I’m a 42year old swf and a few years ago my ex tried to kill me when I tried to leave the relationship.
He hit me in the face with a maglite and broke my teeth.
I couldn’t get away for a week and once I did get away I left with nothing.
I left my belongings my nic nacks my clothes my pets everything.
I drove 19 hours from FL to MI and stayed with my sister n mother for a while.
During this time I was so messed up from the abuse I went to the doctors and they gave me pain meds that I got addicted to.
Also during this time I was a Cena and the pandemic started happening.
I started taking more than what I was supposed to take bc I realized the pain meds made me numb.
I had no emotions no feelings and nothing hurt as long as I was shoveling handfuls of pills down my throat I didn’t feel anything.
This worked untill it didn’t and I started feeling suicidal.
I had met and started dating another abusive man and refused to listen to my mom n sister about him.
I let him come between us and they made me move out.
He was so controlling and abusive I would have to sleep in store parking lots in my car bc of I moved, snored or made a sound he would hit me.
He was constantly screaming And Calling me names.
He would damage my car n throw my belongings all over the place him telling me I’m worthless, no one wants to be around me.
I knew I needed to get help and I signed up for a program that gives u therapy, meetings and they help u get off pills with comfort meds.
It was still hands down the hardest thing I ever did .
I got away from this “man” but couldn’t find any place I could afford.
I work 2 jobs and it’s not enough on my own.
After staying in my car for a month I found an office space and secretly have been staying there and showering at the gym.
I’ve been sober now for a year, 6 months and 23 days.
My family will not forgive me and do not believe I’m sober.
I have provided proof that I go to meetings, take drug test randomly all the time for my doctor and all of this is voluntary most ppl in this program are court ordered to be there.
There is even a woman in my group that was so high she rolled over n killed her grandson and her family forgave her in no time but my family is acting like I murdered someone.
My sister is 32 and has never left home. She lives with my mom and her best friend.
There is an additional bedroom but she is refusing to let me stay there.
She is so hateful and screaming but the first thing they teach u in recovery is that the opposite of addiction is connection.
I have no connection I’m alone and with my teeth broken ppl tend to be very Judgy.
I applied to get my teeth fixed through give back a smile and they said they can’t help they are too damged.
I just need to belong somewhere and be around ppl.
I don’t think I can stay sober having these feelings and emotions.
I’m in therapy and on antidepressants and just trying to get through one day at a time without caving.
Hey @Snina1022!!
Welcome to the HeartSupport family! I’m glad you found us and posted here for your first time. We welcome you with open arms and smiles all around!
Thank you for sharing your story with us… to say you’ve been through a lot is an understatement. First and foremost, I wanted to tell you how proud of you I am that you’ve been sober for 1 year, 8 months and (now) 24 days. This is a testament to the strength you have and shows what’s possible despite the trials you’ve been through. Keep going!!!
I’m really glad that you’re in a program that gives provides you with therapy as the abuse you went through is enough to make anyone want to emotionally numb themselves. As I’m sure you’ve already found out, this is a good way to go through your trauma and to identify the areas we as humans don’t like to look for reasons why we may find ourselves in situations with abusive people, triggering situations that would make us want to relapse and so on.
On a personal note, when I was 19 I was nearly killed and had my face basically crushed in. After surgery I was prescribed extremely powerful pain pills and I took them as directed. Faster foward 3 months to when my doctor said he wouldn’t sign a release form for me to go back to school if I was still taking these medications. I took it upon myself to immediately stop THAT day… I’m sure you know where this is going, but I experienced full fledged cold turkey. It was, still to this day, (I’m 32 now) the most painful experience I’ve had to date. I didn’t realize it was possible for every single part of my body to be in so much pain. Like EVERYTHING hurt.
I can understand how and why you found respite from the emotional pain through taking pills as well. I don’t blame you at all for that. You simply were trying to survive. To continue on despite the world around you being so painful.
