Hello, I hope I am doing this right. This is my first post, but I need support badly.
I do not like admitting this - I am addicted to ghosting people I meet online. I am the terrible person who leaves you hanging even though you thought you had a real spark going. I do everything, deleting my accounts, deleting the app and never coming back, simply deleting their emails, marking them as spam. I know that this is a horrible thing to do, please do not tell me that the other person feels so much worse than I do. I know this. But I cannot stop.
The thing is that I am so close to doing this again. I have met a guy online and we have been chatting on an app. But now, I feel like this is getting too serious. He has been asking questions I do not want to answer, questions that come with a lot of baggage for me. He has asked me to voice chat later this weekend, as well. And now I am afraid of both possibilities when I answer the hard questions:
- He laughs at me, is repulsed or simply finds me ridiculous.
- He does not mind and our relationship grows closer.
Like I said, both outcomes terrify me, because I am scared of being ridiculed for having personal issues, but I am also scared of commitment. This is probably the core issue for me - commitment issues. Anyway, I feel my fingers itching to delete the app. I am in full fight or flight mode. My hands are sweaty. (Knees weak etc.)
I think I really like this guy though. How can I keep myself from burning yet another bridge? I know what you’re thinking, “Why is she going on dating apps if she’s a serial ghoster,” the thing is that every time I think that it will be different. I want it to be different this time, but I am so afraid. Please keep me from doing this again.
You are definitely not the only person who feels this way when getting to know new people. It’s always a bit of a risk in meeting new people and getting to know them. Do you feel comfortable saying why you are afraid of commitment? Or are you perhaps more afraid of abandonment? It’s not easy being real with people but the rewards can sometimes be worth it. Please let us know more about what you are feeling and why you are avoiding getting more involved with other people. You are loved and accepted here.
Thank you for replying, first of all. I appreciate it very much.
Your reply made me think about why I do the things I do. I guess my problem is that I think that I am unlovable and better off alone. You are right, I am more afraid of abandonment than commitment, or rather, that my potential partner sees me for what I am, which is a failure. I do not have a lot of relationship experience, which is already scary to admit in today’s dating culture, where experience is key. Intellectually, I know that a lot of factors contribute to this, like not having many opportunities, having been confused about my orientation for a long time (I am female and probably bisexual) and just being shy and a general late bloomer. But the self-loathing animal that lives inside of me tells me that I am single because I am inherently faulty. And if other people find love and I don’t, this must be because there is something catastrophically wrong with me.
So when I cut people off, it’s also a way of punishing myself preemptively. Because when I do it, it hurts less than if the other person were to do it, if you know what I mean. Also, the short period in which the tension of “What if he hates me, I cannot take this anymore” is gone after I’ve blocked all communication… well, it’s wonderful. The anxiety just disappears and that feels good on an instinctual level. Later, the regret sets in, of course, because I never persevere, I only run away. And so the circle closes, I wallow in my loneliness but in fact, I do this to myself.
Megs_26 responded to your post live on stream today with some wonderful words of support!
Here is a link to her video that you can watch anytime you need to.
Hi Friend, I have a fear of abandonment as well (I have borderline personality disorder, but you can have this trait and not have BPD) and I do exactly what you’ve done. I cut people out when I sense the slightest proof (even perceived and not real) that someone will abandon or reject me. I delete everything associated with the person, even leaving whole communities where I have friends. Seeing their name triggers me and it hurts because I long so much to have friends, but I end up pushing them away.
People love us for who we are and will accept us because they care about us. It’s really hard but, try to think about the facts that make your emotions/thoughts valid and then think about facts that make your emotions/thoughs invalid. Check your emotions and thoughts after… are they the same? It sounds like he just wants to get to know you better and that is good because it shows he are interested in you a lot. Part of having a relationship is letting someone in and trusting that this person will show you what a good person he is. It’s worth a try right?
