Humans aren't meant to live like this

[yellowstar]

(((I’ve been a huge Kitboga fan for the past 2 years and found out about Heart Support through him. I’m thankful a community like this exists, and this is my first time posting here. Much love and thank you if you manage to read the whole thing)))

This morning (a Friday), I laid in bed struggling to find the energy to get up and make it to work. I scrolled for hours on my phone, fighting back tears, wondering when I’d find the ability to pull the covers off and go about my morning routine. What did I have to look forward to for the day? Nothing but work and expectations to produce and perform. Another day of crippling loneliness, feeling like I have no one to talk to, no joy or excitement, no way to fill that metaphorical gas tank. I’m virtually running on an empty gas tank, yet I’m expected to work for 8 hours every day- how in the world am I supposed to pull that off?

I have plans for a game night tomorrow with a few people I’ve met recently, and that’s nice. It will be refreshing to be around other people, maybe I’ll laugh a lot and feel some joy. It doesn’t feel like enough, though. Because I know the next Monday-Friday I’ll be feeling the same exact thing, struggling to get out of bed and struggling to perform at work.

Humans evolved in close, tight knit groups of up to a few dozen people, mostly consisting of family and alliances. They did absolutely everything together, like building shelters and hunting for food, because they had to be together to survive. They shared a common goal and that builds a strong camaraderie between people and that bond forms the basis for a village or tribe.

Now what do we have now, in the modern industrialized world of the 21st century? People living in cubicles isolated from one another the vast majority of the time. 1x1 nuclear families living in boxes along a street or subdivision with no communal space, no avenue for forming relationships with the people who live nearby. They just go to work and come home to their partner or kids (if they’re lucky to have that) and live in a bubble cut off from other humans. I don’t believe people were meant to live this way, and the endemic depression and loneliness experienced by people living in this time is direct evidence for this.

I remember the last time I felt happy and content was in college. Up until 2015 when I graduated, I was living on campus and it was absolutely the happiest time of my life. I was extremely involved in clubs and on campus activities. I had a vibrant social life because all my friends lived nearby. I could almost always go find someone to spend time with in between studies and classes. There was a support system and camaraderie- we were all going through school together, and it was difficult sometimes but we weren’t alone, not most of the time. Something about living on campus and having so much time with friends who I truly felt cared about me + were happy to have me around, that really lifted my spirits.

That ended in 2015 and I’ve felt lonely and cripplingly depressed ever since. I’ve lost touch with most of my college friends after we went our separate ways because none of them lived near me, and texting/messaging to keep in touch was impossible for me due to how rapidly I became severely depressed. It was difficult to carry on a conversation when all I could think about was how miserable I was. No one wants a friend like that.

I’m introverted and I need alone time. Too much social stimulation and I get cranky and irritable. But too much alone time is bad for me too. Chronic loneliness and isolation has been well studied and we know that it leads to serious health problems and a shortened live span. Obviously, I’ve felt this way long before the pandemic. So you can imagine how much worse this year has been for me and my mental state.

Now we’re in a world where people are blamed, shamed, and ridiculed for feeling like this loneliness is unbearable- by the very same people who used to claim they cared about mental health. At 27 years old, I’m much more terrified of what this isolation is doing to my brain and to the collective psychological state of people across the world, than I am of covid. I just can’t isolate myself from other people or my own mental wellbeing suffers. And my heart breaks for the other lonely people out there like me who worry that they’re terrible people for spending time with a friend. People just aren’t meant to live like this.

I don’t know what the solution is. I can try and meet new people and have in-person connections as much as possible and hope that can slowly start to fill the gas tank again. But how much will that small amount help, and how long will the culture at large continue to run in this self-destructive way? How long will we continue to normalize isolation and loneliness in spite of the loss to our collective spirit for life and the loss of what it means to be human? Maybe I need to quit my job and move to a commune in the middle of the country so I can live a life closer to what my ancestors had evolved to do. I don’t know. But if you’ve made it this far into my ramblings, thank you for reading. I see you, and your feelings matter too. I welcome any and all of your thoughts.

-From one human to another

[Micro]

Hey @yellowstar,

Welcome here! It’s always awesome to see someone from Kitboga’s community. Thanks a lot for being here and for sharing all of this. I hope writing down your thoughts can be the beginning of a healing process, and just a way to help you muster the energy you need to take some steps further.

What did I have to look forward to for the day? Nothing but work and expectations to produce and perform. Another day of crippling loneliness, feeling like I have no one to talk to, no joy or excitement, no way to fill that metaphorical gas tank. I’m virtually running on an empty gas tank, yet I’m expected to work for 8 hours every day- how in the world am I supposed to pull that off?

