I’ve been wrestling with myself for a few weeks over this. And, part of me wants to hate myself for it. But, at the same time, i feel like I shouldn’t hate myself for trying to take care of myself better.
I’ve done my best for months, even over a year to support channels on Twitch. Viewing. subscribing, donating. And it’s never really felt like a problem to me. I can make it by financially someway or another. But one day, I really just sat down and looked at how much financially I invested in Twitch as a whole in one month. And…it was devastating to me. I don’t know why. But, I just sat back, and looked at the number, and I immediately thought of the future I’m trying to save for. The family I hope to one day provide for. And, week to week, I make it out alive with literally sometimes just pennies before getting paid again.
I don’t want to play any kind of blame game with the people I watch on Twitch. I haven’t been baited to donate or sub or anything. I simply just love these people so so much and want to invest in them. Sometimes more than I want to invest in myself. But I’m coming to find out that it’s becoming detrimental to my well-being.
So this week, I unsubscribed from over a dozen channels. I only have two or three channels that I still subscribe to, and I’ve already fought back from the urge to aimlessly gift subs and donate to people. It hurts my heart, but I have to start realizing that I need to take care of myself more. And it just hurts right now. It hurts my heart, it hurts my mind, and I just feel like I’m giving the impression that I don’t love these people anymore… And I don’t want to give that message. I still love all of them so so much.
I hope this wasn’t just some helpless ramble.