(Bear with me here, sorry this is so long.)
I spend all my time at school trying to be happy, and not snap at people, and to just be a relatively good person. So when I get home I’m exhausted after not getting much sleep the night before. After using up the little energy I have tolerating everything at school, I come home and find it so hard not to snap. But then I do. And then my mother flips out. She’ll just threaten to take my phone away or whatever to find some way of punishing me. But I don’t care about that cause I have cds and I rarely text or call anyone. What really hurts, is that she’ll scream at me constantly afterwards, telling me how awful I am as a person. and since I’m so tired, I start to break down. I don’t know if it’s my previous struggles with depression and suicide (Which haven’t been relavent for a long time.) or maybe it’s just the fact that she wants me to not hate my family so much. But she won’t let me be alone after that, I have to just sit there and cry my eyes out in front of everyone. I can’t say anything lest I just give her more of a reason to yell. My dad is a religious freak and constantly busy working for a relief mission to be at home a lot, and is always trying to help me find god or whatever (he only recently stopped forcing me to go to church on Sundays.) my mom has major anxiety, and ptsd about a lot of stuff so she’s constantly flipping out about everything and mad at everyone. And my sister has a rare type of epilepsy that doctors are barely able to treat, and it’s getting in the way of so much, I’ve had to watch her flailing on a stretcher, or calling my name at least twice a month since I was five. A bit of a dysfunctional family. Me being the big brother in the middle of all of this, I have to pull my own weight and then some every day, and do it with a smile. As I mentioned, I’ve had struggles with depression, suicide and suicidal tendencies, and alchohol which I’ve just recently gotten over. So I always feel like I need to be ok all the time so as to not get in the way of the care my sister needs, but also to not worry them again, to not let them down.
I know this might not seem like much, but this is happening continuously, and I feel like I need somewhere to vent. Thank you for your time to whoever reads this. I just don’t how much more of this I can take.
(Bear with me here, sorry this is so long.)
That wasn’t long at all!
I can’t help it, but your message made me smile. That’s not because I am a mean person laughing at your pain, but because you are incredibly funny and amazing in the choice of your words. And I should know, as as a professional writer I see a lot of writings of people. So I have a few things I want to say.
- Write. Please write. Get a notepad, a diary, anything, and write everything you think of. Write your heart out about everything that troubles you. This should help you blow up, because if it’s out of you and on the paper, it will bother you less.
And 2. Don’t say sorry about something you don’t know. You don’t know me, you don’t know if I think your message is long, or even if I have to bear with you. I was very happy to read your message and think you’re amazingly brave to write what you did. So don’t judge people OK? and don’t think for people. Because if two people are thinking the same thing, well that’s just a waste of one brain, right?
Listen. You are amazing. You have a natural ability to figure out a way around problems, like your mom taking your phone, where others your age would just sit and pout and throw tantrums. You are clever. Use that.
And yes, sometimes life is just too much. I know that all too well. After school, take some alone time to unwind, and then face your family. You are clearly overloaded with school life, home life, your mom’s life, your dad’s life, your sister’s life…but you, you need a little bit of life too. So take the time you need to be steady on your feet, and quick in your mind.
You. Are. Special.
Sometimes people just don’t get to hear that, or people forget to say it. So I am saying it again.
You. Are. Special. (Yes, I copy/pasted that :P)
You are going to be alright.
Martin / ThatOldDutchGuy
Thank you so much, I’ll definitely take your ideas to heart <3
Just wanted to say that it’s okay to not be okay. Sometimes we can only take so much. Its ok to be tired, worn out, mad, sad, etc. It’s okay, we’re humans and can only take so much. My suggestion would be to sit your parents down for a serious talk one of these days and tell them how you’re feeling.
Tell them that theres only so much you can take.
i’m praying for you. everything will be ok. Sometimes we need to take time to love and care for ourselves that way we can better do that to others. Make some time to rest and rejuvenate. We have to learn to love oursleves, because only then can we love our neighbors. Hope this helps.
i just wanna give you some tips that have helped me deal with family. find some time to “reset” and let out your emotions on something. for me thats listening to music really loud, drawing and/or writing my thoughts. just find something that works for you and remember everyone gets stresses we just gotta learn ways to cope with it
Hi Matt! Thanks for sharing.
