I really hate myself I’m worthless useless all I do in my life is eat and sleep nothing else I’m lazy and fat I’m a failure at school my life is going downhill I’m still in high school but nothing is working out with me I have no goal no dream nothing all I want is to make my mother happy and proud since I’m the only kid she had but I’m doing the complete opposite she always supports me but I can feel that deep down she’s disappointed from me and can’t do anything at this point I don’t care about anything I’m just waiting for my death I want to end it all I always try to be optimistic and try to give myself false hope but nothing is working I’m just keep getting worse and worse
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Hey @nano,
Thank you for opening up and being here.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like you’re useless… It’s really painful. And you don’t deserve to see yourself in such a harmful way. I can assure you that you are not worthless at all. You are struggling, because of many different reasons. It makes a huge difference to see the gap between how you feel and who you really are. You’re dealing with self-hatred thoughts but you absolutely don’t deserve this. There’s nothing wrong with you. It can be really hard to find your own way in this life, but you’ll get there my friend. 
You shared a bit about what’s going on. But I really want to emphasize the fact that whatever you are going through, you are not useless. You never was. Accomplishments are important to be fulfilled but you are not defined by them. You are so much more.
You’re exhausted. I hear it and I totally understand. And I respect your feelings. But dying is not a solution. Because even if it feels like you’re stuck right now, there’s nothing that can’t be improved over time in what you mentioned. There is hope.
School is not a race. There’s no need to rush through the years with the highest grades. If you fail at something, whether it’s an exam or something else, it doesn’t mean that you are worthless or not good enough. You know, I lost two years of studies before, because I was too depressed to handle this. During these years off, my days were pretty empty and it was more about functionning than living. When I decided that I needed to take a break, I felt like a failure and I was ashamed of my decision. I thought that I wouldn’t be able to get back to school after that. But despite this, I’m still here. So it’s quite normal to be worried about your future, but it shouldn’t be at your own expense. You have skills, qualities, but I understand that it can be hard to see it sometimes. Yet if you don’t see something it doesn’t mean it’s not there. 
Also, you say you dont do much everyday and you have no dream. First of all, I’m not sure that’s true. You’re certainly doing things everyday and even if it’s only about going on, then it IS something. You also certainly have dreams and desires like everyone, even old ones. But it can be difficult to identify them, especially if you think you’re not worth it.
That’s awesome if your mom is supportive. I’m pretty sure it’s not because you are her only kid… but because you are you. Don’t let those lies telling you that you don’t deserve the love others want to give you. If she never express an ounce of disappointment towards you, then there’s no reason to believe this. Also, I don’t know if she knows about your struggles. And as you said she is supportive, do you think it could be helpful for you if you try to talk with her? Because when you say you want to end it all, it is something that has to be listened seriously. And you don’t have to deal with this alone. You’ll always be welcomed here, but I also want you to be surrounded by all the love and support you deserve in your life.
I’m sorry if this message feels like I’m contradicting what you said or if it’s annoying to read this. Know that there’s absolutely no judgment in it and I respect your feelings entirely. I just wanted to reply to all of these negative thoughts that are preventing you to see yourself just as you are. Because you’ve got worth and value.
Hold fast.
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Thank you so much your message made my day thank you
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