I don’t even know what to say anymore. I feel like i’ve said all i wanted to say and wrote down every feeling. This pain won’t just go away. Im just sitting here crying about everything and there’s nothing i can do about it. I don’t feel like im living for anything, im not even living for myself, i hate myself. I just wish i wasn’t born so bad. I can’t forgive myself for anything.
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Hi Amaris,
I may not know what you’re going through but I can 100% relate to everything you said. I just want you to know that you are unique. You may even underestimate how special you are, just as I have done to myself. There has never been, nor will there ever be, another you. And although life is so painful right now, it won’t always be. I know how incredibly difficult it can be to see anything positive in the storm. I’ve been there. I wanted to commit suicide this year and nearly came to planning it but things changed unexpectedly. I’ve experienced depression since I was a teenager and I’m 28 now. Things have always been up and down but I’ve just recently found true joy in being alive. Seems impossible for you probably. I know. But if things changed for me, I know they can for you as well. Life may seem like a curse, but it’s actually the greatest gift that you have been given. It wouldn’t be right for me to not mention that God has played a major factor in my being able to overcome this. God created you for a reason. I don’t know what that is and you may not either, but I challenge you to go ahead and ask Him. He has answered me many times in my life- at time it’s just downright creepy lol I’m praying for you hold on. Remember, in order to feel relief from the pain you have to be alive. Relief is a feeling. You can message me anytime and I’ll get back to you asap.
~Rene
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Hi friend - thank you so much for posting and for sharing - I am sorry you are in such a dark place. Please hold on. You are worth it - you can survive this and become stronger. You say you can’t forgive yourself for anything. Please know that no one is perfect - we are all worthy of forgiveness. Pick one small thing and see if you can forgive yourself and move forward. Hold fast friend. You are worth it. <3
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Hi Amaris. It’s really hard to see anything. I was suicidal and I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t know what to do I couldn’t see anything. I don’t know how old you are but my group alanon asp.afg.org and keytoharmony.org saved me. There’s alateen if you are a teenager. It was two shares topics on prayer and meditation step 11 about talking to God prayer and listening to God meditation. And the other topic was courage facing our fears therefore mastering.
Courage faces fear and thereby masters it.” Martin Luther King, Jr. This helped me to see things from a different view and helped me not be suicidal. I was able to do things to change things.
Alanon or alateen 12 steps help with self love. Hugs.
Dear @Amaris,
I hear you. Some days it’s hard not to feel helpless and hopeless. Like running in circles again and again. Like being stuck in a room with the exact same corners that we’ve known and seen for so long. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this lack of purpose and meaning these days. Sorry you’ve been feeling so much hate for yourself that you thought it would have been better not to exist at all. I know how it feels, just like too many of us here.
Amaris, your life is not a mistake. You are not a mistake. Life is crazy sometimes. Tough. Oh, yes, really tough. But there is hope. Even when everything just seems to be dark and useless around you. Even when you feel very alone or crippled by doubts. You’re breathing, existing. This is your very first strength and power. And you could have chosen not to reach out for the past weeks and months. Yet you do. You keep sharing your heart, to express your vulnerability.
You know what is right. You know what’s healthy. You know how much the lies in our mind can be convincing sometimes. But theee are lies. The reflection of the heaviness we’re carrying sometimes. Of our deepest feelings. We’ll keep carrying this burden with you then. You know I’ve read your posts and the things you’ve been sharing for a moment now. It’s never a lie to say that I care about you.
Keep taking care of yourself, friend. Keep focusing on healthy steps. Time heals the deepest wounds. Give yourself the grace and patience you need while you are healing. I see you. I see your efforts. You are not living for nothing. You are living for yourself. For the smiles you can have. For the good memories you can create. For the love you receive and give. For the possibility to create and recreate yourself as much as you want and as much as you need.
You are loved. You matter. Now, tomorrow, always. 