I can’t beat the thoughts in my head

These are just some things I wrote down while I had some time alone on my break at work. I don’t know what to do, and I guess this is just how I can piece my words together. I’m sorry if it sounds sporadic.

Sometimes I just spend time alone listening to music. And… the words I hear make me think of the past and the hard times I’ve been through. I love the music I listen to. I don’t want to let go of it. But sometimes I feel like being alone listening to music puts me in a bad place. Like, I end up feeling the depression come back.
It’s hard because… that’s what I wanted to do for forever. To put out music. To be able to hop in the car or put on a speaker and hear my own message come through the airspace. I wanted to know my words entered other people’s ears. But somewhere along the way I gave it up. What I want to do became what I wanted to do. The when became the if which became the wish. It’s hard to deal with. I feel potential floating inside me, like an astronaut stranded in space. Full of knowledge and experience and ideas and out in the middle of where they’re supposed to be but just floating aimlessly, unable to do anything because there’s no gravity, no spaceship, no cable to hold them down, no one else around, no Houston. Just dead space. That’s how my potential feels. Full of life in dead air. Nowhere to go.
But, I guess I’ll have to go somewhere else. Is that okay? To leave that behind? Would help ever come for me? Would I ever come back to the surface? Or am I just swinging at the air for nothing? I’ve exhausted myself for no reason and I’ve chosen to go back to something else because it seems like I’ll never be able to reach what I hoped to achieve. I wish it were easier. I was hoping the “if” was doable. I wanted the “when” to be eventual. But the depression seems to be perpetual, even if it hides. I’ll never chase the dream, because it’s just too far out of reach…

Sometimes it feels like music is the only place where I can simultaneously feel safe but also destructive. I can put in my headphones or sit in my car and feel at peace because I can hear the hope someone else is telling me or I can feel the pain that someone else is singing about, empathizing with them in some way. I just don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know what to feel, and when I do, it can change on a dime. I just want to go back to not hating my dream because I can’t achieve it…

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music is a very poweful tool, im glad you have something that helps you. I listen to deathcore and people say og doesnt that make you sad but in fact it helps. It helps me knowing they feel exactly how i feel. Sometimes lyrics make me sad but genrally im sad before the music. I hope you have a friend or a pet, something to help you through tough times. Thanks for sharing man

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Eran,

Eran my dude, my homie, my pal, friend you are so loved and I am so sorry you have been feeling this way.

My friend you are not alone in this. I am so proud of you for posing.

We are all here for you.

Love you so much.

I’m always here for you. Keep fighting for your dreams- you’re worth it.

I know we were going to work on something a while back so if you want to talk about that we can.

I believe in you.

When you hit those moments of intense emotions or changing emotions in regards to music I encourage you to write those thoughts and the moments in which they happen down; in the moment it’s hard to do that but I feel like it could be a good thing to get into just to see where you can start to understand yourself more.

Once again, I am always here. You are loved, you are worth it.

Hold fast. Love you my dude.

With love,
Lyss (ur pal Blurryface)

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Hey Eran

We have a thing we do on my stream called TOTS (Topic of The Show)

The community and I sit down and read your post, digest it and offer our perspectives

You really hit home with your message and wanted to show you that. I think we have a lot in common - i hope that this helps. You can do it man. Never give up.

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Thank you so so much @DyllonKG I just watched this after getting home, this really meant a whole lot to me and gives alot of perspective with things. I’m really hoping for the future with what’s to come. We’ll see what happens… Thanks for taking the time to read and talk about it on your stream, it means the world to me.

Thank you so much @Lys and sorry for the late reply. You’ve always been there and keep on believing and the encouragement blows my mind. You’re such an amazing human being and I’m blessed to have such an awesome friend like you. I’ll do my best to keep writing, i hope to maybe just put some music to this stuff someday. Thank you again, it means more than you know.
Love you friend. :metal::heart:

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