Hello Marisol, welcome to HS. I want to acknowledge the support and amazing actions you’ve taken to help your partner. It’s not easy having to tell someone else when someone you love is in danger, and I’m so glad to hear that it went well.
It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see someone you care about have such a huge negative self view and to constantly be putting themselves down. Sometimes it can get disheartening too when you’re trying your best to input love and value in their life.
On the flips side it’s also a very heavy weight to bear when they constantly are showing signs of needing help and they constantly come to you for it. One thing they may not always be aware of is the fatigue to your own mental and emotional health. As much as we love someone, there’s a very good reason why professional support and intimate relationships are boundaries that are kept separate. It blurs the lines from loved one into care giver/therapist.
As you’ve stated, we have to stop and wonder what the like is drawn. At what cost do we keep playing therapist to someone we are meant to be in a relationship with?
Once the lines start to blur from romantic relationship into a more co-dependant relationship it’s really hard to have mutual ground. Being emotionally available is one thing, but having to stand back and take an objective look and be involved in the healing process of someone who is meant to be in a mutually beneficial relationship just becomes unviable.
Either the demand from the dependant partner starts to become so great that the other person begins to withdraw completely and doesn’t feel comfortable themselves being able to unburden their own lives or the person in your situations starts to feel overly responsible for the dependants actions and decisions. They start to feel like it’s their responsibility that this person doesn’t feel good about themselves and it can be a never ending cycle of trying to always confirm and reconfirm their value in life.
As much as that would be great if it worked that way, our roles in others lives cannot be to ensure that we constantly remind them we care and to give of all of our emotional resources.
It’s definitely okay to listen and empathise with our partner, but it has to come with boundaries.
I think it’s okay to keep reinforcing that you love someone, but a professional would be better suited to this particular conversation. You may even be willing to attend their first session for support if it helps, but you are allowed to draw boundaries.
And being aware that sometimes those boundaries get met with hostility.
No it’s not because you don’t care, no it’s not because you want to see them hurt, in fact it’s the opposite. But you also care about yourself and you’re allowed to put yourself first.
The whole point of therapy is to begin rewiring yourself in a way that can’t be done just by venting to your partner. Venting is nice and feels good, but without action to reframe it, then it’s just a constant dumping. Having someone to listen and create a treatment plan to heal trauma is not the same as just venting to someone and that’s important to note. It becomes grating hearing someone cycle through the same problems over and over and over, and it also becomes frustrating for them because they don’t know how to move past it.
At the end of the day it’s something that has to be balanced and benefits both of you.