I want to say, I’m not suicidal, I’ve tried therapy and I’ve gone to other anonymous help sites and self-help sites. I don’t think of myself as a particularly vengeful or hateful person, in fact, I can say I have only hated three people and held a grudge for these three people since I met them. I’d like to think I keep my mind open and I have issues with trust but I won’t say I outwardly dislike people as soon as I meet them.
This post is about one person I can say I will never like, and before this post is flagged let me say this person bullied me in high school, was a direct cause of miscarrying a child and was responsible for over 15,000$ in losses to a mutual friend.
This person, who has single-handedly destroyed my life at one point and the mutual friend mentioned before will be named Villain and Hero. I will refer to myself as I and anyone else who I mention in the friend group will be Ally but keep in mind Ally refers to multiple people. This affected both of us but my friend is the saint in this situation, so she is Hero.
Villain was aggressive in high school, she targetted me as I had friends outside the friendship I had with Hero and a number of other girls were in (this group is collectively known as “Ally” and there are about five girls who Villian targetted other than me, give or take, over the years). This story spans from sophomore year and nearly seven years AFTER high school. villain would always push me, physically, when coming up to the group, sometime it would be a simple squeezing herself between me and hero or so far as squeezing up to hero and pushing one or two Allies with such force that they run into me or domino away from the group. It got to the point as I walk fairly stable and didn’t fall as much as the Allies and they would stand behind me or opposite me from Hero. Hero said this made her feel isolated but I told her why it was happening and she was sacred Allies were getting hurt. One girl did sprain her wrist after being pushed toward a trashcan while walking, she tripped to avoid Villian. She was one of the people I had to be most careful about as she would lock arms with me to avoid being flung around by Villian. Context wise for the pushing, Villain was 150 pounds, I was raised rurally on 10 acres and weighed in at 220, most of it was muscle and I would help my neighbors feed large livestock, lifting hundred-pound hay bales into a tractor bed since I was in my early teens. Before that, buckets of feed, walking into me was often like running into a barn door for villian and the allies knew it. When villian had made her own private side parking spot to hero people eventually started leaving as she pulled up. They fled could begin her assault on us. I usually stayed but she would talk about how one ally’s diet wasn’t working or how she thought another ally was a insert bad name, not limited to the usual slurs because she thought saying harlot or carpetbagger made her sound sophisticated I usually stayed quiet around her and this made her annoyed when I did speak. She called me a nerd and a creep most actively, but honestly, I was wide and the only one she couldn’t physically assault away so I was told she called me fat and a sloth on occasion as well. Villian’s remarks always got around and I’m pretty sure the way I reacted and didn’t go away struck her as annoying. I never cared what she said, and I truly saw through her acts more than Hero did. She eventually claimed I grilled her out on facebook, Hero had tried to get me to get facebook for five years prior to this claim, so Hero called villain out because she knew I wasn’t a social butterfly and didn’t apply myself to social media. This made villain angry, her sole purpose was to destroy me after this point. On another note, this was around the time my childhood friend who I was dating wanted a break and ended up dating another girl for a few weeks. during these weeks I engaged with another male friend a “friends with benefits” arrangement. We weren’t careful and I was pregnant after a short while. The friend with benefits guy actually wanted to step up and things seemed to be turning in an uncertain but potentially good direction for me. Yes, I dated my childhood friend before but he was happy with his own relationship and why couldn’t I be happy growing my own future? Enter villain on week twelve of the pregnancy, I had been spending more time with the father of my child than hero and the allies but I trusted them. I had known most of these girls including for hero since the third grade, we had childhood memories and a bond of trust build over years of knowing each other. villain was obllivious to this it seemed until Hero told her how long I’ve been going to school with them and how I was in the same grade they were. This made villain more aggressive, how could she be kept in the dark on how much I knew about hero and allies? well if I’m speaking honestly it’s probably because no one wanted to tell her anything because it felt like selling each other to save themselves from being donkey kong tossed into privately owned villain incorperated the rumor mill.
