I’m new here. I’m 55 yrs old. I’m addicted to cigarettes and can’t seem to quit. I also have a porn addiction. I’ve been struggling with my life so long I can’t imagine being happy. I have no real friends or family and just feel like Im doing time til I die. I had 2 feeble suicide attempts when I was in my 20’s. What I learned from that was if I’m going to attempt suicide I better go through with it because nobody really want’s to help. I have a son who is 15 who likes me but he doesn’t really know any of this about me. He’s the only reason I push on. I don’t do it for me. Ido it so he won’t have to deal with his dad killing himself. Some days I wish god would strike me down so it will end. I feel like I’m to old to make any close friends and all I can see\m to do is distract myself. I’ve tried counseling and It doesn’t seem worth it because i’m just going for me. I wish I had something to beleive in. This probably won’t work either.
Hi friend, I hear you. You are lonely and sad about your position in life. Tbh the only thing that comes to my mind is to tell you to join a support group in the church, see, before this covid lockdown I started to go to a support group thx to a friend who showed me the way. In there I met dozens of adults who struggle/struggled with many aspects of their life, the point of the group is to listen without judgment and provide the participants with tools to improve their lifes. This persons I met there changed completely my point of view of life, they showed me no matter where you or what you are going through you are not alone and you can handle it.
I am thankful to hear also that you stay strong for your kid.
I hope I was of some help, if not, don’t give on this forum someone else will come when the time is right.
“I have a 15 year old son who likes me”. Let’s start there. That says A LOT about both you and your son. Really let that be your go to every day for knowing you must push on. I have two boys 18 and 21 They are technically adults so sometimes I don’t feel they need me anymore. Nothing could be more wrong than that. I know I must push on and stay around because if I don’t I will ruin their lives.
Thanks for the replies and support, Some days I do really well and then other days I’m just anxious as all hell, I don’t know what my triggers are, it just seems to happen. Even if I did i’m not sure I could counter these episodes. They just seem to come out of nowhere and I really have no defense against them