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I am old & I don't care about life anymore

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#1

I am 70 & have no intetest in life anymore. My family tends to live to 90 or 100. My life has been good by most standards. I have been depressed my whole life. 25 years on meds, 15 years twice weekly with top psychiatrist then stopped. I have been good at pretending towards others but I am tired of the mask. I raised two wonderful children who are well adjusted and have 2 grandchildren.

I have ‘been there…done that’ and do not want another 20 to 30 years. I love my family and do not want to hurt them. None of us are religious or believe in an afterlife. Of course they will be sad whether I die now or in 30 years. What I struggle with is their acceptance of my suicide. I want them to understand that I have had enough…more than enough. I hope for an incurable illness or a fatal accident. I try to think of a way to make suicide look like an accident. I try to think of a way to explain to them my wish to die so we can say our goodbyes and they can ask questions. I don’t want them to feel guilty that maybe they could have prevented it.

Our culture is focussed on preventing suicides by gettin help for people. I understand that. But what about removing the stigma of ending your own life intentionally when the person is sane and makes this choice after careful consideration. If a person is terminally ill it can be accepted by some. It needs to be accepted also for those who are terminally uninterested in living longer.

I had been active and had so many interests throughout my life but slowly those many interests faded away. Now I do nothing and look forward to nothing, and can’t make myself develop new interests. Over the last 3 years I literally have done almost nothing. I try to sleep away the time. I will read or watch Netflix just to kill time until I can fall asleep. Humans were not meant to live so long.

How might I proceed from here? I am struggling with whether to tell my family now and have an open discussion. I fear that they might not understand and have me involuntarily hospitalized. Maybe it is better to just do it and leave a written explanation. I am not making an impulsive decision. I have been thinking about ending my life for years…I can’t face this limbo of living stagnation between being fully alive and death. Maybe this is the wrong forum. I wish there were philosophical books to seriously address this topic.

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#2

I doubt your mental health is 100% on point, if you’re this deep into considering suicide. You’ve justified it to yourself and you’d like to see it normalized but it’s not. People get committed to hospitals because people think it’s to protect the person. There’s some crazy stuff going on in those hospitals. Life is a gift and it doesn’t always go our way but we should all try to relax and refocus our attention and stay here on Earth.

#3

Thank you for your response. I did not mean to suggest ending one’s life should be normalized… just that in some situations it should not be stigmatized. Life has been a gift but the gift is no longer useful…it is a burden. I have refocussed many times but there is nothing to refocus on anymore. I have hung in there for 70 years. That is long enough.

#4

You’re throwing away something others would kill for.

#5

Hi friend, I am really sorry that you are feeling that way. It seems like you are being really hard on yourself by saying how un-useful you are. I don’t know what your life situation is, but saying you are a burden is putting a lot of negative energy on yourself. You know? No matter how old you are, you still matter, you are still important and you still hold value even if you don’t feel like it.

With that said, while I am not your age, I can understand those feelings. As I carry them very regularly and often struggle coming out of them. It’s important to know that even if we feel we are just burdens and useless, that it doesnt mean it’s true.

Very recently I have been trying to find ways to combat these feelings and have been looking into finding pen pals. This I found has been something that is actually making me feel good. As it allows me to connect to someone knew, embrace getting and sending mail, sharing my person, life story and hobbies with someone and hearing about someone elses.

You say you are useless, but maybe, just maybe you could look into finding some penpals to connect to as well. You never know who out there could really use a friend. Maybe you could be that friend. You would be surprised at how just a small act of kindness can make such a huge impact. Share your story, who you are with someone else.

There are actually a lot of ways that you could be useful and feel good about yourself and what you are doing. I understand that it is often hard to do that. Especially if you struggle with depression. It can cause lack of energy and motivation.

Maybe try the pen pal thing. Its cool to share that kind of relationship with someone knew. Send letters…small gifts…something to look forward to…

I hope that you are able to find some sort of thing that can bring you happiness this year, my friend.

