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i am a firefighter EMT with PTSD and survivors guilt i never served over seas i had friends that did but i lost my partner on a ambulance in a gang war he didnt make it but yet i did why did i live and he didnt it haunts me daily and i will never ever let people say PTSD is cureable with therapy and survivors guilt is feeling sorry for yourself when they never went through it
I hear this. Survivor’s guilt is so complicated. It can really destroy your ability to move through life in the way you want to. I’m sorry your partner lost their life. That by itself would be so devastating and could really send anyone into a spiral. But then to consider the questions of fate. Why them? Why not you instead? I know you know that wasn’t the choice. There wasn’t a choice and if there had been you seem to be the type of person with a sense of duty that would have caused you to put yourself in their place or in front of them if you’d been given that chance. I’m sure it feels like “not being there” is what defines you. I understand that feeling. It can be nearly impossible to get past that. I will say that knowing that you have such strong convictions about your service (I hear you qualifying your service as lesser than that of active duty military, and I want to say that while I fully respect and am grateful for what they do, I also see what you are doing as unbelievably selfless and so important) you have the potential to help so many people in your chosen career. I feel better knowing someone who is so dedicated and really feels strongly about their job is in your position. I’d rather have you showing up if I am in trouble than someone who didn’t care as much as you do. I want to thank you for your service. I agree that PTSD isn’t something that ever truly goes away, but I do think it can get better and I think you are already doing something that will help you with that by facing it here. I’m really glad you reached out. You are not alone.