This post is getting longer than I thought it would and I’m getting emotional about this next part. Villain in her numerous bouts of rage and my new condition of growing another human being made me weaker to her assaults. She cornered me and pushed me down one of the three indoor staircases we had at our two story high school main building. This resulted in me miscarrying my child, the child that had bonded me to a loving man who treated me with respect and wanted to be the father to our child. He had gotten a job and even rented an apartment which would be open to me if I chose to quit school after I grew too big to avoid confrontation with my vastly religoious parents. I cried as I went to the bathroom, abdomenal pains and fear growing by the second after my tumble. I sat on the toilet and realized my underwear was wet. cramping continued but I pulled my jeans down and fear made me sob as my underwear was drenched with fresh blood. I sat on the toilet and texted my boyfriend and the father. He responded immediately and asked me where I was. School was still in session and I was missing from my class but I was always asking to go to the bathroom and teachers caught on I would vomit if not permitted so they were suspicious but I was given bathroom rights at my leisure. My boyfriend pretended to be a janitor and came in with a oversized uniform and a mop. It was clear he either convinced the janitor to give him the jump suit and mop or he stole it but I didn’t care because in the 30 minutes I had a chunk sitting in the toilet of floating blood. I was terrified and I will say my next action is unsanitary and gross and justified villian calling me creepy but I stuck my hand in the high school toilet and fished out the tiny bloody membraine that I knew was my and my boyfriends child. I wrapped the tiny glob of forming cells in toilet paper and heard a knock on the door. I unlocked the door and my boyfriend swung it open, I could see his obviously abnormal apperaance but I looked down at the bloody toilet paper and couldn’t even do more than sob as I was knelt besidde the toilet. Words didn’t describe it fro either of us, we were kids and we knew it. We both had rough childhoods with our parents, his were alcoholic and mine dictated my life based on their religious views. We wanted to give this child more than we had and we knew it would be hard but in those months we had hope. My boyfriend looked forward to being a father, he joked he had practice with his little brother and would take our child, daughter or son to the park every day. He would never drink alcohol even at the wedding eh wpromised me in a few years. He gave me a ring he got from a walmart gacha game and even though it wasn’t a real stone it was big and he promised to get me one a ring with the same stone size for my wedding band because “this was just the beginning.” I told him holding my hand every day was more important because showing this child we would love each other and them was more important than a ring. This was as close to true love as I thought I’d get, villian tore it apart with one spiteful shove and three months of love and caring didn’t evaporate but the loss was unforgivable. My boyfriend cried with me, though he was silent I felt his tears hit my hair. We stayed there for twenty minutes, kneeling on the floor, a mop tossed outside the stall and I walked by the yellow “cleaning in progress” sign when we left. We were both drained and cut class for the rest of the day, We made a strong effort to stay together but eventually the pain made my boyfriend drink and he moved away to not subject me to the very thing he hated most. I found out later he died in a drive by of some sort my senior year, only four months after he moved away. He was only shot once and was listed among the victims in a brief gang violence report in a paper I had to google to get closure. All that was left of the man I loved was a newspaper clipping thanks to a vicious girl who didn’t like me because I was friends with people she was friends with. The miscarriage made me avoid her like the plague but the loss of my boyfriend drove me to hate this girl. After all he had been doing so well, he had hated alcohol until he had to deal with the loss of our child and when he had tried it he had fallen into his parents folly. What happened hadn’t been either of our faults but it cost him his life. Suffice it to say I was not even able to look at villian and was never ready to share my grief with even hero who asked me why I was upset constantly. This was how villian destroyed my life and I rebuilt it over years of talking about it and not allowing myself to fall into outs like suicide and joining my boyfriend and child. It took a ton of willpower. The worst part is Villain’s parents both died in a car accident my senior year, the last semster I had to look at this girl she stood before me and wanted grief closure. I sat across from her and she told me she regretted bullying me and calling em names and asked I accept her apology. I was still hurting and while I’m Not proud of this I said, “I cannot accept any apology you have to offer. This is not about the bullying I will never regain what you have cost me and I will never be able to talk you again.” I sadi this through gritted teeth and tears in my eyes and she stared at me, She blew up I won’t repeat the slew of insults and aggressive statements she said to me that day but if anything justified my refusal to the public that was a start. Hero talekd to me later about why I couldn’t tell villian I just accepted her apology and I told her that I miscarried and that the miscarriage drove my boyfriend away indirectly killing him. I was blubbering and after reconnecting years later she said that’s not what she heard through my blubbering and ugly crying. She knew villian did bad things but had no idea what I went through. This was when she shared her story about villain with me.
Hero and her family had taken villian in after her parents died, they helped villian get a job repeatedly, get into night school, and gave her rent free, 3 hot meals a day and access to their snack cabinet. Which Hero’s mom kept stocked with homemade cookies and even homemade dog biscuits for their dogs. Hero and her brothers worked jobs and wanted to go to college, they had a deal to pay half and their parents paid half or some other arrangement which made Hero and her brother work to get cars during high school and have goals. Villian actively cut into hero’s funds. they went out to dinner and Hero paid for everything despite working three jobs to get her college funds and miantain her car insurance, a 9,000 car that took all her allowance to buy. Because her parents had set aside money for their kids early on but wanted them to work for their education so they saw the value and didn’t waste time deciding what they wanted to do it life. When all three kids got accepted into college their parents surprised them by saying they would go on a family vacation for the summer before all the kdis started campus life. They moved their kids out and called them home with this big surprise. Villain had been living iwth the parents during this transistion and made a scene during the family announcement about not being invited on the cruise trip. However she stayed home and refused to take care of the family dogs who Hero’s family loves and