Currently depressed because I’m isolating from my friends because I’m in one of my stupid “nO oNe ReAlLy CaReS” moods… Things are actually going fairly well for me rn, better than they’ve been in a very long time, but I keep finding ways and reasons to be sad. I’m putting myself out more IRL and people are responding overwhelmingly positively, people love me which is all I’ve ever wanted but I have to be a little pissbaby because my best friend “ignored” one of my messages, which he then later responded to anyway and just hadn’t seen at the time. Yet I still feel compelled to act like this. I hate myself and would 100% kill myself rn if I weren’t a people pleasing little coward who fears how my neighbors would perceive me or what they’d say about me. That and spite, there are people in my past who would be happy if I died miserable but while I mostly passively suck, they actively suck so at least I could be worse I guess lmao
I’m just tired of being me. My best friend doesn’t deserve this, he’s patient and kind and understanding and here I am “oh boohoo he didn’t respond to my message better kms” like the obnoxious little whiny nuisance that I am… Even now I know he’d most likely be happy to hear from me and I’m not doing this to punish him… I think? Maybe subconsciously I am and that just worries me. I know he cares but as pathetic as I an for this, I’m tired of feeling like the one who cares more in friendships but even that is stupid cuz if I were so caring then I’d just openly express what I’m feeling to him except I don’t wanna be a burden anymore than I already have except he’s said like millions of times he’d rather me be open with him than go quiet but I just wanna die, I’m tired of always hurting my own feelings and letting other people get caught up in my nonsense, I wanna die I wanna die I WANT TO DIE, I HATE BEING ME, I AM THE WORST
The people IRL who like me only like me because they have, ZERO CLUE how difficult I am… A good acquaintance but a terrible friend, lol, I want to die so bad rn I really hate being me
First of all, welcome to HeartSupport! I am glad you found us and that you were brave enough to open up about your struggles.
It sounds as it there are a few things in your life that are definitely going in the right direction, like you opening up to people IRL and them reacting very positively to that. This tells me you have people that care about you and that is great!
However your mind is trying to push you in another direction and that can be terrifying. Especially because it tends to happen so fast. What you are describing sounds like the way my brain works at times and I know it is very hard to fight against that. However there are ways to do that, and in my experience (and also shown in lots of research) this actually helps. If I understand correctly you sent a message to your best friend and you did not get a response. This made you feel like you were being ignored. Luckily your friend did reply in the end. But you are still feeling bad which is understandable. Feeling ignored is a horrible feeling and it can be hard to shake that off. It does not mean you are a nuisance! I hope that the fact your friend did replied helps to know he does care about you. He also said to please be open with him which I think also shows he is a good friend. There are so many things I want to say to you but somehow I don’t manage to write it in a good way. I think you might need some help, like therapy. It does not mean you are a nuisance! Sometimes it is hard to do stuff alone and others can help us see things in a better way.
I hope you can talk with your friend about how you feel. In case you feel so bad that you might want to hurt yourself I would ask you to please contact somebody, here is a link to a website with crisis resources Crisis Resources | HeartSupport
And please remember that you are valuable and that you matter!
Feel free to get back to us to update how things are going, if you want to
Thank you for sharing with us about how you feel. It took courage to be vulnerable and open up. For that, I am already proud of you.
I can understand how you are feeling because I too went through a lengthy period where I felt the same. And even sometimes to this day I have these kinds of thoughts as well. It’s kind of like this nagging and constant battle in your mind your thoughts vs. reality - but your thoughts feel like reality and reality feels like a lie. When in these thought processes it is very easy to find actions and behaviours that support how we feel and what we think, and to become passive about the actions and behaviours that contradict them.
For myself I found that by learning to love myself and see myself in more of a positive light, I was able to believe the love and care that others had for me as well. It was hard to believe that people actually wanted to be my friend and cared for me, when I didn’t believe that I was even worthy of such things in the first place. How can they love me, when I hate me. I had to actively redirect my thoughts to use words and memories and reality to combat the negative feelings. My therapist consistently challenged the negative thoughts I had and taught me how to challenge them myself until I was able to get to a point where I can now successfully argue back that my “no one really cares” moods are just moods and they are not true.
