I am turning 20 at the end of this year and I am finding it so hard to understand why something that happened to me when I was 15 is stilll affecting me to this day. My first ex-boyfriend was a terrible person who took advantage of my vulnerability, fantasized about killing and raping my dead body, threatened to kill himself every time I tried to leave, and would hit me then make me feel bad for being hurt about it. That relationship lasted almost a whole year before things ended. My psychosis was at an all time high during that time and I needed to focus on myself. Even after all the terrible things he’d done to me I still wanted to keep him updated and apologized over and over again for leaving him. He turned my friends against me and made me feel bad for moving in with my father in a different city. My own mother even defended him saying I was making it up in my head for attention. it had been 2 years after that and living with my dad, I was stable. For the first time in my life I maintained genuine smiles and laughs. I’m now in college, unemployed, and emotionally numb to the core. In recent times, I’ve had the opportunity to talk and potentially date with a nice man with every single green flag any person could ask for. Physically, I can’t stay far from him. Like some part of me eats me from the inside when all I can do is look at him and not touch him. Mentally, he’s not a real person. Nothing around me is. It feels real but it doesn’t at the same time. You could ask me to list one thing I like about him and nothing comes to mind. I want him, yet I can’t stand the thought of dating. The closer he gets the more I fear him. I feel so numb. I can’t express a proper emotion. I’ll mimic the physical reactions from other people around me but myself, I don’t know what sorrow, happiness, or anger is. I want to love and be loved so badly but I am so detached from that emotion it physically hurts me. If I could, I would stay numb just to know what love feels like. My friends say its PTSD doing its work from my first ex and a mix of schizophrenia making me empty. I don’t understand why something that happened at 15 is affecting me now. I really don’t understand. Everyone says it’s because I was so young but that’s the reason why I’m struggling to understand. I am an adult now. I hate that something I went through as a teen will possibly haunt me till my middle-ages or till my death. Comparing myself to other people, I always thought I was a normal-presenting person. That my experiences weren’t as serious as people make it to be until I realized that every single person I talk to says my issues are incredibly severe. I’m yearning to be a normal person able to process normal emotions and process trauma in a normal way. I never grew up resonating with Christianity like my mother’s family yet sometimes I find myself crying to God to change the way I am. I am a lost cause. I have no plans for the future whatsoever. I would never take the chance to end my life because I know it’s not worth it and I have people that depend on me. But thinking about it soothes a part of my heart it makes me cry. Not the type of crying caused by being sad or depressed. The type of crying where you don’t have a reason and it’s just your body having a physical reaction. I hate the way that I am and I can feel the schizophrenia eating away at my brain. I just want to be a normal person so badly it hurts my chest.
Hello Anonia
I’m sorry that you went through the experience you did when you were young. Having such a terrible experience with relationships and love is definitely something that can affect the way you are going into any relationships in the future. Especially when the people around you do not believe you, when you share with them what you are going through. That is awful. I am glad that you found solace with your father in another city and were able to move on from that situation. You talk about psychosis, but have you ever been diagnosed with any kind of psychosis from a Mental Health Professional?
Because I lack more context it is hard for me to understand what psychosis it is you seem to be suffering from. To me, the psychosis was in the person who abused you. Not in yourself for having been abused. I think that it would be natural for anyone who went through what you did, and then had people not believe them, to become very mentally strained and exhausted/numb. I don’t think you should feel guilty for having the feelings\thoughts that you have. More so accepting, and look for what you can do with the feelings/thoughts to try to turn them around. I think this is something that can be very hard to do, and that a lot of times it requires a decent support system to be able to be pointed in the right direction on how to cope and deal with the things you are dealing with. I’m not saying you may not have developed some form of a diagnosis that can help you move forward and work on yourself. Just that you should be careful self-diagnosing yourself amongst your friends. I’m not sure if you have access to any therapy or mental health professionals, but I think they would be able to help a lot more then just talking to your friends about things. Doing guess work on your own with your friends, and self-diagnosing I don’t think is going to get you as far as a real professional would. Not all professionals will be a perfect fit, so even then you might have to “shop around” a bit before you find the right person to help, but good guidance is important in working through these types of things.
