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I can't do it anymore

I’m not sure where to even begin. I’ve been so depressed especially today and I can’t deal. My daughter is a college student and doing exceptionally well. She has her own health issues as well as I to live with. I have kidney disease, bipolar disorder, anxiety, an autoimmune disease called ankylosing spondylitis and a list of other health issues. Pain and chronic depression are my biggest things I deal with. I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2001 when I was 21. I had been hospitalized and over subsequent years hospitalized many more times all after attempts on my life. I was given charcoal numerous times and obv I’m alive. My last stint in the hospital I was in the neuro-icu after taking too much lithium. You’d think by the age I am now I would’ve finally succeeded. Yet here I am typing this.

I’m depressed most recently about my circumstances in life and the anxiety of the disaster we’re in with covid-19. I’m lonely, very lonely and I want comfort but there is none. I live very far away from anyone I know other than my 22 year old daughter that lives with me. I can’t imagine how she deals with things and I worry for her all the time. She has no in person friends, is in very similar circumstances as me. I’m upset with myself for not being able to sit and cry. Mad at myself for not being a successful person, angry at the things I put us both through throughout the years and so tired of feeling alone. I can’t find anyone to talk to or connect with. I’m tired of putting on a brave face for everyone’s benefit.

I just want my life to be over. I’m so tired of everything and I feel angry that I am forced to stay alive because others want me to or need me to be. It’s not a legitimate reason to be angry. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I need someone I can regularly talk to. Someone who understands the desire to just die. I don’t know what to do anymore, nothing makes these things go away. You’d think I’d be past this! Nothing distracts me sufficiently anymore from any madness. It’s as if no one cares anymore and maybe they shouldn’t. After all, why am I worth being cared about? I’ve thought of better ways at this point to end things instead of consistently failing other ways. I have nothing for myself and have been abandoned too many times by others I thought loved me. I guess I’m just hoping to find a reason not already put in my face as to why I should keep going. It’s probably selfish to want a personal reason instead of sticking around for others.

I’m tired, so tired! I lost my little sister to a car crash in 2007 when she was 24 and I have always wondered why was it her that died? Now I’m just rambling even more. I don’t know what to think or say anymore. I’m fed up. I’m done being a failure and I can’t deal with this anymore. I’ve been at this point too many times and I’m just fooling myself. Things are not going to change, with life or myself. At least not for the better anyway. Sorry for going on. I’ve half a mind to not even post this. I’m exhausted. Thanks for reading

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I know that life takes turns we don’t understand i lost my little sister a year ago to sucide and it hurt my hole family and me myself have suicidal thoughts and bipolar there is hope you never know what tomorrow will have and they are people who care i don’t know you but i know you are worth something and I care about you and i pray you have a better day today

It a lot for a parent to deal and raised a kid, god bless you man. I know a lot people with that suffering and having to raise kids. It show alot of characters and it okay to feel like shit. Covid had fuck everything up. I hope you feel better and stay strong!!!

I’m so sorry for your loss of your sister. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really didn’t think anyone would care and it really helps knowing someone took the time to tell me I’m worth something. Especially when I’m feeling so useless, helpless and hopeless. I really feel that there is no direction for me at this time. It’s as if I’m experiencing a very long bad day for at least the last year. The more days pass the more alone I feel. I don’t mind solitude as long as it isn’t constant, in fact sometimes I have to step away and decompress but not having the choice is horrible. I think loneliness is the biggest part of my depression the last several years. But I digress… i don’t know where I’m going from here and I feel whatever good has come in my life was the best it was going to get. Now it’s just nothing until I’m no longer alive.

Thank you for the support. Nothing has been easy that’s for sure. It really does help to know someone cared to read what I wrote about how I feel. I’m trying so hard to stay strong but it’s just been a fight for so long and gets tiring. Thank you once again so much.

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I can relate to you man

Thank you for sharing katiek, that takes so much strength. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this because that is so incredibly tough. I hear you. Although I haven’t experienced everything you are going through, I have certainly experienced loneliness and anxiety and know how hard that can be. Please know that you are loved and are worth it and I’m so glad you are here. Feel free to shoot me a message if you ever want to talk!

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