Lots of love

  • Kitty
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#6

Hey sigh,
i just joined because I googled “I give up” and seen some familiar thoughts coming from this site. I scrolled looking for an older person that I could relate to( no offense younger people) because being an older person with mental issues is different. We have been there done that and maybe done that a few times and knows what works and what the new reality is.
I wanted to ask what your mind frame was at 50, I’m 46 now and going through a lot.
I really feel that you have A LOT to share and maybe can find happiness and meaning in life if you can see how much you’re able to help people with your experience in this field.
I feel once you get a certain age, it gets hard to absorb because you have so much and need to find a way to reflect.
You might be feeling like you have no choice but, but maybe you’ve been focusing too much on trying to help yourself and maybe it’s just about helping other people.
It’s really weird, I’m the opposite of you. I want to live as long as I can, even with feeling the way I feel like no one cares. I thought a bunch of times about killing myself and it just scares me and doesn’t make sense so I would never. I really hope you can find change

Sorry if this didn’t make sense, it was written with the best intentions.

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#7

I agree that this site includes mostly young people. The issues affecting older adults often are different. AT 46 I still had kids at home and I also was always helping others. That gave me a sense of purpose even though I have always been depressed. Unfortunately I was often taken advantage of. I think I helped others because I was subconsciously needing help myself.
You are at a time in life were people seem to re-evaluate where they are and where they are going. It is also a time to give up preconceived notions and try to accept yourself. It can be difficult but also freeing.
I went through a divorce at 52 and after the initial shock I was free to reinvent myself. The saying… ‘fake it till you make it’ … helped. I began to ‘pretend’ acting like the person I wanted to be and that worked. I started slowly and eventually the acting turned into naturally becoming more like the person I wanted to be. You can’t change overnight but give it a try.
In my case now at 70 I have done so much in the last 20 years that I have become worn out. I am not afraid of death…it is just like being unborn.
You are still young enough to continue with your life. Make a change…any change. Change attitude, location, activities, anything. Then see what happens.

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#8

Thank you for the reply, that meant a lot to me. I can’t figure out if I’m the toxic person or my wife is. I’ve been to a therapist and would literally yawn in front of me and look at his watch, which I took at him looking at how much time he was wasting. I think a devotee will happen in my future and I’m so scared because I haven’t been single since I was 13.
I’m sorry I don’t want to switch the focus since this is your thread.
I hope you feel better soon

#9

Sigh,
Have you found an answer? I have struggled myself with exactly what your feeling. I am only 51, but I have no joy. Let me restate that.

I am married to my best friend, I am about as happily married as a person can be. I have 3 great kids, 3 grand children and another on the way. I had 4 great kids once, but lost one to suicide when he was 15. I have a great job. My life has been difficult but it is good.

So, why can’t I feel joy, desire or excitement? I try and talk to people, but they dismiss me.

Like you, I can’t bear the guilt of what it would do to my kids. One already has a hard time with the loss of my mother, and thats been years ago.

I am tired and hope most nights that morning won’t come.

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#10

I feel this in my bones. I turned 50 last Tuesday. I look back at those 50 years, and I cannot fathom living one more day of this life. It’s just too much.
Were you able to come to a decision? Were you able to see things differently? Or are the feelings still there?

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#11

I’m 68. You have perfectly expressed how I’ve felt for the the last few years. I appreciate that.

#12

I am 60 with no money, no job, no family that cares to have me in their life. I almost died from covid and i wish they had let me go. Not one call from any family members. I have tried making friends for 15 years but they eventually stop calling. I am not a bad person. I have had a past of many loving friends but that was many years ago. I feel like maybe life is telling me it is time to go and my spot on the planet is needed for someone else, that it is someone else’s turn now. I am tired of the agony of being alone. I am starting to feel indifferent about it all. I think I am resigned to the fact that I am going to end it at some point.