Thank you for your reply, @rocephin, I really appreciate it.
I feel like a freak because normal people don’t obsess about their gender all the time and can function without worrying about dysphoria or their body.
Unfortunately (but also thankfully, otherwise it would be pretty boring!), “normal people” don’t exist. Questioning your gender doesn’t make you a freak, really. So many people are or were in the same situation as yours, and felt as lost as you do. Just on this forum, many people open up about their gender identity and how they feel about it. Just between being rather a man or a woman, there are an incredibly large variety of situations and experiences. I, for example, have only recently come to terms with the fact that I recognize myself in the definition of “demigirlflux”. I am in a woman’s body, but I don’t always feel like a woman. It depends on the moment, the situation, and the intensity varies in time. Overall I alternate between agender, man and woman. It’s different from you in many aspects - for me it’s not a fixed gender -, but it’s just my way to say that there isn’t good or bad way to identify yourself. There’s only your inner experience, also your physical experience, and they are valid because they exist.
You didn’t choose to feel that way, you didn’t choose to wish to be a woman and not being trapped in a man’s body. And blaming yourself for something that is not in your control is not fair for you, friend. Just like when you say:
I feel like a freak because I will be like a man who’s delusionally thinking their a woman just because it feels better.
It makes sense to feel that way. There’s a flavour of self-doubt there. If you start to question how you feel and labelize it as not being normal, then you can push those feelings away and blame yourself for it.
I understand that it’s certainly very, very frustrating to feel divided while not having the choice of the body you have right now. There’s this huge gap between how you feel deep inside and you’re perceived on the outside. So fighting against how you feel can be sen as part of the solution. But I personally believe that there is another way possible, one that would be filled with more love, grace and compassion for yourself. You are not wrong for feeling how you feel. But it’s important to acknowledge that it’s not easy either. It brings a whole lot of questions, fears and doubts, a lot of vulnerability as well. Again, like you said:
I feel like a freak because this will ruin my life and relationship with my parents.
Heck I’d have the same fear too. Just because many people don’t understand that kind of experience and tend to judge very quickly. That is, unfortunately, how much our society sucks sometimes. Instead of being curious and talking, we choose the easiest option that is judging. But that’s about relationships with others. And when you describe yourself as a freak, it’s about the relationship you have with yourself. You don’t have to internalize others judgment, friend. You don’t have to make their opinion yours, especially if it creates this inner war within you. Your heart is a sacred place that deserves to be a place of peace, first and foremost.
The fear you expressed regarding your parents is a valid fear. It doesn’t mean it would happen the way you describe, but I hear you and I understand how much this perspective can be crippling. I don’t know them and I don’t know how is your relationship with them, but what I do know is that no matter how people treat you, judge you, perceive you… you are worthy of love. Whether you feel like a man or a woman, you are worthy of love. But this belief has to be developped within you, first and foremost, by learning to drop your weapons, to listen to yourself, to welcome your own vulnerability and to learn to be at peace with how you feel. It’s a tough journey though… and a scary one, especially when we’re convinced that what’s inside of us is ugly. But I can assure you, it’s not. Once we replace judgment by curiosity, including in the way we perceive yourself, we allow ourselves to learn to know ourselves better. You are worthy of that. You are worth of the efforts it would take for you to learn to see you differently, to figure out how you feel regarding your gender and how to compose with it.
You’re not a freak, you’re not a monster. You’re beautiful as you are. Dysphoria is a real struggle, but that struggle doesn’t define your worth and will never condition your future. It probably feels like your world is collapsing and everything is ruined already, but I promise it’s not. I’d like to encourage you, in times to come, to look after LGBTQ+ communities where you could hear about people’s experiences and how they learn to live with their own gender identity on a daily basis. There are many inspiring and successful stories to hear, to share, and I believe yours is one that is made to be, if you’re open to it. Growth and piece are for you, friend, even if it comes along with surrounding yourself by the right people and receiving the support you need. You are deserving of good people, good support and good things.