Hey! I’m just going to be blunt with you right off the hop. Do not kill yourself. I’m not saying this from a place of pity, I’m saying this because my best friend just killed himself in July and I swear I’ve never been so mad at someone more in my life. His demise has thrown so many wrenches I to my own process of self healing, and it has caused serious rifts between me and everyone I’ve ever loved. And he’s not even around anymore to scream at. I have so many questions, I have so many doubts, and what light I had in my life feels ripped away from me. I am now fighting myself as much as everyone else around me. So please for the love of any god that may exist, do not kill yourself.
You are not alone, you are just lonely and there’s a difference between those two words. In my experience, I’ve found that the best way to combat that loneliness is to push yourself into scary situations involving new people. Be entirely transparent, and try to focus on the moment you’re currently living in, and do your best to ignore the past and everything it has ever represented until you know you’re in a place where those memories and those thoughts can be addressed in a safe and buffered manner. Some of my best friends came out of situations like this, and I think you’d be pleasantly surprised as to who’ll stick around.
For me, the first step was forcing myself to make an appointment to see someone. I can’t stand the idea of getting help because my pride dictates that I can handle everything I go through on my own. But the sad truth of the matter is that sometimes we aren’t strong enough to handle the fight alone. So i urge you to push yourself into therapy. Get the help you need, get the help you deserve.
You are not worthless, no human life is truly worthless. Let me ask you this, what great catastrophe have you caused that should require you to harbor such guilt and prejudice against yourself? As far as I’ve read, I’ve seen nothing that garners that kind of self hate or loathing. I think you deserve love and life and I think that right now, as dark as things seem, I think you’ll make it through the abyss. I think that you’re stronger than you know, and I think we all want to see you succeed.
This part is going to be hard, but, I’m here to tell you to stop caring so much about what others think. These people clearly can’t see you for the person you really are, and if they cannot allow themselves to be loved by such a kind soul like yours, than I say mend and move on. Someone like you deserves to be cherished, and the only way you’re ever going to get there is by getting up, and telling your demons that you run the show now, and taking that first step forward back out into the world so that you can find those kindred spirits.
To you I am nobody. But to you, I am one who knows the pain. The hardest things in life are always the things that are worth it in the end. So choose the harder option, choose life. If you cannot do it for yourself, than pick someone who is close to you, who you know that you have helped, and you continue living for them until you can find the strength to choose to live for yourself.
You have fought tooth and nail for every inch of ground you have gained. Do not give that ground up. Continue the fight, and know that everyone who reads this has your back, and that you can always come here for aid.
Of this, I promise.