I understand how dealing with such thoughts and feelings on a constant basis can be tiring. But, friend, you do matter. You are liked and loved and cared for by others. Your friends are happy to be your friend and to help you and support you and talk with you, if you let them. You are NOT difficult to deal with. You are simply human. And every human has a beautiful complexity to them. That is what makes humans and each person unique.
Welcome to HearSupport! I’m super proud of your being brave to post your struggles. There are days I feel that I’m not showing my true to self anyone. My close loved-ones didn’t know that I’m not always perfect but a chaotic mess. It’s totally normal of you feel insecure about yourself. I always view my insecurities as something a goal to work on. I did made a lot of mistakes in my past friendship. I remind myself that’s the old me but don’t let flaw make you feel coward.
I used to be a people-pleaser and it sucks because I lost who I was as a person. It’s important to set boundaries when having friends. There were few friends that I used to resent in the past but not anymore. I always focus to love myself before making new friends. You have that friend that never care about you, you thought that they like you as a friend. I wish my past friends were more honest with me in the past. If you don’t like me, let’s don’t be friends in the first place. I have so many fun things that I missed in my life doing due to a certain toxic friend.
He doesn’t sound like a bad friend but also you are not a bad friend. I always overthink too much about certain things for no reason. Sometimes your friends have a life outside than you. Your buddy just got busy and forget to read the text message. I have this bad habit not replying people’s text messages. There are things I have to do like volunteer, work, and spending time with family. I need to take at least two days to take a break from communicating others. It can be mentally exhausting for me. I do love my friends but I need to take care myself. As I get older, I love to be alone and focus on my hobbies. Hobbies helps me have interesting conversation with people.
Instead thinking of negative thoughts: What are traits that you love about yourself? Why are you a special friend? Is it 100% true that I’m the worse person on Earth? It took many years for me to self-love. I always feel like I’m not a good person but there are several evil people in this world. History is a boring subject for certain people. However, you can learn on not do bad actions or say due to past events in history. My past friends told that I’m weird but everyone is strange in a certain way. I told my ex-friends “Not many people will agree with your opinion.” People forget that everyone grow up in a different cultural background.When you are too harsh on yourself, you feel low-self esteem.
Your friend is absolutely correct, it’s better to be opened than be quiet. The more you hide this conflict within, then you will snapped at your best friend one day. Your friend might feel hurt of your decision. Communicate does help lessen the conflict.
I am sorry to hear you are experiencing a tough time. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable with us. Everything you are feeling is completely normal and valid. As the saying goes, “We are our own biggest critic.” No matter what others see, we tend to pick ourselves apart for everything. I relate to your post so much and have felt this exact way before. I want you to know you are not alone.
It sounds like your best friend really cares about you and wants the best for you. Have you ever opened up to him about the way you are feeling? I can relate to the fact that it’s hard to tell others about your struggles because you think they might not understand. Whenever I feel like this and am reluctant to say how I feel, I remind myself that someone I am calling my “best friend” should also be someone that I can share my thoughts with and someone that will hear me, not judge me, and support me. Reflect on this, but from what I hear, your best friend really cares and you would both benefit from having these conversations.
When really good things start to happen, it is human nature to believe we are not worthy and question where this positivity came from. Sometimes, no matter how difficult it is, you have to know that everything that comes your way is meant to find you. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be surrounded by good people. The main thing that helped me understand the feelings I was experiencing, my sensitivities, and my mind overall was starting therapy. My therapist helped me understand my boundaries in relationships and how to stop the negative voice I had in the back of my head for as long as I remembered. She helped me counter the negative self-talk I was so used to. Once I was able to understand the root causes of my sensitivities and internal conflicts, I became more loving to myself and started to see what others saw in me.
I want to encourage you to push yourself out of your comfort zone, try new hobbies, learn to love and enjoy alone time, go on long walks, and try journaling or drawing. These are a few examples of things that really helped me show myself love and clear my head from self-hatred and negativity. You are not a burden or an inconvenience to anyone. You matter and people are drawn to you for a reason. Whether you see it at this moment or not, you are radiant and full of life. Please practice daily positive affirmations and be in touch with us here whenever you need to vent or need some guidance. Sending you love and hugs <3.
