I can't pin down how I feel TW

I’m now 30 years old and was raised in a household where I was made to feel like shit for telling people that they’ve upset me or having feelings that weren’t the same as theirs. I’ve only recently realised with help from my wife and some close friends about how much shit I was put through as a child/teenager.
I was always made to think that cause they were my family that was be all and end all and all has to be forgotten as they are my family. there has been years of physical, mental and some sexual abuse and I honestly have know idea how to address any of it and what to address first there feels like this mountain of stuff to unpack/deal with and I just have no idea where to start and its really affecting my everyday mood and any time I’m on my own during the days I cant help but cry and I’m so over emotional about everything and I’m struggling like fuck


Hi Ali,
thank you so some much for reaching out and a warm welcome to Heart Support.
i am sorry to hear what you have been trough in your life so far, nobody deserves that and i can only
imagine how you feel with this all.
you have done this first step, talking about your past and your struggles right now.
with this struggles and also abuse what you experienced, maybe you can consider a therapy first
or also a self help group in your area where you life. speak out to someone.
we have also a Crisis Resource sheet that may help you. Heartsupport List of Crisis Lines & MH Services - Google Sheets

you have done a big step here with posting and realising that you need help.
they are your family but you owe them nothing. you deserve so much better, you are worth a better
life with happiness and joy. be proud of yourself, your wife and your friends are, we are proud of you
for posting and being here.
thank you friend and i hope it helps a bit, feel hugged

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Reading your post makes my heart ache for 30 year old you and for the child that’s still hurting within you.

I’m glad.you have the support of your wife and some close friends. I wonder, because you are just realizing how awful you were treated as a child, and if that’s why you’re having such dark days now. It’s one thing to deal with life like everything should be forgiven and forgotten, it’s another to realize you were not taken care of like you should have been. Physical, emotional and sexual abuse is traumatic and leaves scars.

If you have the resources and can find a counselor you like and trust I think that would be helpful for you. It might be helpful for your wife to know that you are being helped by someone who is gifted in counseling. Online counseling might be an option. Have you tried journaling? Journaling can be very helpful. It can help relieve the emotional pressure that builds up inside. It also gives you a starting place if you do get into therapy. Just some suggestions my friend.

Thank you for taking some of your time to post. The HS Wall is always open to you. It’s a caring community and a safe.place.to share.

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Hey @Ali,

My heart goes out to you. This sudden realization brings a huge amount of pain, confusion, questions and fears. It’s okay if you can’t put words on how you feel for now. You are, somehow, in a state of shock, as you gain more awareness regarding the traumas you’ve been through as a child. I have myself started to put words on the abusive childhood I’ve had only as an adult, and will never forget the day I started to remember some of the memories. It felt like I was going crazy, like my entire life was a lie, an illusion. There is no word to describe how it feels to realize that the people who were supposed to protect, love and nurture you failed at their job, and to see how this has been affecting your life over the years.

It’s okay to feel any type of emotion right now. This brings a huge amount of sudden grief and confusion, it feels conflicting, and you are not expected to feel a certain way. However you feel is absolutely valid, real, understandable. Now will be an important time in your life to make sure to be supported just as you need. As you have mentioned that your wife and some friends helped you, may I ask if they are still supporting you at the moment? Do they know how you feel and what you’re going through? The option of therapy that has been mentioned can also be very important, even if intimidating at first. Therapy is a neutral place where you can express any emotion, share any life event, without being judged or harmed for it. It is possible to process all of this in ways that are safe and don’t imply for you to be alone. If it is tempting sometimes to isolate as we feel helpless, and also because we’ve been used to survive for most of our life, the time you are going through is an important one to let safe people and safe relationship be a pillar of strength to you. Rest assured that right here in this community you will always have a safe space too. We will always listen and do our best to support you. You are not alone. :hrtlegolove:

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