I cant handle how i feel (Part One)

So im at the point in the book where i need to find someone i trust talk about my depression …but that not as easy as it used to be. I used to be able to trust alot of my friends and family and now i just dont feel like i can. feel like i have no one i can just talk to or just vent to.Soi figured maybe i could try it here.

So i have been to hell and back since my parents have gotten a divorce. I am now 30 but when i went through it all i was 12. So where do i begin ? Well i went to bed with another night night of my parents screaming and yelling and woke up to my dad packing his bag and month later my mom dateing his bestfriend of 8 years and me and my sister having to keep it a secret from our father. We go about a year until he does find out and all hell broke loose. My father and mother from that day on never saw eye to eye and at times she kept us away from seeing him and the guy she was dating try to make us believe my father was a badguy.

2 years later everthing calmed down and we were back to normal seeing my father every week end…my brthday was coming up and my mom boyfriend brought me on a bus trip to go see a readsox game in new york…(i had a great time). When we got back to the car i could kind of tell he was not good enough to drive but i had no other way home. So i get in the car and we head home.(the scarest car ride homei ive ever had). We almost hit 2 cars swerveing all over the road so i told my mom the next day and she confronted him and they got into a huge fight witch for the next 3months thats all they did. My mom would never leave him because she was always scared what would happen if she ever left him. I come home one day from a friends house around 6pm and go stright to my room to play some ps2 online with some friends , 5min later i here him in my sister room yelling at her so i take my headset off and open her door to find her in a corner in a ball crying and him over her about to hit her so i thouht quick and grab an ironing board and i hit him.( at the time i weight a 100 pounds soaken wet and he was 220 5’10 all muscle). i yelled to my sister to run and hide as i did the same thing as he started to chas me. i called 911 but by the time they came he was gone( if you didnt know by now he had a drinking problem and the easiest thing set him off).After that my mom finally left him and kicked him out.So about 3 months later my mom was out to dinner with this new guy i did not know about at the time and i was at a high school hockey game. My mom wanted me home after it so i came home. As i was sitting in my room i hear this loud bang and then i here it again and then a huge smash as run to the living room my slider was smashed with a huge rock through it and someone was running through the woods back to their car . To find out it was him and he was arrested and had a no contact order put on him .This is where it all began …where i cant sleep at night …felt like i betrayed my father and ever since then everyone that come across me has been really hard to trust then when i do trust people they completely shit on it and act like it means nothing . I just cant handle how i feel!

I hope things get better for you.

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It sounds like you had an extremely difficult childhood, and I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s understandable that you would have issues trusting people. You can trust the people in this community, we love you and we want you to heal. It’s amazing that you are reaching out that shows courage and it’s awesome that you are using dwarf planet, because that shows you are dedicated to your recovery. I know it’s hard right now, but you have all of the tools to heal, and I believe you will.

Hold fast friend

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