As I’m writing this I can’t help but feel disgust and self hatred. I’m incredibly embarrassed to write all of this because I do not want to be labelled, shunned or judged. I just feel lost and that it’s time to share this.
I’ve had a super intense rough patch in my life recently, being dumped by my ex and a friendship break-up with another of my ex’s who was also my best friend. Over the last 8-10 months or so I’ve had a lot of relationships, maybe 4 or 5, some proper bf and gf, some FWB and others just dating and almost being a thing. I’m not sure whether I’m addicted to the attention, sex or relationships. Especially as I am very open minded which often results in topics circulating around sex. Due to this, online dating/sexting and sending pictures has happened and in some cases ended badly including a person refusing to delete the pictures. I feel like crap without someone sexually attracted to me.
I’ve been freaking out a bit today, because, I started casually talking to someone from another discord, and for some reason we had a really long chat ranging from what we do in life, our pets and our age and then being as open as I am, we got onto the topic of sexual interests.
I like discussing and talking about sex without the intention of “getting” with them. It’s similar to how most people like to discuss their favourite hobby. However, I know subconsciously that I would like this person to want me and give me attention. I find myself thinking about the person in question all day after we chat. I wish to be single, or with someone in my country. So it isn’t as if I’m interested, they just sit on my mind. I hate how I let the attention get to me and it’s all I’ve been thinking about. I spent 3 hours non stop chatting with him craving the attention. I seem to always get involved with guys online that treat me badly and it has me worried this will be the same.
The fear of the addiction caused me instant anxiety resulting in me saying I was going for a nap, purely to end the conversation. I felt the need to be accomodating to him, meeting his needs and wants instead of my own. Which I’m still confused over myself. I think I need time to be alone, spending time as “me” not “we” and find myself again, because right now, I’m scared of my sexuality, and believe it defines me. I don’t recognise myself. It feels like I am trash, that no one will want me if I’m not a good lover or not good enough for people, including those online.
Enjoying this whole interaction has me thinking that I’m unfaithful even though I am very much single. I know I still have a lot of feelings for both my ex’s and I know I need to allow these feelings to calm down, but it just seems as though I keep putting myself in this situation. When I don’t have this attention I go searching for it. A guy I sort of online dated (let’s call him D, the one that refused to delete the pictures) messaged me saying he misses me. Although I know he isn’t good for me, I felt alone and so desperate for his approval and attraction to make me feel okay and worthy.
If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated, but I’m mostly just writing this to vent and get my feelings out. Thank you for reading this.