I can't forgive myself for the pain I've inflicted on myself

I still can’t forgive myself for what I’ve put myself and my family through. Last year I was in a relationship with a girl for around six months. While I wouldn’t call it abusive, it was certainly unhealthy. She was my polar opposite on every spectrum. She did drugs, drank, and wasn’t at all religious, in fact I would say she had a hatred for Christianity and God. There were so many instances it should have become clear to me that this wasn’t right. For instance, she once got really mad at me because she felt I apologized too much for stuff, this escalated to the point where she told me to “f*ck off” and wouldn’t talk to me for the next several hours. She would frequently just go dark for hours without warning, she would intentionally put herself in dangerous situations, if we ever had a disagreement she would shut down and make me feel bad for trying to work through it. That’s not what the entire relationship was like, but that stuff was fairly common, even if it wasn’t constant. I would never bring up how any of this made me feel because I felt wrong to criticize her in any way, because I just thought that’s how relationships worked. I convinced myself for months that I needed her, to the point that my parents had to force me away, and taking away my phone because they couldn’t get me to stop talking to her. When this all changed was when she found a way to contact me, to tell me that she was probably going to go back to her ex. So after I had spent so much time fighting for this, and almost ruining my relationship with my family, she was just giving up almost immediately. There were so many times I could have gotten out, but every time I just doubled down and kept myself in. It really messed with me, and completely screwed up my perception of what that kind of relationship should be. I feel trapped by what I did. I can’t stop thinking about how badly I messed up and how badly I hurt everyone involved in that situation. It makes me fear that I won’t ever have a healthy romantic relationship with anybody ever. I just can’t bring myself to forgive myself for all of that, I don’t know if I ever will.


First of all, I am so glad that you are out of that relationship now. You need to realize that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Maybe that girl isn’t a bad person, and maybe you aren’t either. It just sounds like an unhealthy situation. That girl probably needs professional help (although I am not an expert.) The point is, you didn’t do anything wrong. I know it can be hard to move on from stuff like this but the point is, its over now. You are worthy of so much love and you weren’t able to receive that in this particular relationship. Not every relationship is like this though. Things will work out for the best eventually. As cliche as it sounds; just take it one day at a time. Try practicing simple self care methods every single day. You got this.

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Relationships will never be easy, but they are worth it. This girl is not the one for you, and that’s okay. I know it hurt what she said because you care about her, but in a relationship you need to be honest. You need to make your opinions known, or else it’s just one sided and that’s never healthy.

No one is perfect, and no one in life gets through in it without someone at their side. But also you will never have a tough time with a relationship. Experience will help. You made mistakes, and we all have. All we can do is set ourselves free from yesterday and look to the next sunset closer to our goals and who we want to be.
Hold Fast friend :slight_smile:

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