adores to the point of handbaking dog treats that actually could be confused for cookies in their scent and appearance. Hero’s mom hand presses the dog bone shape and it’s real dedication, she jokes her mom will still have kids to dote on because of their family dogs. Villian basically says she won’t take care of the dogs and Hero and her family don’t truvt Villain with the fur babies. This is where the betrayal happens, the final straw for hero and I hadn’t been in contact with her for about two years after high school. She has gained the money to go to college and her parents have just given her the means to go on a trip she’s dreamed of. A euro-asia cruise that begins in Britain, then travels to coastal wise down to italy and then crosses oceans to travel along with tourist coast parts of china but includes train tickets to visit the great wall and other inland tourist destinations. It passes over India which is one of the Hero’s secret tourist favs. She has wanted to see the palaces and vivid street markets there since she saw Aladin as a child, but she’s excited. She updates her facebook and shows all kind of photos but when they hit the last destination she gets an alert about Villain’s facebook has a photo upload. The photo is of some barbeque place and a rude review post about how the wait staff treated villain. Located in Kentucky. Now, this is key as I was born and raised and Hero was born and raised in Colorado. I was from a southern part and had to take a nearly hour-long bus ride to school on the short bus because it was tasked with a lighter load and could make the trip out there, I was placed in the behavioral SpEd (Special Education) plan when I was diagnosed with my bipolar disorder. I’d like to say I have managed all my symptoms but perhaps the bipolar is what makes me hyper-focus on the negative aspects villain had in my life. When villain Kentucky post is listed Hero shows her parents and one of her brothers notices her license plate and her car is in a reflection of the storefront mirror. This throws the family into chaos, they’re on the final destination, japan and Everyone has been looking forward to this one. They don’t want to go home but they know villain has no drivers license and that was why they even left their car keys out of the safe. Which even Hero had locked up her most precious jewelry to avoid fighting with villain who has “borrowed” jewelry and clothing before. Hero finds herself worrying, her car is in the possession of an unlicensed driver and she needs that car to get to work only three days after they are scheduled to return. Her brothers convince her she has to report it stolen it is after all and they can just wave the criminal charges after they get back because they have proof of ownership and villain could get killed with the way she drives so it is protecting villain either way. Hero finally calls the car in as missing and calls her insurance to handle the details. They assure her they will find and contain villain and need to know when she will be back in the states. Villain is found four days later without the car, it is assumed stolen by another party but villain won’t admit to even being in the car. She claims she had a plane ticket and she was on her own vacation. Unfortunately, for villain, Hero’s brothers saved the photos from her facebook and ultimately toted all the evidence in a flash drive back from japan. They hand it over and drive the stake home because this is a full out exorcism to them, one brother moved out early at 17 just to avoid villain. Things work out in the brothers’ favor instead of Hero’s because Villain has earned a resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer charge and must spend time in jail. It is originally 60 days in the county jail but ends up being talked down to thirty days because she is a first-time offender but she would have had a year behind bars if Hero had maintained her car thief charges as some parts were found in stolen and suspected chop shop cars. Ultimately hero gained an insurance settlement and was able to buy a car only three weeks after the theft but she had to be driven to work by her parents and brothers during that time and help villain with her case (because she’s too nice and didn’t want villian to be in jail) so she was set back in her college money. She had to keep one fo her jobs to make up the difference but still started school and she used her and her parents funds to get through it. She gave no money to villain for the court fees but she did act as a witness for villain. She told me she didn’t lie but she did say the car theft was a misunderstanding and not entirely Villain’s fault which helped her beat the maximum fines and jail time. After that Hero disregarded Villains friendship after nearly a Decade of giving her free reign of the house, free meals and long term support. Villain still posts to facebook about her job running her down and how she hates her life. She even posts about being suicidal and telling her boss she needs help and not getting it. She works at a WalMart or King Soopers and I check in on her because I don’t believe suicide is the answer. No matter how cruel and how much she took not only from me but my friends in the form of degrading, hurting or stealing from us she doesn’t deserve to die. I check in on her not to be spiteful but to make sure she’s still kicking, I wouldn’t help her and I can’t say I forgive her to this day for what she cost me, a family that I will never see again, but I have moved on in my life. I have a new boyfriend who’s loving and mindful of me. He doesn’t want kids and after what I’ve endured I’m not sure I do either. He says he’d rather adopt later in life and honestly that sounds even better to me. I feel happy with my life, and I hope villain does find happiness in her own way but I can’t forgive her I know that it’s been about seven years and I should have gotten past the grieving and blame game by this point if I was going to. I don’t think I don’t belong around normal people but I feel I need to get rid of this hatred in some form so if I become pregnant or adopt a child after me and my boyfriend have built up a relationship and life we plan and talk about I am ready to devote the love I need to and see clearly what I gained despite what I have lost. A part of me holds that teenage pregnancy against myself and I’d be lying if I said I thought it was healthy. That is why I am making this post, despite these emotions I want to be ready for what happens next.
Thank you for listening to my story, I keep hearing I am a 23 year old and this stuff will fade but I graduated at 17, I’m not a stranger to buckling down even with these feelings haunting me. I just don’t think it’s healthy to cling to them in the way I do. I am still in college, on the six-year plan I suppose and I reconnected with Hero on campus because she attends this college which is near our high school. She made me aware Villain still tries to talk to her and even followed her onto campus. This was a healing moment, revisiting our shared pains but I feel like my hatred needs to be taken care of otherwise it will fester and I don’t like the way I feel about villain. I want to not care like I did when she called me nerdy, creepy or fat. Let the healing begin.
P.S. Excuse the typos this was an emotional post and I didn’t spend too much time proof-reading.