First of all, that was not long at all. Keep writing when you have time, or when you feel the urge to.
I believe that the situation is difficult to handle and you shouldn’t feel bad. It’s not your fault at all: as you stated in your message, both your parents have personal problems they haven’t solved, so I wouldn’t count on them at this moment. What I suggest is to seek someone to talk to (in real life possibly, but always count on us), could it be a friend or a professional.
Since I was involved into the religious thing as a kid (and it just made me steer away from God every day that passed), all I can say now is that God never obliges anyone to do stuff. I barely go to Church as I don’t have time (I always work or go to school when there’s church), so don’t feel bad about that. God is there to listen whenever you need to, and I believe He has a purpose for you too.
Even if times are hard right now, you are strong enough to make it!
Love you, keep us updated
Thanks for the advice <3
I absolutely love listening to music. I’ve only recently gotten into art and writing, so I’ll try those too
I’ve never really been much for religion, but I wouldn’t say god doesn’t exist, I just don’t think I’ve found him yet. Thank you for your message it means a lot. I will try to keep writing.
It’s nice to feel like I’m supported. So thanks <3
dang dude, brutal. It’s the constant little things that can have such a simultaneously terribly painful effect but also feel like they totally invalidate you…like you shouldn’t feel these things or you should feel different…but dude, what you’re going through really sucks – to feel like you’re supposed to carry the weight of everyone’s dysfunction – at home and school – like you’re just supposed to eat it, and NOT blow up…feels like you spend all day constantly on the edge, and then when you finally slip and aren’t perfect, you get chastised for it, and cut down, and get put in the crossfire…but you can’t blow up at your mom because it’ll only make everything worse…so then you’re facing all of this anger at HER that you can’t express, so it feels like you have to swallow a grenade, and it just blows up inside of you into tears and sadness and powerlessness and worthlessness…man…it’s like…you just don’t know how many more days exactly like every day of your life you can handle without SOMETHING changing…
So bummed for you man. I’m sorry you’re dad’s not there to support you. I’m sorry your mom expects a standard you feel you can’t live up to out of you. I’m sorry school’s really brutal…but more than all of that I’m sorry you feel like you’ve got to carry all of this by yourself…to feel like as the “Big brother” you’ve gotta have it all together and any time you don’t you’re in trouble…I’m sorry, Matt. I’m glad you decided to unload here because you don’t have to carry it all alone – at least not your personal experience man. You’re not alone here. You’re free to vent or share or unload whenever you need to. You’re accepted and loved with whatever’s going well or whatever’s falling apart. <3
I know what you’re going through all too well. My parents were a lot like yours. They used to be very “down my throat” about everything including forcing religion on me. It’s hard, I will be the first to admit it.
It’s inspiring that you are there for your sister and trying your best to keep a smile on your face all while you’re in your own little rut.
The thing that I think you should try is maybe try being honest with your parents, tell them about your own personal struggles, tell them how you really feel about church, your emotions, how stressed you are about your sister and school and how you’re not sleeping well. I totally get the mentality of trying to hold all of that in, I did that myself but as soon as I started opening up about how I felt inside to my parents, it opened a door of understanding for them. I don’t how you feel about that, but I’d say give it a shot man.
Hit me up if you need to talk.
@matt sorry things are difficult for you right now Matt, hold fast
Hey @Matt here is our response from our Twitch live stream:
hey, i know im like, reallylate responding to this, but i wanted to give you a hug threw the computer. I know what its like to be in a really dysfunctional family. I’m really sorry you have to go threw this, and if you ever need to talk, let me know. I hope everything gets better.
You definitely have a lot on your plate, but I can assure you that you don’t have to bear all of the weight alone. I grew up in an environment where I didn’t always feel as though I could speak on my feelings either. My family isn’t big on talking about emotions, but it’s something that’s improved over the years. Outlets that I turned to were my friends, music, and writing. Bottling up your emotions is never good and you should never be made to feel as though you have to. You don’t. There are healthy ways to release it and venting on here is one. I know it’s cliche to say things will get better and I know how it feels to feel as though they won’t. When you’re stuck in the tunnel and you can’t see the light it’s suffocating, but keep going. You will find it. ️