I’m 23 and the mother of two beautiful children. I know that means I shouldn’t be on this thread because I should be grateful for them. And I am but I know I don’t deserve them. I’m a horrible mother to them. I have no idea what I am doing. I try so hard. They are fed and clothed. But I get frustrated at my 3 year old and what to tell him to shut up because he talks and whines all the time. But I don’t because I don’t want him to think the problem is him. But I feel so guilty for even wanting to. My 8 month old daughter is perfect but I am so afraid that something will happen to her. And I get angry thinking she will grow up like me.
I am severely underweight and I probably have an eating disorder. But I keep telling myself I don’t because that’s not the kind of person I am and I don’t have the body dysmorphia to go along with the lack of eating. But I found myself angry at some tummy flab I have because I was too lazy to get back into shape after my two pregnancies. So I guess I have full on anorexia. Which is something I’ve always been accused of and teased about since I’ve always been slim so I guess all those people were right.
I can list all the things that have been happening lately but I can sum it all up in no matter how hard a try (and believe me I’m trying!!) I screw everything up. I always end up in a pickle or a hole of some sort and it’s always due to my incompetence or lack of foresight or just plain bad luck. But I can’t be this unlucky. I really do have to be very stupid and worthless to have this many mishaps and bad things happen to me. I sometimes put very minimal effort in so at least I can tell myself that if I did my very best it wouldn’t be this bad. To give myself some illusion of control over the situation. But lately I really have been trying my very best and it makes me feel even worse to know that my very best is not good enough. And I try to learn and get better. But the damage is already done. I’m so frustrated and dissatisfied with myself and my life that I want to just leave everything behind. I have no friends. My husband means well but he blames me for everything. He thinks he’s helping by pointing out all the things I am doing wrong and how I can do better. But I just feel even more hopeless because he doesn’t realize that I am trying to do better. It’s not working. I just lost all of our photos from our 4 year marriage just by plain stupidity and I’ve tried to get them back but so far nothing has worked. And I’ve been let go from two jobs in the last 3 years because of many things outside of my control but the things that were in my control I tried my best to do but it wasn’t good enough. I feel like a failure in everyway and I am even more angry at myself for feeling sorry for myself and making excuses for myself.
Sometimes it’s hard to be grateful, even though we have a lot of wonderful things in our lives, like your sweet babies. I’m here for you. I support you. I think what you need is for YOU to support you too!I know it’s hard not to look at the things that are going wrong and think you’re causing them, but you’re not. This is just life - the negative is part of the deal. When you’re mean to yourself and beat yourself up - saying things like “I’m terrible and must be so unworthy and bad if all these things are happening to me” - that makes it more painful than it has to be. What if you loved yourself through this? I promise, it is possible. You just need to find your way back there. You can do this. Being kind to yourself will help you deal with the negative things that happen in your life much better. We all have them - you are not alone. You aren’t causing the things; we’re all just clumsy, imperfect beings fumbling our way through and trying to figure it out. That doesn’t change the fact that we are ALL 100% loveable. I think you’ve taken a huge step for yourself and your family by asking for help here and writing your feelings down. I know for me, it’s so important to get my feelings out and see where I’m not being nice to myself so I can decide to change it. Don’t give up on yourself. You can do hard things - it sounds like you have already conquered so much. 
Hey friend, first off I just want to tell you that you do belong here! You can have all the blessings in the world and still need support sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you’re going through a lot right now. I’m sorry that you’re not feeling cared for and supported from your husband right now. It’s hard when the people closest to us aren’t showing love in the ways we need them to.
Also, you just had a baby. Give yourself some grace here. You made two humans! You’re a rockstar! But have you talked to your doctor about what’s going on with you at all? Lots of moms face postpartum depression and feel some of the things you’re feeling. Your doctor could also help you with the ED too. They’re hopefully a non-judgemental person you can be honest with. They should be able to offer you help and work with you to get you healthy and feeling better.
You’re not alone. You are strong, brave, and worthy. Hold fast friend and know you’ve always got people here willing to listen and support you.