So, a lot of things have happened since the last time I wrote something here.
I have actually found someone who loves me. I have a boyfriend, and I am really happy about it. He doesn’t care that I am trans and he already told everyone in his family and they are all super accepting. I have already met them and they are all super nice. It’s really really good.
One night he even told me that he wouldn’t mind adopting children one day (since I am a trans woman which means I can’t bear children, and in Germany surrogacy is not allowed) which really made me happy.
A few days ago, I had to change my antidepressants, because the side effects of the one I was taking were very severe, so we are hoping the new one will be much better, fingers crossed. The change though made me really anxious and gave me a very low mood. I started doubting and overthinking things about our relationship. I felt as if I’m not good enough for him and if he really loves me.
I kinda annoyed him with all my doubts though he kept his calm for the most part. Always told me that he loves me and stuff. I then asked him if he would still be happy with adopting one day and he said that he’s unsure but that he’s trending towards having his “own children” and that adoption wouldn’t be good enough. And I kinda started getting serious doubts afterwards, since I obviously wouldn’t be able to give that to him. I got really really sad and just, in general, felt really bad.
After that, I asked him what he thinks of our relationship if it is something serious for him or not. And he told me that it is serious for him and that he wants to stay in a relationship with me as long as possible and all I was able to see is “as long as possible”, that one day when’s he’s finally ready for having children, that he’s going to leave me and search for someone else. Just writing this makes me cry.
I wanna enjoy the time I have with him but how should I do that if it feels as if there is already an end in sight to it all. I just can’t wrap my head around it and what I should do.
Today we had another conversation about this. And he said that maybe the law is going to be better in 10 years and stuff and that we may be able to have own children and that he doesn’t wanna think too much about it right now.
But then he also said things like, what if it is going to be as I say it’s going to be. That in a few years he’s going to leave me for that. What could I possibly do other than accept it. I don’t want to accept it. Why would it have to end like that. It’s so heartbreaking just thinking about it. I wish I couldn’t feel anything anymore.
I told him, that I don’t want to hear anything like that right now. But then he also said things like, should we go on a vacation together, that maybe we will realize that we are not made for each other and that it’s going to end anyways or maybe in a few years I could find someone else who earns more than he does and I wouldn’t have to worry about money anymore and things like that and it made me really sad.
I don’t want to think about the end of this relationship cause I really love him. I want us to stay together forever and I know how childish this sounds.
I just don’t know what to do.