It may seem that i’m okay , but truly i’m not . i will be okay then i will be low. Some times i know i can make it one more night. I know i can have my good days, but to be honest, from what i could recall lately i maybe have had 6 days in total of my good days, then it started back at zero and i don’t know what it is at now cause i stopped counting. I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression , i haven’t relapsed at all. i am , 1 year and 2 months and 6 days clean now . But, well last night was one of those nights, having a good day then i started to cry because of a flash back. Just pardon me i feel like some things are gonna be missing if i don’t fully type this out. This leads to many things such as what happened and what is being said.
Awhile back i believe i had 2 awful weeks . I’ve struggled with feeling unloved, feeling like if i failed i will be okay that i deserved to fail that i had no reason to love or feel loved. it all came from lies and judgement. It seems stupid what it is over but to me it bothered me because i know what i was/am doing . When it comes to music it reminded me of this low and that’s why i cried a little last night. Am i truly unlovable, am i just disposable, or am i not able to be loved because i don’t do it right? if i die will everything be okay? Also, now my sister knows that i see a therapist , but is that any of her business,i don’t need her to know what i do at a certain time just because shes younger then me she doesn’t need to know this. I don’t know if i’m being selfish but i don’t want her to know when i have my therapist appointment i’m tired of her knowing when i do have them . when ever its a scheduled appointment she knows and she tells me because she is told, but yet am i supposed to be told from A PARENT not a sibling ? this is tiring and i’m sorry if this is taken a wrong turn.
So well , last night i stressed about going to my doctors appointment cause this girl is 19 and needed to get a primary doctor. I know its not bad to have a primary doctor but i stressed out. when i was waiting i noticed this wasn’t really that bad. when i got called back they asked for m weighed and i weighed myself , scale said i was 106.1 pounds (yet i just ate) and my dad who’s on the more heavier side says “you’re getting fatter then me”, and this lady who may be another doctor starts laughing . i ignore it because i didn’t want to address it because i feel like i would get into a temper which i didn’t, i got told he was joking but like excuse me he had no right to say that, when i got into the room i was really stressed. time fly by where my now primary doctor comes in and does what he needs to be done, and his hand was on my shoulder, i ignored it cause i didn’t want to make a scene , yet it made me feel uncomfortable, yet i don’t mind getting a hug. and then we were leaving my dad brings they weight up again and says i wonder how much i (he) ways and says he would break the scale implying i’m WAY More skinnier then he is. since 8th grade I’ve probably gained 5-6 pounds and i’m now a senior in high school. Can’t this day just get any worse , cause i wish i wasn’t alive really anymore because i’m struggling each day to be okay but i guess I’ve have more days of bad then good so whats the point i wont ever really be okay. so whats the point of loving me or helping me if i’m just gonna be disposed.