I’m not sure where to even begin. I’ve been so depressed especially today and I can’t deal. My daughter is a college student and doing exceptionally well. She has her own health issues as well as I to live with. I have kidney disease, bipolar disorder, anxiety, an autoimmune disease called ankylosing spondylitis and a list of other health issues. Pain and chronic depression are my biggest things I deal with. I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2001 when I was 21. I had been hospitalized and over subsequent years hospitalized many more times all after attempts on my life. I was given charcoal numerous times and obv I’m alive. My last stint in the hospital I was in the neuro-icu after taking too much lithium. You’d think by the age I am now I would’ve finally succeeded. Yet here I am typing this.
I’m depressed most recently about my circumstances in life and the anxiety of the disaster we’re in with covid-19. I’m lonely, very lonely and I want comfort but there is none. I live very far away from anyone I know other than my 22 year old daughter that lives with me. I can’t imagine how she deals with things and I worry for her all the time. She has no in person friends, is in very similar circumstances as me. I’m upset with myself for not being able to sit and cry. Mad at myself for not being a successful person, angry at the things I put us both through throughout the years and so tired of feeling alone. I can’t find anyone to talk to or connect with. I’m tired of putting on a brave face for everyone’s benefit.
I just want my life to be over. I’m so tired of everything and I feel angry that I am forced to stay alive because others want me to or need me to be. It’s not a legitimate reason to be angry. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I need someone I can regularly talk to. Someone who understands the desire to just die. I don’t know what to do anymore, nothing makes these things go away. You’d think I’d be past this! Nothing distracts me sufficiently anymore from any madness. It’s as if no one cares anymore and maybe they shouldn’t. After all, why am I worth being cared about? I’ve thought of better ways at this point to end things instead of consistently failing other ways. I have nothing for myself and have been abandoned too many times by others I thought loved me. I guess I’m just hoping to find a reason not already put in my face as to why I should keep going. It’s probably selfish to want a personal reason instead of sticking around for others.
I’m tired, so tired! I lost my little sister to a car crash in 2007 when she was 24 and I have always wondered why was it her that died? Now I’m just rambling even more. I don’t know what to think or say anymore. I’m fed up. I’m done being a failure and I can’t deal with this anymore. I’ve been at this point too many times and I’m just fooling myself. Things are not going to change, with life or myself. At least not for the better anyway. Sorry for going on. I’ve half a mind to not even post this. I’m exhausted. Thanks for reading