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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Alice in Chains Nutshell
I am a addict and I hate more than anything on this planet and I have been trying to get clean and I do for a bit but it’s hard to keep fighting
I feel this. Your comments brings up this image I think about sometimes, this feel of being pulled into the depths of the ocean. It feels like this war that I’m always fighting, like as soon as I stop treading water I sink, and this feeling that my life is going to take so much effort to just feel like I can float and breathe. I think I understand what you mean, this feeling of constant overwhelm and fear that If I slip at all, I am going to slip back into the depths.
It’s interesting too, because I don’t struggle with substance addiction anymore, but as I have decided to try and take control of my mental health the past year, to try and bring myself to a place of inner peace, I feel like I have faced alot of the same feelings I described above. It’s been this wavey journey of getting to a place of empowerment, of confidence and peace, but then as my landscape is ruffled, as the realities of relationships, past loves that have left, loneliness, insecurity, self doubt, that whole inner landscape shakes my internal world to the core. I feel these hands reaching from the depths pulling, and so many times Ive sunk, and I’ve lost hope in my ability to swim back to the surface.
So I feel you, the exhaustion, the self doubt in our ability to keep fighting is real. I think theres two things here I want to leave you with that continue to help me in these times. The first thing is this idea of fighting. That image I had in my head of kicking away these hands from the depths trying to pull me down, there is a story there that I always have to fight them, but what are those hands, what are the depths? For me those hands are my fears, my anxiety, my insecurity. For a long time I just kicked them away, I tried to fight them, I ignored them as well. I did everything except to be with them, to lean into them and listen to them. When I started to give myself the space to feel the pains, to be with the hardest thoughts and feeling something changed. Those hands began to loosen their grips, and they almost became little bits of wisdom that helped to guide me along my path. It seems to be when I fight against the deep pains I have that I suffer the most. The second thing that comes to mind here is an idea of us having way more power than we ever imagined we had. Instead of just seeing myself as the body in the water, I wondered what it would be like if I was the water. What if I was this well, this never ending flow of light, and every time I make a choice to take care of myself, to choose to make a choice that is hard right now, I am choosing to love myself in the future. Instead of picking up my phone to check if my ex texted me, I listen to that loneliness, that pain within me, and I sit with it, I choose to do something good for myself, I go and pick up my guitar. Every little choice I make like that, lifts me further and further up, and over time I will find myself no longer in the depths of the ocean, but on the top of a mountain.
Thanks so much for sharing and for listening to my ramble if you made it this far 
I kind of went into a wild world here, thanks for giving me the opportunity to share this with you and I hope my reflections can help you in some little way 