I can't stop overthinking and doubting the relationship with my boyfriend

[kira]

So, a lot of things have happened since the last time I wrote something here.

I have actually found someone who loves me. I have a boyfriend, and I am really happy about it. He doesn’t care that I am trans and he already told everyone in his family and they are all super accepting. I have already met them and they are all super nice. It’s really really good.

One night he even told me that he wouldn’t mind adopting children one day (since I am a trans woman which means I can’t bear children, and in Germany surrogacy is not allowed) which really made me happy.

A few days ago, I had to change my antidepressants, because the side effects of the one I was taking were very severe, so we are hoping the new one will be much better, fingers crossed. The change though made me really anxious and gave me a very low mood. I started doubting and overthinking things about our relationship. I felt as if I’m not good enough for him and if he really loves me.

I kinda annoyed him with all my doubts though he kept his calm for the most part. Always told me that he loves me and stuff. I then asked him if he would still be happy with adopting one day and he said that he’s unsure but that he’s trending towards having his “own children” and that adoption wouldn’t be good enough. And I kinda started getting serious doubts afterwards, since I obviously wouldn’t be able to give that to him. I got really really sad and just, in general, felt really bad.

After that, I asked him what he thinks of our relationship if it is something serious for him or not. And he told me that it is serious for him and that he wants to stay in a relationship with me as long as possible and all I was able to see is “as long as possible”, that one day when’s he’s finally ready for having children, that he’s going to leave me and search for someone else. Just writing this makes me cry.

I wanna enjoy the time I have with him but how should I do that if it feels as if there is already an end in sight to it all. I just can’t wrap my head around it and what I should do.

Today we had another conversation about this. And he said that maybe the law is going to be better in 10 years and stuff and that we may be able to have own children and that he doesn’t wanna think too much about it right now.

But then he also said things like, what if it is going to be as I say it’s going to be. That in a few years he’s going to leave me for that. What could I possibly do other than accept it. I don’t want to accept it. Why would it have to end like that. It’s so heartbreaking just thinking about it. I wish I couldn’t feel anything anymore.

I told him, that I don’t want to hear anything like that right now. But then he also said things like, should we go on a vacation together, that maybe we will realize that we are not made for each other and that it’s going to end anyways or maybe in a few years I could find someone else who earns more than he does and I wouldn’t have to worry about money anymore and things like that and it made me really sad.

I don’t want to think about the end of this relationship cause I really love him. I want us to stay together forever and I know how childish this sounds.

I just don’t know what to do.

[SheetMetalHead]

Hi @kira. I definitely understand the growing pains of switching meds. I just went through that a month ago, and am having to learn to cope without some of my crutches. What I can offer for you right now is this: I won’t say don’t overthink, because it’s like asking a river to stop flowing, but try to remember that the thoughts you’re having are distorted or false due to a disruption in your brain chemistry. Be patient, have grace, and try to remember that it will take up to 6 weeks to be “normal” again, if the new meds even work for you. In that time, keep in touch with your therapist, psychiatrist, and support networks like us to help you stay grounded

As for your boyfriend, it sounds like you found someone special if both he and his family accept you for who you are. However, I think he’s the childish one if he says things like “Let’s go on vacation and maybe see that we won’t work out long term.” Seriously? Vacations are supposed to bring couples together, and going into it looking for reasons you might not work together is self-sabotage.

I can understand him being unsure about adopting vs. having biological children. It may be hard for him to predict what the future holds if he’s not ready for kids right now. He may be afraid of making the wrong decision. I really wanted to be a dad through my mid-20s; now I have serious doubts. However, waiting for the laws to change in his favor is hoping for a fantasy that may never come true. It’s great if the laws change, but he needs to think in terms of either accepting adopted children or finding another woman he can have biological children with.

I can also understand him not wanting to leave you because things are good right now. My first girlfriend and I stayed together for 5 years by living in the moment and avoiding topics we didn’t agree on. I still struggle to try to understand the relationship–was it prolonged and toxic, or was it fun for a stretch of time where we needed each other and didn’t have to think about the future? Did I stunt my growth by staying in a dead-end relationship, or did I get to learn how to be a good partner in a low-stakes situation? It hurt when we broke up, but it was the pain of losing something that had been a constant in my life. I always knew deep down we wouldn’t wind up married. Maybe right now you two can enjoy your moments together, out of the context of planning a future; or maybe you’ll want to cut your losses early to save yourself future heartbreak. For what it’s worth, I think living in the moment with a significant other is worthwhile, and that you gain more from being in love than by avoiding heartbreak.

I hope you and he can have honest conversations about all this. Does he see a future with you and adopted children, or is being a biological father really that important to him? Do you need to be that concerned with the future right now, or can you take time to live in the moment and address the future when it arrives? Are you willing to give yourselves to each other until there’s nothing left–which would hopefully be forever, but might just be a few years–or would you both prefer to cut and run before you get overly invested? These are very difficult conversations to have, with no clear answers. Good luck, and keep us posted!