When I Was 17, I began using heroin. it took me ten years to kill my spirit enough so that I was vulnerable enough to give up. At 27 I quit opiates for good, but I wasn’t done punishing myself. I carried immense shame and guilt into my sober life and compensated by marrying an unhealthy person who made me feel good about myself. It is now ten years later, and I can’t stop huffing nitrous oxide.
I went to a rehab at 27, and when I had about 2 years clean, I started taking psychedelics. This was around the time I met my ex. Before I knew it, I was down a rabbit hole. Trying every drug I could I get my hands on. I considered myself a psychonaut. I didn’t realize it would cost me everything. I am in a state right now where I have little executive functioning and I continue to live by my parents good graces.
I’m did nitrous to the point where I am immobile. I’ve had to go to the hospital multiple times due to my abuse. I fear the next time will be the last time. I have lost many friends to this disease, and I am getting fucking scared.
Sometimes I keep using and punishing myself because I’m CONVINCED no ones cares about a stupid junkie cripple anyway. Can someone please convince me otherwise!
Wow. OK, first let me say I apologize for it taking 2 weeks before someone responded to you, hope things have improved during that time. Also, welcome to the heartsupport community. It seems you have been fighting a life long battle. Starting at 17 with heroin is pretty hardcore, it seems you jumped right into the deep end.
It seems you have had a long road of addiction as you moved from one addiction to the other. I understand that road because I have had a similar path throughout my life although I did not start with heroin, mine was weed. A bit more of a “classic” gateway drug. I went from weed to coke to alcohol. Then I ended up nearly dying with a ruptured brain aneurysm which put me in the hospital for nearly 8 weeks, 2 of those in ICU. After that experience, I had to do physical therapy for about 2 months which helped me to walk again and get my brain back together. But, on a good note, it did cure my addictions, at least for a while.
I can relate to the feeling that no one cares. I have had that feeling multiple times in my life but thankfully, in your case, you have your parents good graces. They do care if they are taking care of you through this time. I have also lost many good relationships, I have moved multiple times and lost many relationships during the moves. Many times because I ruined relationships in a city and moved to another to start over. Not a great thing having to start all over again and again. But, that is what I did anyway. Don’t forget you are cared for and loved. Although it may not always seem that way, know that you are.
You are still here and you care enough about yourself to seek help. I think a lot of people underestimate caring about oneself and I feel like that is a huge difference in overcoming any battle and a major step that you have already taken!
Acknowledging a problem is a huge first step and seeking help, even if it’s just advice, is another huge step. So you have already taken TWO huge steps!
Like the other person mentioned, you have parents who care as well!
Perhaps finding a community of similar people would be a great step at finding support and people that care - have you looked into any support groups for addiction?
I honestly can’t say that I can relate because I have never done any drugs. But it is very prevalent in my family. My mother and father are both addicts. It’s been hard growing up with that, but I can tell you that I still care about both of them. I am currently living with and trying to help my Mom out.
I think a lot of people start down this path by trying to fill an emptiness and I think the best way to get out of that is try and find other things to fill yourself with - good things that stick within you. When I was younger, I filled myself with distractions to avoid drugs - music and books, mostly. But as I got older, I realized it was the deeper, more meaningful things that kept me from drugs - it was helping others, caring for and loving others. This circles back to finding a support group, somewhere where you can find care and grow to care about others. I think would be so beneficial. If that is too hard or too much right now, just know there is support out there and we care! And we would be happy to help find local support if you need it and want it.
You can do this, just keep caring about yourself and moving forward one step at a time!