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I am dealing of a loss of a mother who committed suicide in December of 2015 at that time I was about 16 I didn’t really understand what was going on and why she was depressed and she wasn’t open on why she was depressed either. All she said that she had felt that Jesus had left the family. My last goodbye to her I said “I love you” before I took off to the school bus and she couldn’t say it back because she knew what she had planned that day. After I had left for school I get called home and got bad news that she had taken her life right after I left the house. To this day I never really found out why she did because she never left a single note for me…
Sometimes a depressed person can be surrounded by love. They may be unable to understand where the feeling of depression is coming from. It’s often accompanied by pain, confusion and despair, making it impossible to see beyond their own pain or communicate what they are feeling to others.
That you were willing to volunteer that you loved her suggests that she nurtured a loving spirit within you and that she really did love you. I think on that last day, her mind was locked into turmoil, which prevented her from being able to express her love towards you.
Sometimes when people feel depressed, they look at their circumstances and try to decide why they feel that way. Invariably, a person can look around and find any number of reasons for being depressed. It rarely occurs to them that those same conditions existed before they became depressed, therefore there must be a reason beyond those pre-existing circumstances.
There are several brain and body chemistry changes that can trigger depression. In 2007, I experienced simultaneously extreme depression, brain fog and anxiety. It turned out to be a shift in brain chemistry due to a health issue.
In short, what I am saying is that your mom probably wasn’t in a state of mind that would enable her to leave you a note and she herself wasn’t likely to have known why she decided to end her life other than what she was going through was overwhelming.
She would want you to remember her as she was before she started to suffer.
I’m sorry you have had to suffer such a painful and confusing loss.
Oh friend, I’m so sorry that you were left without any answers. It is so hard to think about all the what ifs question, but especially one that seems to stick over time: why? Why did it happen? It is completely understandable that such question would follow you and haunt you over the years. Somehow, we need to find meaning and understanding why such a brutal, traumatic event happens, otherwise it feels too difficult to even find a little sense of closure. But there are also circumstances that can leave us without any specific answer, which is hard to compose with.
Oftentimes, when we are in such great pain, we are stuck in some kind of tunnel vision that prevent us to see beyond the pain. The hurt we feel becomes everything. It makes it hard to reach out, to say “I’m not okay” and to actually ask for help. Which doesn’t change or question the love and care that are available at the time. There are just invisible barriers at play that make connection very, very difficult. And there’s also for many people the need to protect the people they love - which they feel needs to be done through silence, otherwise they would be a burden.
When my mom attempted to her life, my siblings and I were left without answers afterwards as well. In this situation you start to imagine how much you could have been at fault, that maybe there were things we said and did that could have caused it, or be the last drop on top of the pain that was already present. Before he passed away, my brother asked me about this event again, and if it was his fault. It was heartbreaking to see that more than a decade later, he was still living with this narrative that our mom had hurt herself because of him – which was not true.
I hope that, through all of it, you can keep in mind that no matter what the reasons were for your mom to go away, it would never cancel the love you shared together, and that none of what happened was ever your fault/responsibility. I know it’s hard to walk through this process of somehow forgiving ourselves when we are left without any clear answer. It feels like we take the risk of betraying the person we lost, but ultimately we also deserve to living a life filled with truth, and not guilt. There is no doubt that you loved - and still love - your mom very much, and she knew it in her heart. There is something very real, present and essential there that will never be taken away, my friend.
