I thought I was past this. This want…this…this urge to want to see death. But I’m not. I’ve rewritten my plan to actually go through with it, but in a way that isn’t very obvious. I’ve written a draft of my note that I would leave for people. I’ve written the overarching things down, but I don’t want to go through with it. I’ve been really struggling, but I haven’t been talking to anyone. I don’t want to overwhelm them, or worry them, or burden them, or anything of the sort. I’ve almost relapsed in SH many times. I don’t want to, but I feel like I don’t have a choice. My brain is being so loud and I can hardly ignore it anymore. It was easy a while ago, but it’s gotten so much harder. I can’t handle the things that my brain is throwing at me. Hell, I can’t even process it all it gets to that amount. I don’t want to isolate, but I feel like this is something that doesn’t need to be said. I feel like I don’t need to be heard. I want to be heard. I want to be understood. Trust me I do. But my brain is telling me that I will never be those things. It’s telling me that I’m not wanted. That I’m not valid and that all my loved ones would be better off if I succeeded with my plan. I don’t even want to attempt it, but that voice…It’s getting louder as the days go on and I don’t know that I have the mental energy to deal with it. I think I’m getting close to rock bottom. I’m scared to get there.
Hey Sarah,
I can’t imagine the amount of pain you are in right now, but I can say that I am so happy you have made it this far. I believe that you have the fight within you to keep pushing forward. I know that life is overwhelming at times, but your life is so valuable.
I want to emphasize that I see you. I hear you. You are not going unnoticed and I have seen the way you’ve encouraged people before. The world is a better place with you in it. Please keep fighting. You said that it was easier before, well, I believe it will be easy again. You just have to hang in there. This pain won’t last forever, and you are loved more than you know.
I believe you are strong and can make it through this season.
Do you want to talk about what specifically might be bringing these feelings up?
I’m here to listen.
From one Sarah to another,
Please keep going
Hey @FaeTheProud,
I see you. And I’m so proud of you for sharing about this battle in your mind. I know this little voice too. This terrible inner division between a self-hatred voice and one that knows the truth. Lately, it’s been louder since holidays and Christmas are approaching. It’s a heavy season when we’re already carrying some kind of vulnerability. It’s hard to act against this voice, whether it’s by reaching out, by taking care of yourself, by receiving the support you need and deserve. It hurts to have this voice that’s constantly lashing out and is only trying to put you down. It’s hard that people don’t see it, it’s hard that we have to make the effort to step out of this voice that seem so attractive. I understand how much it costs to make the effort to reach out when you’re leading this inner battle, friend.
You know where the truth is. You know this voice is made of lies, of hatred, or wrong purposes. You’ve been taking care of yourself, you’ve been in a position of knowing and experiencing how it feels to do so. This other part of you who’s calling you for love, care and compassion might be very little right now, but you know it’s as real as the other one, my friend. When you can’t hear this loving voice, you can still hold on to the memory that you have of it. And you have so many friends in this community to be that voice for you when you need it.
You are loved. You have worth. You are so brave, more than you can probably imagine right now. You don’t belong to this darkness, Sarah. And I am so, so proud of you for being here and breaking this voice down, even if it’s just a bit of it. It’s a first step.
You’re not moving backwards. You’re doing what’s needed to not let you drown by it. We’re in this with you, holding your hands, standing by your side. Together we’re stronger. Please keep reaching out. Don’t stay alone with this voice. It doesn’t deserve the place it’s taking in your mind and your heart. It doesn’t deserve the energy it’s taking away from you. And there is so much love available for you here to help you to move forward.
I’m sending love your way. Stay safe friend. 
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