I have no courage to write this , i don’t want to burden anyone with my problems because i promised someone to work on not worrying on the negatives like i’ve felt like i’ve done . I’m tired of just coming here and unleashing the beast . but i know i’m safe here but i am just tiring people out with my issues i feel like.
If i wasn’t loved i wouldn’t have this community, a roof over my body, stuff i need to survive. But why does it feel so surreal as in real when your supposed to act a certain way, dress a certain way or even be a certain way to please the crowd. I feel like if i wasn’t the way “they” want me to be i would feel me.
The moment of feeling unloved was a issue to me when i looked at a song i related to the song i felt like i was. the lyrics of this made me go back to how i was feeling .
Blockquote
I search for a high, a way to get by
They’ll judge no matter what so I don’t really mind
I’m never enough so I act like I’m tough
But on the inside, I just wanna cry.
The song i mentioned was a song called unloved by an artist apart of a band I’ve listened to since 2010. Going back to what i was saying is that it just feels so real because of the way the want me to be, feeling like i’m not a renegade (being true to me). Some people it may not be a big deal while reading this but to me it is , it is my identity on how i look. I may not be rich , i may not do other things but my clothing is who i am. And i just can’t believe if they are not going to accept me for what i wear (that’s reasonable) then why am i even alive . I’ve had a rough couple days because of it and i’m tired i don’t want to be here in a place where i feel like i’m gonna tired people with my issues. Just feeling that should be me , a person who can feel herself while not having to look like what they see me as . I know they love me but i just want to express my self with my hair , and clothing. but i just feels like with what happened i feel like i wasn’t.
What i call crap is that it happened to me before and it’s tiring . it’s just so stupid and dumb that i have to go through this.
Now, Fast forward to new years but now it was my sister, she wore a revealing v neck dress and she didn’t get anything said to her but when i show up i get a compliment, but it wasnt a compliment that I’m not mad about. i just feel like i was treated poorly with how i present myself / how my image is. Maybe me posting this is just , maybe i shouldn’t express how i feel, maybe i should just hide behind a mask and pretend like every single thing in my life is okay. But maybe i should just act up to people’s standards to be like them to be hey there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m sorry i’m burdening with how i feel unlovable, i’m sorry i am hurting inside, maybe i’m just not enough or good enough in people’s eyes. I’m sorry for wasting time when there’s others more important than something so small that has been triggered. just why am i even alive.
