I am sharing this because of the guilt and error i

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I am sharing this because of the guilt and error in my ways. Warning, this shit can feel hard.

My mother died when I was 3, my father remarried about an year later for taking care of me and my sister. My second mother was very ambitious for me and my sister and made me do tasks of several above grades, I remember doing division in 1st class… She was very physically abusive and use to hit me badly every 2 days or so. I grew up hating her everyday and this hate prevented me for having good nature towards other kids in school. I grew up alone without much friends because of it. In 8th grade, it was covid lockdown time and I was watching yt during a very boring class of history, my mother saw me and hit me hard. For he first time I hit her back and it felt so good, all the anger inside just got removed in one go. After that my mother stopped talking to me, and it felt like we were strangers. It filled me with regret of what I did but on the otherhand she pushed me so hard, it broke my will and thinking about myself. I don’t know how to recover from it. From the societal point of view ( in india ), she will always be considered right and I wrong. The only reason I am still at my house is due to the supportive and self sacrificing nature of my father for the welfare of his kids.
Also I do understand what my mother wanted was the best for me. My sister was very hardworking and endured it all, she has one of the highest paying jobs in the world due to mother’s guidance. But the enforcement of living life like that and being controlled for everything broke me. I still don’t have many people I can term as friends. There is a hole in my chest which I am unable to fill.

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Hey there!

First off I just want to say thank you for being open with us here, we appreciate it and don’t take it for granted. Thank you.

I’m sorry for the tough times you have been through.

I have been there to an extent with school when I was younger living at home. My sister was in the advanced classes, so my parents thought I would be like that too, but when it got to a certain point it became too much.

I would not show my report card, I would tell them I was doing fine… but I was not, I had a lot of struggle with school, the work, the friendships. I wanted to be someone that I was not, and I was stuck in my reclusive anxious shell.

Now that I am older, I can see how far I have come. I don’t think often about those times, I’ve learned they don’t really mean much. Sometimes I wish I did sports or did better in school, but for me that is in the past, and all I can do is help my child through when the time comes.

You do not deserve the pain you receive. Sometimes as humans we jump to what will make us feel good in an instant, for me I struggled with self harm, I would hit myself whenever I was having a breakdown or if I messed up. It took me a long time, but I have been able to work through these responses to create better, healthier ones.

When I was still living with my parents I tried to find healthy outlets that helped me feel better. For me I played world of Warcraft, watched YouTube videos, listened to music and made art. I crafted dreams of what I wanted my future to look like, what I wanted to do when I got to another place in life. It gave me hope I guess.

You are not alone in this, there are people who will listen, and people who care.

Keep holding on.

Lys