I go through cycles of this feeling, but I don’t take meds because I’m afraid of not feeling at all. I get panic attacks because of anxiety combined with PTSD (I’ve been abused, assaulted, and raped). I also have clinical depression. I’m experiencing both right now. I think it was triggered from my recent experience where my boyfriend shoved me because I didn’t want to have sex while he was drunk. My performance in school and at work is starting to suffer. I used to self harm, I did for almost 10 years, but I’ve gone months without now. I almost committed suicide a couple of times, but I was pulled out of it. But I don’t know how I can handle this anymore. I almost passed out yesterday I had an attack that was so bad. To cope with it, and to try to sleep, because this cycle always gives me nightmares that keep me from sleeping, I started drinking again tonight, just because I want to pass out. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I can’t take it anymore. I really can’t face another day feeling like this, but I can’t seek help. My mom found my suicide note once, and put me in therapy. I can’t put my mom through that again. But I am spiralling and I don’t know how to get out
Mariana,
I’m sorry to hear about all the things you’ve been through…the fact that you are still here and willing to fight against these forces shows that you have a strong, fighting spirit.
Please seek help, be it professional or someone who truly loves and cares about you, where you feel an unconditional sense of comfort. The fact that you have panic attacks and are looking for outlets makes me very concerned, and I don’t want you to think you have to deal with all these issues alone. Find someone who you can truly talk to about everything that’s on your mind rather than only scratching the surface of what’s going on.
I wish there was more I could do for you, but don’t give up! I’m glad that you summoned the courage to reach out to us on HeartSupport. You’re not alone, and you shouldn’t feel that way. Never hesitate to reach out to one of us, we’re all here rooting for you!
-Brian
Hey Mariana,
Thank you for being so honest and coming here for support. I am so sorry you’ve experienced the traumas that you have. You are so very strong for fighting and pushing through. Can I ask why you cannot seek help? Perhaps giving therapy another try would be helpful because it could help you find some coping mechanisms that help you during the times you are panicked and anxious. I know how exhausting and overwhelming that can be and finding some healthy coping mechanisms can make it seem more manageable. We believe in you!
Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes
Just hold on. Your feelings are valid. Everything will turn out for the better in the long run. I know that it doesn’t seem like it right now, but it will