It must be incredibly difficult and painful to process the loss of your twin. You were supposed to exist and share life together, to grow and walk through this crazy thing called alonsgide each other. It feels absolutely unfair when you are left alone and when you’re the one who has to keep going no matter what. There is this call for life on one hand and you want to honor that, but on the other hand there’s also the pain of the injustice that you have both been through, and that somehow you have to carry on with you. There is this forever longing that feels excruciating. I’m so very sorry that you have to deal with such heay loss, and that you have been forced somehow to find your way without your twin.
I have not lost a twin myself, but my big brother a couple of years ago to a genetic disease we didn’t know was present in our family. My sister and I learned afterwards through testing that we have not inherited the problematic gene, but he did. We had the chance to share about 24 years of life together and I will forever cherish the memories we have. Still your description there and your story hit me as I found parts of me in what you describe.
When it comes to siblings it feels impossible to wrap your head around the idea that you may not walk on the same path at some point. That one’s journey may be much shorter than the other. It feels unnatural and just not how things are supposed to be. So you are left somehow with the gift of life but it feels overwhelming to even start asking yourself what you could even do with it. It’s hard to deal with the sense of injustice that comes with it - why him, and why not me? Why do I even have the possibility to keep on living? How am I supposed to embrace life without feeling like I’d be betraying or abandoning him? This awful sense of guilt it leaves you with is so hard to compose with, and it can attain such deep aspects of your entire being. For all of this, my heart goes out to you so very much.
This is a very special type of pain and grief that you’ve been carrying, and I guess I just wanted to reach out to you and say that I hear you, and to some extent/through my own experience, I get how it feels to be confronted to the unfairness of life, and how it seems that all of our certainties can be shattered to pieces - that it must only be utter chaos. You’re left with a deep need for meaning and purpose, for knowing WHY something like this could happen, and how can one make sense out of it, how can one compose with the gift of life when it feels unchosen, and much more like a terrible, poisoned gift.
Somehow the answers may be found in keeping on honoring the memory of those who can’t share their voice into this world. I believe there are special bonds that not even death could erase or silence. It’s a type of love and affect that has no frontier for it is too strong, too real, too present. It keeps on living through you. And you keep on letting this world know about your twin when the world couldn’t have the chance to meet him directly. That alone, my friend, is such a powerful legacy, and I am so thankful that you’ve shared about it here. You allow us to know you, to know him, and to know about the beauty of the love that exists between you - beyond any matter of time and physical distance.
He is and will forever be with you, even during times when life seems absolutely unbearable and pushes you down on your knees. He is with you when you smile as well as when you make it through the hardest days. For there is a special love that unites you, and can never be shaken by whatever obstacle life forces you to walk through. Love prevails.
Thank you for being here today and for sharing these parts of your heart. I hope for you to continue on your journey and to grow, heal, find peace in the pride of being an amazing human being, and a beautiful sibling to your twin.
-Micro
