I am 34 now. I was a teenager when the following happened. My brothers and I moved into my Dad’s house. He wants to call the following “horseplay to an extreme” and “jokes” to me about how “I think he molested me”.
He made a rule that we were not allowed to lock the bathroom door. If we did it was punishable with spankings, regardless of our age (my last spanking was when I was 17, for something else). Then, one day, he started to open the bathroom door while I was in the shower, rip the curtain open, and start talking to me about how my body is. While I can’t remember the order, I do remember the things he used to say. “Your so small” or something to that affect. He would pull up his phone or a camera, and start taking pictures, or he claims he would pretend he was taking pictures, and never had any of them printed. As he’s taking or “pretending” to take these pictures, he is telling me things like “Oh! That’s a good one!” If I’m covering myself, he would through me a washcloth or whatever to get me to catch it, and say something about the angle or whatever direction he wanted to go.
I know he always liked to get a “rise” out of my siblings and I. He would do things like rubbing his hand up our inner thigh, as close to our p****** as he could get without touching them, or pinch us, watch us squirm, mocking us the entire time, pinching harder if we or one of our siblings tried to intervine saying “it’s only a little peice!” I learned that this is literally torture through therapy.
So what’s the word? Was I molested, or was I misinterpreting what he was doing? Neither of these was a one off, I don’t know how much they happened. I lost track of how many times. There were other things. But these still bother me today at 34 years old (male) and he will not allow me to speak if and when I confront him, which I have attempted multiple times.
I’m so sorry to hear about your childhood. No father should act that way towards their children. No human should act that way towards another human. No son should be raised in fear. I’m so sorry that this is your reality, and I wish I could take that away from you.
What your father did was so objectively wrong. No matter how much he may lie to you, what he did was not “horseplay” or “joking”. He embarrassed you and made you feel ashamed of yourself, and that is truly awful.
Regardless of what he did to you and how he mocked you, you are still an amazing and wonderful human being. It is okay to be 34 and still struggling with the past. Experiences such as yours can be so extremely hard to overcome. It makes me very happy that you mentioned therapy. I hope that through therapy you’v been able to find some healing, and I encourage you to continue that journey towards healing. You deserved none of what your father did to you. That pain that he inflicted does not define you, and it does not make you any less than you are. You are valued, strong, courageous, and bold. I thank you for sharing your story and I hope you know that if you ever need anything, we are always here for you.
The fact that they still bother you to this day show their impact-- whatever the category of violence. The depths of your pain and humiliation from these experiences is heartbreaking and I cannot imagine what it would’ve been like to live through them and now be gaslit about them happening to the degree they did. No one can tell you what your experience was or how something affected you-- because it’s just that-- your experience. The residue of that pain still follows you. No one can rewrite your story-- it is yours to author.
You have tried to confront you dad about these things and he won’t hear you out. At a certain point, people’s hearts are so hardened to what they have done and how they have hurt people that they simply cannot hear it. When that’s the case, you can hold to your truth and let go of the disagreeing voices. Forgiveness doesn’t need an apology-- its a release of what you’re holding onto yourself- no matter if your dad ever comes around and realizes the extreme depravity of what he has done. Your heart, your perspective, and your healing are what you have control over.
You never deserved those horrible things to happen to you and I pray you will keep seeking counseling and healing and forgiveness for all the ways you have been wronged.
I’m so glad you reached out. I’m so sorry that you had to endure that treatment as a kid growing up. No one has the right to ever make us feel ashamed or uncomfortable like that. It sounds like you have been in therapy before, is that something you found helpful? Talking about things that hurt deeply will help you to eventually heal from those childhood wounds. I hope you continue to sort through your experiences and emotions and want you to know you are not alone, it was not ok or your fault, and we are here to support you!