I am truly struggling right now and need support (anxiety, fear, hopelessness)

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Hi everyone. This is my first post to any kind of forum like this. So bear with me - I am nervous and anxious. I hope I am not judged. And apologies for the wall of text. I’ll do my best to have it make sense.

Summary: I am overwhelmed with emotion: fear, anxiety, guilt, regret, shame. I don’t know how to handle it all. I am traumatized by all this. I see my normal therapist twice a week as well as an anger management therapist weekly. It doesn’t feel enough. I don’t know what to do.

I’m not sure where to begin.
I guess first some background.

About a month ago, March 5th, was a day that has changed my life forever.

This night, I spanked my daughter during a bad tantrum of hers. I have done this in the past with my kids. However this time it left some kind of mark (I never actually saw it). Later that night, I had deep regret and suicidal thoughts, which never had any true intentions or plan. The next day, working with my wife and my therapist, I voluntarily signed a 201 form to get psychiatric help. I was in the hospital for 4 days. I now stay with my mother.

I was on 4 different psychiatric medications at the time: Abilify, Dexedrine, Lithium, and Pristiq. My doctor in the hospital gave me a diagnosis of Medication-Induced Mood Disorder - basically too much stimulation, he thought. He pulled me off all my medications. I left with 2 new ones: Hydroxyzine for anxiety, and Trazodone for sleep. I have also started Lexapro 2 weeks ago - which has contributed to my anxiety.

Since this, my wife filed a PFA against me for the benefit of my 2 children (twins). I am told this was essentially to protect the children from being taken away from us. A CPS (child protective services) case was opened, as well as a separate police investigation. To date, I have not heard from nor spoken to either of these groups. They have already interviewed my wife and children, however.

About 3 weeks after the initial PFA was filed, my wife and I and our lawyers came to an mutual agreement for me to be able to have supervised visits with my children at our house or other places, speak with my wife, follow up with recommended health providers and treatment, and basically follow the rules of the PFA. It was extended for 90 days, or less if my wife chooses to drop it.

Her and I are on relatively fine terms now. We communicate daily. I also speak to my kids every day, along with visits when we can all coordinate.

My current struggle:
As I mentioned, and as you can see, I am dealing with so much right now. My anxiety is through the roof. I worry and fear everything. Fear of the unknown and what might happen, fear of failure, fear of losing my family, fear of making wrong choices and decisions, fear of my own emotions. When I do see my kids/family, I’m constantly on edge, worried and hyper-focused on how I am behaving so as not to fall backwards into old ways.

My biggest fear and worry is the CPS case & police investigation. It has been nearly a month since this has all happened, so I’m not sure when or if I will hear from either of these. I’m not sure how quick or slow these things move. I have a call scheduled with my lawyer this coming Friday to discuss both of these, so I am hoping it will set my mind a little at ease.

I’m not really sure what I am asking for here or what I am looking for. Maybe just a place to vent all this. Wondering if anyone will really read this and listen.

I just need help.

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Hi, I read the whole thing :revolving_hearts:

That truly sucks! :pensive: I can’t imagine your anxiety. Or maybe I can. I’m in a ton right now. My body is pulsing, my face is tingling and slightly numb. My lips and chest pulse, with some numbness in my chest. A moment ago my back was hurting tremendously… I’m not replying to complain in your post, just to share an example. I’m curious what your body feels like?

I’m sorry you’re going through so much anxiety. I have found for me it helps to breathe. It may not help for you, but breathing slowly through my nose, and long and slowly through my mouth has helped. Also talking about it (as you’ve done), and laying and doing the same thing. I’m about to try eating a bite of breakfast then trying laying now. If that doesn’t help I’ll try cycling.

I’ll be back if you’d like to share more of what’s going on. I also find that dancing, stretching, massage, singing, humming… all can help. Good luck with the feelings, I know they suck!!

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Oh, one more thing to share: compassion!

I think it’s perhaps one of the most healing practices for resolving trauma I personally have found (your milage may vary). When we can have compassion with ourselves and for those we love, it’s so incredibly healing, it’s like a super power.

Some guilt can be helpful (I did something wrong), it’s motivating, and causes us to seek reconciliation with our loved ones. However, excessive guilt just hurts you and your family. And toxic shame (I am bad, which differs from guilt: I did something bad), is always destructive, as far as I understand.

Whenever you can seek to shine the light of compassion to balance any shameful thoughts that arise, I think some healing of our trauma may occur… at least it feels that way to me. Any compassion you can muster may be very healing, especially for whatever happened in the past that may have triggered you to that mistake which hurt your child. I’m so sorry :pensive:

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Thank you! I appreciate you taking some time to read.

Through my therapy I’ve been working on different exercises and coping skills like the breathing you mentioned. Trying to explore what makes me truly happy, things I’ve truly enjoyed doing in the past. It’s hard, because I feel like I’ve forgotten my true self over the years, always trying to suppress emotions in a way to try to have some kind of control.

I’m also exploring different support systems as well. Finding groups like this to vent, talk, etc. I find talking about it does help me. And it’s so strange: years ago I would laugh in your face if you told me I needed therapy, or that therapy is helpful. Now, I don’t see how I could go without it. It’s such a crucial tool for me. To talk things out, explore feelings.

Thank you for listening :pray:

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I’m glad to hear you also like therapy. It’s helped me a ton too.

I relate about suppressing emotions! Did you learn to suppress how you feel to please others, to not be in the way?

Healing seems to quite a long journey. I think expressing myself in a variety of different ways is helping me heal too. I appreciate you sharing part of your journey. It’s nice to relate and and share a glimpse together :mending_heart:

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100%
I have been realizing this a lot lately - that I am a people pleaser and so I try to do whatever I can to, like you said, be out of the way/not be a bother, etc

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I relate. I grew up being the one who listened to, validated, and accommodated my family. I lost awareness of what I felt, wanted, needed, believed… I reloved around others, and it was interesting (and painful) when I was in the position of trying to please two people who had opposing desires for me.

If you’d like to share anymore, I’m curious to hear more about what pleasing looked (or looks like) for you too.

One message I’ll share with you, that meant a lot to me, is that you matter too. I felt like my worth and goodness depended entirely on to what degree I was selfless and others-serving. That was the direct message in my family, and perhaps like you, I’m in therapy working to get more in touch with myself, what I feel, and have real, authentic, intimate relationships. You matter too. Your feelings and needs matter just as much as others’ feelings and needs matter. I hope you’ll keep expressing as much as you’d like to, I’d be down to hear more :slight_smile:

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