In truth a creep and loser wouldn’t try as hard as you to overcome difficult emotions and make better choices. Yes, you’re in a day program, taking meds, etc. Can you imagine how much more you’d be suffering if you weren’t doing these things? So the mental health interventions have yet to make you happy, but I believe they are keeping you safe and out of trouble.
I remember an old Disney film in which a bear climbed inside a log, then the log rolled downhill and crashed into a tree. The bear came out of the log, a little loopy, but soon got mad as hell at the tree and clawed it to shreds. It’s a classic example of anger displacement. The tree didn’t do anything wrong, but it became the object of the bear’s focus and rage.
Your situation is different, but the same principle applies. There really wasn’t anyone to blame for the bear hitting the tree. It was just an unintended consequence of the bear’s foraging. There’s no rational “blame” to be associated with either her behavior or yours. You are responsible for your behavior, but you can’t blame yourself for having the mental health issues that interfered with your friendship with her. It’s important to try and see it from her perspective. At this point, analyzing the relationship and why it’s faded, only serves to provide wisdom for future use.
When talking about lost loves, one of my professors said, “you never get over it.” If you relive the experience in your mind, it’ll hurt all over again. It’s the same way with death and divorce. Do a bit of research on the “five stages of grief.” It’s a process that ultimately leaves the pain manageable as it becomes part of you. It’s not all bad either. I think it’s highly instrumental in the development of empathy.
Is it really accurate to say she lost a true friend? My impression is that you’ll always care for her and if she needed a friend, you’d be there. It’s okay to love someone you’ll never see again. There are a couple of people in my life like that. I think it happens to everyone.
I don’t think she does, as she did apologize to you. I also think she understands why you told her she lost a true friend. She knows you’re suffering emotionally. With all the stuff you’ve written about her, I suspect she wishes you’d feel better, even though she wants to keep her distance.
I’m glad you come here to vent. It has to help some anyway.
Take care