It’s really hard when it feels like you’ve lost your spark, when nothing seems to be interesting or filling you with joy. It’s like you are stuck in the same place, everyday, and no way to get out of it. Yet life keeps going on, responsibilities and bills keep piling up, and it would make things so much worse to ignore what needs to be done. But it doesn’t erase this question that haunts you: all of this for what?

I remember, when I was a teenager, that I was extremely scared of the possibility to be stuck one day in a cycle of working for living, then living for working. It doesn’t take a lot to feel stuck in a routine that just doesn’t make any sense. Add on the top of this a giant pandemic that makes it difficult to connect with others, and you have quite a perfect recipe to feel overwhelmed, if not in a burn out.

How you feel makes sense, friend. As human beings, we need to feel whole and alive, to be with others, do to things that are meaningful to us.

You are not stuck though. For what it’s worth, I believe this could be a time for introspection, for listening to your intuition and finding what needs to be implemented in your life. How you get there is only the second step. The first one is to allow your imagination to be, to let your heart share its voice. If you had a magic wand right now, what would you change in your life? What would you make different? And I’m not talking about the past or possible regrets, but your present and who you are now. This reflection you’ve initiated through your post holds a lot of potential for you, and could be an invitation to try to do things differently.

2020 has been a hell of a year and has increased so much of our vulnerability. Our cracks are more visible, our wounds are open, but we can still find our way and make our own, humble, revolution. The world won’t change in a day, and not enough during a lifetime, but we can do our best to build resilience through all of this, to seek connection in different ways, to share some love, as simple as it sounds. Because you’re right, we need connection. We need to be with others. And isolation can be such a nightmare when it weighs on you everyday.

I hear your fears and I hear your feeling of being alone. And I want you to know that someone cares out there. Isolation and loneliness don’t have to be normalized. You are standing against that today, by reaching out and sharing your voice. You’re breaking those walls that just don’t need to be. Thank you for blessing us with your presence.

[gnuone]

Hi Yellowstar and welcome,
How to find the energy to get up and go through another day? It’s a question I have asked myself, a lot, and I’m sure you know that the answer lies inside of you.
You’ve observed that people are social beings. Not everyone to the same degree, but for mental health, connection with others is critical.
Also, that when you were in college, your social life was much fuller, and your friends were supportive, and you felt you ‘belonged’ or were connected.
You know that as in introvert, you need your alone time, and I’d bet that when in this place of ‘needing’ the time to yourself, you use it as a way to kind of ‘recharge’ yourself and/ or decompress from the experiences of day or week.
I’m not sure, that as a society, we are “blamed, shamed, and ridiculed” for feeling unbearably lonely, however I do know that people take on a ‘personal’ shame about being lonely, because on some level, they feel they are not cared for by others, not loved, not wanted. Anyone will feel shame by such thoughts, and it’s true there may be some horrid person or people who would mock these feelings, but I wouldn’t place a great deal of value on the friendship of such people.
The solution is both extremely simple, and extremely difficult, in order to connect with people you must make connections. One can join, as you’ve done in the past, clubs, and organizations, or volunteer, join sports clubs, coach, teach children to read, do math, any of a million ways to reach out and connect with others.
This may not be the connection you’re seeking, but it can be a place to start, especially when you’re coming from a vulnerable place, because helping others can be personally rewarding. I know this struggle well, as I have a great deal of difficulty building relationships, and can only advise to keep looking forward, not backward. You’ve enjoyed a wonderful college experience, but be wary of using it as your yardstick on future connections and experiences with people. Appreciate it, love it, and think of it fondly, use the experience to better your future, but it’s the past, and your future is not your past. Thanks again for sharing. Peace

[hufflepuffbruhv]

Yellowstar,
I can tell you that after my own graduation (back in 2004) I also, have felt this great sense of depression. All of the friends I’ve made in college live very distantly. The hardest thing to do was to emotionally say goodbye to them. Why? Because for those four short years they were my family. And now my family is separated by time and distance (it has been 17 years!).

So many have gotten married, divorced, remarried, birthed children, and moved as far as England. It is hard to stay in touch with them even through social media. But I have learned that sometimes we have to let go. Partly because they came into our lives at a point when we were at our most vulnerable and, at a point when we are discovering new parts of ourselves.

Emotionally saying goodbye to them also meant saying goodbye to a part of our lives that was the most comforting, the most authentic moment of our lives. “When I was a child, I spoke as a child…When I became an adult, I put away childish things”. Yes, it is hard to give those things up, and to accept things will never be the same. Sometimes we have to in order to move on.

I still miss those times. And yes, the depression still lingers on days when I feel just as vulnerable as I did back then. But take comfort in the fact that there will be better days ahead. If you just look within yourself and reach out when you’re ready.