i recently lost two of my family members i live in an ancient shithole called Iran i’m 20 years old and still my father is paying my living
i’m smoker and recently i’m drinking a lot
i feel very bad about myself i can’t stop thinking about suicide every time i think about it i want to scream and cry because i don’t want to make my family go through sadness of losing me
but then there comes a lot of thoughts through my head :
-isn’t it temporary for them after the grieve they can live easier without me
-you don’t have to bear the sadness of losing your loved ones anymore (never? never ever)
-but i don’t want to die --which is worse living and going through all those pains or going through a minute of pain and resting in peace?
i tried to kill myself a month ago by taking a lot of sleeping pill it didn’t worked as i planned and i never told anyone about it
i can’t take it anymore i don’t want to die anymore but the thoughts never stop and my heart is always aching
sorry for my bad english
First of all never apologize for doing your best I’m a English teacher and i can tell that you tried your best. I was also able to read and understand you so honestly your good. I’m sorry to hear about your family members you lost I myself have dealt with that in loosing all my grandparents to age or age related health conditions.
For me suicide is all to familiar I have been fighting the thoughts since a young age and attempted three times before hitting my teenage yeas. I know you are facing dark times but trust me you will come out of this season a stronger person. please continue to fight your life is special and worth living. one way I fight depression and suicidal thoughts is by doing hobbies like playing guitar or travailing.
I suggest when you are in this dark season fin friends or family you can be real with and share with them your struggles if you think they will be open to listening. I understand in your culture emotional things can be more difficult so maybe online resources like here and the you rock foundation can help pick you up and help fuel your fight for life. Hang in there and always remember your worth more than all the gold in the world because your a living breathing person who has a purpose.