You matter! ~Mystrose
From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)
Hi Citronella. First of all no you are not inherintly faulty. You might have problems like a big fear abandonment and commitment but honestly who doesnt have problems. You dont deserve to feel so bad and the people that care about you dont deserve to be hurt. You have done a big step though. You have admitted that there is a problem and you seeked advice. Good job . I think you might be have traits of BPD but you might look into it a little more and see if the symptoms are familiar to you. Seeking a proffesional help from a therapist might be a good thing too. Maybe when your stress and tension is really high and you really feel like you cant handle this, try to go running or punch something or do anything that will keep your mind off that. Release that energy. You deserve to be happy. There is no reason why you shouldnt be. Try to commnucate with the person you are writing with so they know not to be too pushy. Keep your boundaries so you feel more comfortable. That might help. I really hope this will work out for you. Hang in there. You can do this
@Citronella Thank you for answering my questions, it helps me understand what you are feeling and experiencing. I’m sorry that you feel that you have self-loathing inside. It sounds like this drives your need to ghost before they ghost you. May I say that you are worth more than you know and you are worth love and being a relationship. Will you have a perfect relationship? Nope. We all make mistakes in relationships but without the risk of hurt, you also miss out on the possibility of love. Perhaps, if you can recognize the fear of rejection before you back away and can find a way to stay engaged a bit longer you can grow to learn how to navigate a relationship longer term. You are very deserving of having a relationship and love - regardless of who it is with.
Though I can’t say I have experience going through what you are going through right now, I can relate to some of what you’re saying. What I can say, is that I see you, and I hear you, friend. The human struggles we go through, like self doubt, or wanting to protect yourself from what could happen, is something I’ve experienced. It is hard, and I feel you when you say you want to be safe before you’re hurt. But then, you think of the “What if I actually tried?”. At any rate… though I may not have wise words to offer on how to handle this, I think I know what you’re going through. And I’ll offer all the support I can to you as you go through this. All the best, friend.
Hey Friend, It seems like you have so much on your mind and you have reasons why you do what you do, that fear of being pushed away can be all consuming so I can understand that you want to jump before you are pushed, it is also hard to know that you may have to fully open up to someone at some point and risk them knowing the real you, but the interesting thing is that I think most people have that underlying fear of what if no one really likes me and when they do and they love you for all of your good and bad points then you know its real and you will only ever find that out if you trust it. Give it a try. You are a wonderful person and we are here for you whenever you need us, Much Love Lisa. x
Thank you so much, everyone. I am touched that you would take the time to support me. Every answer means a lot.
I am now looking into BPD symptoms and a lot of them feel familiar. This will be something to consider. I am still anxious and afraid, but the acute anguish is getting weaker and I know that I have done a first step in the right direction. Thank you all, I am glad I posted here.
Edit: I took your advice to heart and wrote the person in question that I will need some time for now. That took a bit of courage, but I am glad I did it! I am not sure how he will respond but it is out of my hands now, and I feel like I did the best I can in this situation. I know I would have regretted it forever if I just cut all communication again. But - I couldn’t have done it without you. <3
Thats awesome, I am really proud of you. we are all here for you whenever you need us. This is one amazing community of people. I am glad you posted here too.
I am so proud of you for reaching out to find support & encouragement. I know how this can be & it can weigh heavy on your shoulders. It’s the whole thing of beating them to the punch of rejecting the other person, so they don’t hurt you. There’s a strange sort of comfort in doing that. But, instead of thinking what can go wrong…what about thinking about what can go right?
You mentioned that you like this guy, even though it scares you. Take the step of doing something different. Maybe see if you could chat with him in a setting with more people. If you can do it IRL, go get coffee with some of your friends & some of his friends. If it happens over a voice chat, invite some people for a group chat & then when you feel comfortable & you are ready for it…chat one on one. Give yourself grace. Be kind to yourself. You can do this.
You are important. You are valid. You are strong. You are enough. You matter.
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