I’ve been clean for 4 months.
A few days ago, I got an urge again. Without getting into details, something happened that felt similar to my past experiences (only the emotional feeling, nothing actually happened). I crumbled and my thoughts went to dark extremes because I felt so overwhelmingly hopeless. I’ve calmed now, the situation has resolved.
I’m numb majority of the time I think. But I’m able to put up a superficial layer that is socially acceptable. I don’t know how to live otherwise. Going numb is my safe-space, the only way I know how to cope other than scarring myself physically or mentally. I feel like I’m just wearing my skin but I’m not actually in it, only a puppet with mild consciousness. Going numb is how I survived in the past, so any slight triggers or resemblance to my past make me become braindead in a way. I become an outsider in my own life, body, and mind.
Back to urges, I haven’t acted on them and I don’t plan on it. Hopefully. Part of me is scared for multiple reasons. I don’t want to feel pain, but part of me craves that suffering. I don’t want to scar, but I want to feel valid. I don’t want to become addicted, but I want a way to cope.
I don’t know why I crave pain sometimes. Maybe it has to do with my past. Maybe he groomed me to the point where my brain started associating pain with pleasure. I don’t know but I wish I knew. It’s so confusing and shameful, I hate it.
My thoughts are so contradicting, I don’t know how to function. I don’t understand myself as a person when I’m two things but those two things are completely opposite of each other. Everything is so complicated and weird, I feel so inhuman and like an abomination.