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Belongs to: Therapist breaths in Sulfur by Slipknot
How would I be able to go to therapy if it makes me feel even lower since I’m such a failure I have to pay someone to act like they care about me…
Hey friend, this is a really important question as well as a valid concern that you share here. There can be so many barriers, fears and worries that get in the way between us and the possibility of asking for help, and it’s fundamental to talk about it as much as we can. I can assure you that these concerns don’t have to condition for you the possibility to be supported as you need.
For what it’s worth, I’ve felt in a very similar way as you before really giving a try to therapy. I’ve struggled with social and performance anxiety in a heavy way for a good chunk of my life, so the very thought of reaching out to a professional and meeting them always activated a tons of fears in me. I was afraid of being a burden, of taking their time while someone else could need it, of not knowing what to say, of not really needing therapy and fooling myself, of appearing ridiculous, that my struggles wouldn’t be important enough, of meeting someone who wouldn’t help me in the end, of “wasting” money, etc.
One of these thoughts was also the rejection of the idea that I would have to pay for someone to offer me some of their time and help. If you feel alone in your life, if you don’t really have anyone to talk to, it almost feel like an insult to think about therapy. You see everyone around having people in their life and you would somehow have to go through the injustice of needing to pay in order to have something similar - which feels unfair. The fact that the relationship with a therapist is based on a contract can make it seem artificial and not authentic. And if you don’t see any value in you or feel completely worthless, it adds to this sense of lack of authenticity… It feels as if you almost have to force someone to spend time with you and actually care for you, which hurts.
Something that helped me personally to overcome these thoughts over time was to remind myself regularly though that a therapist chooses to do this job, and the fact that they show up to a meeting is their decision, not mine. They do it because they want to be present for people, meet them at a highly personal/vulnerable level, and to walk alongside them during a significant part of their life. They are making themselves available, exactly for the people who don’t have anyone in their life, and to people who may be convinced that they are worth nothing. When you pay them and are the client, you are not forcing them to care for you somehow - they chose to be in that place, and they do so willingly (when a therapist doesn’t, it’s quickly noticeable and it’s a sign they need to work in a different field!). There are times when this thought, this somewhat shame of feeling like I was pathetic for being on therapy really hit deeply. But then I quickly realize, by being there and thanks to the trust I could establish with my therapist, that these thoughts/shame didn’t need to be there, and instead I could embrace this process as an opportunity.
I can assure you that there is no shame in facing the need to opt for therapy. It doesn’t say anything about you, your worth, your value or even your relational life. There’s a lot of people who seek therapy while they have people in their life, because what you can get out of the space you share with a therapist is quite unique and can’t necessarily be found in other spaces (work, family, friends, etc). It is an absolutely neutral, non-judgmental place where you can be yourself unapologetically and where you can experiment/explore things that help you learn more about yourself. Overall, needing therapy does not make you a failure - on the contrary, it reflects your strength because therapy implies to be vulnerable and to talk about things that are difficult, which is something that we all use to avoid at first. What’s easier is to not try and to avoid what hurts. It takes courage to (1) acknowledge when we need help, to (2) accept it and to (3) seek support.
My encouragement for you is to not let these fears become reasons for you to not seek help if you feel like therapy could be an interesting thing for you to try. It is difficult and it takes energy, but you are also not alone on that path and you can constantly evaluate how the process of therapy feels with the therapist. You constantly have an ally with you with whom you can talk openly, which makes a big difference. I have personally spent myself more than 10 yrs listening to all the fears I had and finding justifications in them to not reach out - but now that I’m on the other side of it, after a couple of years of therapy I regret not trying it sooner. Even if it ends up not being for you, the very fact that you allow yourself to try, experiment and build your own conclusions brings a lot to the table. It’s always nice to have someone in our life who can help us see through the negative perceptions we have of ourselves.
You matter, friend. When you seek help, you are also the very first person showing up for yourself, validating your needs and validating the fact that you do matter. It’s a beautiful act of self-love in itself, and it never defines your worth. 