I’m really tired. Physically and emotionally, yet also with life. I just cried about everything but I feel awful still because no one listens to me. Today was the perfect example of that. I had to go to the doctor bc I was so tired and exhausted. They said to get plenty of rest but here I am at nearly 4 am. When I’m tired my depression and anger take over, and everything is directed at me.
I don’t know why I am the only person to have no one. Why am I having to suffer so much? What did I do to deserve no one? I know people have it harder and worse than me, but I emotionally have no one. The only person I had was my grandmother and she died 6 years ago, before shit hit the windshield. She took all my secrets to the grave. Like how I cried almost every night for my mom when I was 10, how much I wish my brother would love me, how I cried when I was grounded for no reason the night of the school dance, and how she probably knew I was Bisexual. She was the only person who ever loved me, not even my own parents loved me. My dad left before I turned 2 and my mom would hit me if I said something wrong, but I still miss her because I know she would still listen to my problems.
Now there is no one to love me and I’m growing to hate myself Kore than I use to. I look in he mirror and think of a post my friend sent me. It said we don’t see us at our happiest, when we’re the most beautiful, or how pretty we are when we love something. It was really emotional and probably heartwarming to some, but it just makes me even more depressed. Because I don’t see how a person as ugly as me could er be called beautiful or pretty. Yes old women say I’m an attractive or beautiful girl, but they’re just being kind for my (non existing) self-esteem. When I look in the mirror I see me, an ugly, fat, disgusting person. The only feminine thing I had was my chest size and my long, painted nails. But my chest size isn’t really that big and I can’t paint or grow my nails for work. I’m not skinny but I’m not overly fat, I’m the disgusting in between. When I look down there’s only fat. I may have lost 20 pounds but that’s all I’ll ever loose, the only thing i cant loose is my weight. I’m so ugly and disgusting its no wonder I’ve never been in a relationship. “Ugly” people always have beautiful personalities and Beautiful people tend to be the opposite. But since I have both an ugly personality and exterior, I’m just fucked.
I can’t see who would miss me if I was ever gone. No one likes me, even as a person. My job would just replace me, same with my friends and family. There is one guy who said he’d miss me but I know he’s kidding. He’s half my body mass and can’t get over anime girls for 2 seconds to actually get to know me. If he knew me he would just walk away though so it whatever. If i died no one would really miss disgusting, ugly me.