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I am worthless and pathetic

I am completely worthless. Even when I try to be something better…something I can never be. I want to be a good friend, I want to be a good girlfriend, a good daughter and a good sibling. I want to be dependable and relied on and such a happy and smart person but I’ll never be that. There is no point in trying hard for others , I guess it just felt good to pretend I could be something better. But I know that’s not true now.

I’ve contemplated suicide for a while now, and I always look at myself in the mirror with the pills, and I eventually chicken out and fall to the floor crying my eyes out. Shaking whiles rocking back and forth holding myself whilst thinking “you’re f***ing pathetic” to myself.

Looking at my phone every night and not having anyone is the worst feeling you could have. I try so hard to be there for people and to interact with them, but I’m completely not treated fairly being ignored, shut out, etc etc.

People say “why are you with these people then?”. They’re all I have.

Why do I feel so alone and stupid? Why am I such a spaz that drives people away?? Why am I just such a waste of life! God would be so disappointed in seeing what I turned out like.

A miserable, depressed, pathetic and desperate person who tries her hardest but gets thrown back into the shadows of loneliness and I even get called annoying for trying so hard .

What is the point anymore. Admittedly I’ve been researching new methods of suicide, such as sleep insomnia pill overdose, suffocation, and even possessing a gun.

Yes I know, I’m crazy now. But maybe this is the one selfless thing I’m doing for myself besides cutting.

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I understand completely. I want to be all these things (Except I am a guy). I made a realization that what I want will most likely never happen for me.

I’ve always had these thoughts. A long time ago, I thought I was past this because I sort of dated myself after finding out I had a mental illness. It took a little over a decade to start progressing as I learned who I am. To be truthful, inside I spurned those that were suicidal. I thought that having a desire to kill yourself made you weak. This past month I had to face my delusion. I was still suicidal and I spurn others this way because I was running from the fact that I was still suicidal. I never got over my suicidal tendencies even if I don’t act out on them. I don’t spurn people that are suicidal. I was just mad because everytime suicide was brought up it would remind me of my own thoughts of suicide.

Worse is when from time to time you have people blowing up your phone and yet you still feel this way.

I don’t really drive people away from me. They just don’t hang around me unless they desire something from me. I did drive a few people off when I was first dealing with my diagnosis out of fear I’d harm them. (Now I regret that decision.) What I do is keep them at bay. I close up inside by having expectations of them betraying me.

I do/have too. It is weird I get a calming peace when I look up these things. (I know that I am in trouble.)

(TBH it is a very selfish thing.) In my research about suicide, it hurts people that you know. It leaves unresolved issues either to remain in such a state or those that knew you holding the bag to resolve these issues for you since you’re dead now. (It is good to realize when you’re fucked up. You shouldn’t deny the fact that when you kill yourself that you’re fucking up people that know you. So suicide is a very selfish thing.)

I hope only good things for you (I want to tell you that things get better & to not commit suicide yet that would make me a hypocrite when I desire it myself.) In no means are you a coward for “chickening” on the tendencies to go through with suicide. It shows strength either way.

It shows your will to live even if it means you suffer for longer. It tells me how strong of a person you truly are.

Purple Lily, I know exactly how you feel. I don’t know your age or background. I’m 55, divorced, disabled in the line of duty (public safety), a decorated veteran… and totally alone in this world - unless someone needs something from me. I have a daughter who two courts in my state gave me Sole Custody of. Her mother snatched her from daycare and 15 months &$45k later I never her back. And she was raised to hate me. And dating/social life … forget that… I lost my teeth when my jaw was broken and have to wear dentures. So I’m rejected for that. I don’t go to church for reasons of having been marginalized by the church. I’m not crippled but can’t work. I was the best at what I did. Now I’m totally worthless and wish for death every day. I hope and pray that life gets better for you though.

Hey! I’m just going to be blunt with you right off the hop. Do not kill yourself. I’m not saying this from a place of pity, I’m saying this because my best friend just killed himself in July and I swear I’ve never been so mad at someone more in my life. His demise has thrown so many wrenches I to my own process of self healing, and it has caused serious rifts between me and everyone I’ve ever loved. And he’s not even around anymore to scream at. I have so many questions, I have so many doubts, and what light I had in my life feels ripped away from me. I am now fighting myself as much as everyone else around me. So please for the love of any god that may exist, do not kill yourself.

You are not alone, you are just lonely and there’s a difference between those two words. In my experience, I’ve found that the best way to combat that loneliness is to push yourself into scary situations involving new people. Be entirely transparent, and try to focus on the moment you’re currently living in, and do your best to ignore the past and everything it has ever represented until you know you’re in a place where those memories and those thoughts can be addressed in a safe and buffered manner. Some of my best friends came out of situations like this, and I think you’d be pleasantly surprised as to who’ll stick around.

For me, the first step was forcing myself to make an appointment to see someone. I can’t stand the idea of getting help because my pride dictates that I can handle everything I go through on my own. But the sad truth of the matter is that sometimes we aren’t strong enough to handle the fight alone. So i urge you to push yourself into therapy. Get the help you need, get the help you deserve.

You are not worthless, no human life is truly worthless. Let me ask you this, what great catastrophe have you caused that should require you to harbor such guilt and prejudice against yourself? As far as I’ve read, I’ve seen nothing that garners that kind of self hate or loathing. I think you deserve love and life and I think that right now, as dark as things seem, I think you’ll make it through the abyss. I think that you’re stronger than you know, and I think we all want to see you succeed.

This part is going to be hard, but, I’m here to tell you to stop caring so much about what others think. These people clearly can’t see you for the person you really are, and if they cannot allow themselves to be loved by such a kind soul like yours, than I say mend and move on. Someone like you deserves to be cherished, and the only way you’re ever going to get there is by getting up, and telling your demons that you run the show now, and taking that first step forward back out into the world so that you can find those kindred spirits.

To you I am nobody. But to you, I am one who knows the pain. The hardest things in life are always the things that are worth it in the end. So choose the harder option, choose life. If you cannot do it for yourself, than pick someone who is close to you, who you know that you have helped, and you continue living for them until you can find the strength to choose to live for yourself.

You have fought tooth and nail for every inch of ground you have gained. Do not give that ground up. Continue the fight, and know that everyone who reads this has your back, and that you can always come here for aid.

Of this, I promise.