It sounds like you’re still in a really tough spot, but at least away from the abuse and away from the pills. So keep that up! As Marcus Aurelues once said, “what’s in the way, is the way.” It may be hard to have your family trust you again after all the stuff that has happened in the past, but actions speak louder than words. It will be clearly evident that you’re doing the “good work” as you continue with your programs. Over time, you will start to radiate a certain aura that everyone can notice and good things will start being attracted to you.
one of my best friends that I met when we started a job together after college had just began his sobriety. He looked kind of rough, was a pretty upset guy, and had a somewhat dark aura, if you must. This guy lived for his AA groups (was at one point a case of wine drinker a day, used meth, constantly on psychedelics, taking every pill you can think of and so on) as he would alway say, “If I don’t go to my AA, I’ll probably end up dead.” He was there voluntarily and over the years I watched a man that was more or less dead on the inside turn into a guiding light. He’s been ~7 years clean, now the patriarch of his family (both of his parents has passed away), exudes an aura of pure positivity, has helped me through my own rock bottom, and is a mentor to several people in his AA program. Because of him, I was able to see the power that these groups can have.
But, to your point, it’s important to be a part of a community as being surrounded by people going through the same journey you are ( or similar) is important as you keep one another accountable. You get to share in the success milestones, the celebrations of being clean with one another. In a way, you all are like a family with each other. My friend has been a part of several diffferent groups as he found it was important that as he grew as a person, It was important to expand his network in order to meet people and mentors of his own to help him continue doing the inner work…or “the next right thing.”
That said, have you thought about joining other AA Groups? (if you’re not apart of an AA group and what you said is a different type of program, have you thought of joining?) If so and you haven’t been made aware, here’s a website which gives you resources on the groups you can join in your area. There’s even resources for joining specific groups like a womens group, virtual groups, there’s even an app you can use! The good thing about the virtual options is that you don’t have to be from a certain area in order to be there and can use your phone, the library, or anything to join!
And of course, now you’re part of the HeartSupport family!! On top of the anonymous support wall, we have what’s called “SWAT” groups. We meet at designated times through discord and as a group respond to posts together. I’m the leader of the SWAT 5 group and would be more than happy to have you as a part of our group as we provide support to others. One of the most significant things you can do for yourself is to help others. So, if you can and if you want to, please do join!
Here’s a link to do so! https://discordbotlist.com/servers/heartsupport
To wrap things up, I again want to let you know that I’m extremely proud of you and know that you can keep going. You will win at life and you’re on the exact path you need to be on to do so! Stay strong my friend. You can do this. I beleive in you.
Welcome @Snina1022 ! Thank you for sharing your experiences. These are difficult things to share, but I am glad that you are able to do that here.
There is so much you’ve been through: abuse in two relationships, pain meds, a non-supportive family, going without a home while working two jobs. I can see that because of the pain you were in, physical and emotional, it makes sense to want to numb it all. It is a brave thing to work through the process of abstaining from substance abuse, and I congratulate you for your more than 1.5 year sobriety. It must have been so difficult to go through that with a very limited support system.
Like you said, the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, it’s connection. It can be disheartening to be working so hard on yourself and still not have the support of your family. I imagine that with your past relationship experiences, you could be hesitant to make new connections, maybe even platonic ones. I can also imagine that with your work schedule, you might not have time to find and make new connections.
You probably don’t know how you can make new connections, but you made the first step by coming here. You were vulnerable about your past in the hopes that someone out there would read it and respond. I hope that our words of encouragement will help you feel the connection that you’re missing.
Some of the ways that I’ve found that help me make connections is through hobbies and volunteering. When going through experiences like yours, it can be difficult to want to go back to doing the things you used to enjoy, but it is worth it to be able to do those things or find new hobbies and activities to enjoy. If your not able to meet up with people IRL, you might be able to join online groups that focus on those hobbies.
When I volunteer with a few organizations, I’m able to connect with the people that I serve and the people that I serve with. If in-person volunteer opportunities are difficult to schedule, you might be able to find online opportunities that have less constrains on your time. I know that websites like justserve.org have some online opportunities, so that might be a good place to start.
Again, thank you for taking the time to share your story. You are doing so well in improving yourself, and I hope that you’ll be able to find the people that will help you feel welcomed. If nothing else, you will always have a place to belong here with HeartSupport without judgement.
Hold Fast <3