I accidentally replied instead of commenting early

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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to KUJO BEAT DOWN by Ren
I accidentally replied instead of commenting early this morning regarding a struggle I’m going through. I don’t see it to edit it and move it to the comments (assuming it was deleted since it was in the wrong spot) so hopefully I can capture it again here. The basic gist of it is that I have spent my whole life with art being something special to me. Mostly creating at first, but gaining appreciation for all forms of art as I grew up, as well. I went from just drawing as a little kid to taking art seriously and going to college on a scholarship for art. I was lucky enough to find jobs out of college that had art elements to them (graphic design, filming, etc). But not in my early fifties, I am realizing how much I’ve worked on creative projects for other people - always pushing my projects to the back burner. I’m turning around to see the last decade or more has been all work and, in that work, the approval process from others has taken over. I not only create for others, but I need to get a thumbs up or green light from them to feel like it was a success. Working hard on projects has left me with little energy and/or motivation at the end of the day. I might wake up inspired, but then my night ends with scrolling Instagram or watching Netflix/YouTube until I’m tired enough to fall asleep and I am now hyper aware when I wake up in the morning that yesterday was unproductive in terms of the art I want to make for myself. Yes, I might share it with others, but every decision would be made on my terms. What I’m getting at is that this cycle is leaving me spent and very depressed. I feel like I’m trying to run underwater every single day and then I hate myself when I’m too tired to do my own thing. So, yeah…Just felt like putting this out there for once.

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Hey Tony, thanks so much for reaching out and for sharing your struggle here. Man this is so real. I feel the pain in what you are saying so deeply. This thing I love “art” that brings me so much happiness, passion and joy is also the thing that makes me feel terrible about myself, because I can’t bring myself to create FOR myself AND I feel like I always need the approval of others. I want to get back to the place where I am able to just enjoy art and create art purely without so much negativity as being a part of the process. And this feeling of “I am so stuck” I want to create for myself but at the end of the day I’m exhausted and I just end up scrolling and then I beat myself up which makes me more exhausted. It’s amazing the awareness you have around this pattern, awareness is always the first step out of a negative cycle, so you’re actually further on your way then you think. THEN you’re reaching out for help which is another step in the process of breaking your negative cycle. I think for me when I think about creating I often discount all of the small steps. I don’t have to write a FULL poem. I can just sit down and type a few of my thoughts in my notes app. Remember to give yourself credit for all of the times you DO make a choice to create. Sending you love. :slight_smile:

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@@HeartSupport Thank you for the reply, the love, and the perspective. It’s my first time EVER sharing publicly about something like this. I like the idea of giving myself credit even for small choices to create. I think I long for that big block of hours or days to dig into a project that anything less doesn’t often count, mentally, as a victory. I’ll work on that.