It seems like you have a deep romantic interest right now, and you can’t seem to find anything you actually like about the person, but you also said the person has a bunch of green flags. Do you not like these green flags? Are they not something that you like about the person? If not, if there is truly nothing you like about the person, then I would say it’s just chemical romance. Which is fine. It’s okay to be romantically and physically attracted to someone, and it is okay to pursue these things. As they can still develop into something long term. If the traits and qualities required for that, develop over time. I think going with your gut, and heart in these situations is important. If you feel that it is something you want, then continue to develop it. If it feels wrong, or like something you don’t want in your life. Then I think you should move on from it and focus on yourself. Regardless, I think self-love and self-care are going to be a big part of starting to try to feel better. Acceptance of who you are, and what you can do with the person you are, to try to make small improvements in your quality of life. To love yourself and find the things that make you feel good regardless of anyone else around you liking/disliking them. In the end it is YOU who matters, not anyone else. So those comparisons to others you are making, I think are unfair to you. Especially because we only see of others, what they let us see. You talk about not being normal. I’m not sure what a normal person looks like. I think we are all different and dealing with our own issues in our own ways. So to me, you are perfectly normal. I have bpd, and a core part of that is co-dependancy and mimicking that of those around you to fit in. I’m not saying that you have this. I am just saying that I relate to what you are going through in this regard. It has taken a lot for me to begin to develop my own self, and care for myself. I also experienced trauma in various forms when I was younger. It has taken a lot of hard work to overcome these things, and there is still ongoing hard work to be done. I have professionals, peers, books, and jarring life events to thank for my progress outside of my own work, but even with the help of these things to shift my perspective. I could not change idly, I had/have to take action and execute the self development I have learned I am capable of.
I don’t think you should yearn to be normal. I think you should yearn to be the best version of yourself. Because the best version of you, is far greater than anything normal that could exist in the world. The more severe the things you have been through are, the greater the person you are capable of becoming by overcoming those things and turning out stronger on the other side. Those who do not have great struggles, or great fights. They can not become the Victorious/Strong person that you are capable of becoming by winning against the odds of what you have been through/are going through. This is something that I have found to be a very powerful truth, the further I come a long in my own recovery. I no longer see the trauma of my past as trauma. I see it as the building blocks of becoming the man I have become today. A man that could not have existed, had he not been through the things he had to endure, to end up the way he is today. I’m not sure where the answers will lie for you, or what things it will take for you to grow and shift into a better place mentally. Because it is your own journey, but i can assure you that if you endure/fight long enough, and actively look for real help and support in doing so. That there is a place on the other side of all the pain that is far different then the place that you are currently sitting in mentally. It doesn’t all go away. I still endure a lot of emotional pain/intrusive thoughts, and symptoms. But I have built something on the back end of them that allows me to understand them, and experience less frequency in feeling them. I believe you too are capable of making this progress in time. I’m not sure if I say the right things in these things ever, but i do care and hope that you can find some relief to the things you are going through with time. <3
From my perspective, you are responding and processing in as normal a way as is possible. PTSD can be triggered by current events that in some way remind us of the original trauma. It sounds to me that you learned to live with the traumatic memory and were able to “maintain genuine smiles.” Then the possibility of a new relationship triggered feelings similar to those related to the original trauma.
Even though you see this new guy as different, it may take your deeper feelings some time to accept that this relationship really can be different.
Consider this woefully inadequate analogy. Say someone gets into a car accident. They’re upset and terrified to drive again. Time passes, and she decides, “maybe I really shouldn’t be afraid to drive.” She feels whole and confident, but still hasn’t done any driving. One day, she decides there’s an important reason to start driving again, and she finds herself getting anxious and miserable again. The thought of driving brings back the initial upset and terror, just as the possibility of a new relationship has triggered the emotional memory of what happened when you were 15.
Back to considering what “normal” is. There are some common patterns of reactions, feelings and behaviors, but every person is an individual and their are differences in how each of us deal with trauma. There’s no set timeline for recovery or specific formula on how the processing of it unfolds.
I think you’ve done a wonderful job of surviving and finding ways to cope. It’s just that this new possibility presents an unexpected emotional hurdle. It doesn’t help that your mom doesn’t understand the situation, and judged you irresponsibly.
Also, wanting to keep him updated and asking forgiveness, is likely to be an integral part of how the trauma affected you. It’d take a pretty long explanation about how that happens, but just know, that frequently a victim will fear, hate and love their abuser, all at the same time. It happens often enough that one might call it “normal.”
I find myself crying to God to change the way I am. I am a lost cause.
I believe you were created as you are for a reason, and God approves. Being lost is the first step in discovering greater wisdom. It’s a time when you can let go of beliefs that no longer work for you. It’s an opportunity to be at peace with yourself, even when those around don’t understand you. I don’t resonate with traditional Christianity, as so much dogma has driven out rationality. Still, there are some valuable elements in it, for example being lost, then found, or my interpretation of being “born again,” meaning to take a fresh look at yourself and what life means to you, and what you want from it.
What do you feel has greater value, being “normal” and unchallenged, or being transcendent, having learned to manage the unfortunate things that have occurred in your life?
Mine is a very long story, but essentially, I’m way way way far from normal. I’ve figured out how to be okay with that. Sometimes being the way I am can be really entertaining too.
Hey my friend. While I cant identify with every single thing you said in this, I can relate to some of it. I’m glad you’re here. heartsupport — Mozilla Firefox - I am losing my mind and there is nothing I can do about it - HeartSupport / Support - heartsupport — Mozilla Firefox - 16 April 2024 | Loom