I can't take this

I feel just so upset and angry. I want to scream.

A lot of people see me on heartsupport, and honestly it helps. It helps to see others who are hurt and messed up and to reach out and do my best to help. I love all of you strong angels, and I just can’t bear to lose any of you, I refuse.
Even though it lifts me up every day to go on heartsupport, things right now are just awful. My dad is still in a fucking affair, has been for almost half a year now. It’s been driving me, my sisters, and my mom insane. And my mom doesn’t want to leave him. That part just makes me so upset. He is in a fucking affair with my oldest sister’s ex-best friend! But my mom is a very kind person. She feels that leaving him will be a mistake. I don’t understand that, she literally tells us the night before that he blames her for everything, he yells at us for ridiculous things. I’ve listened to their arguments well past midnight many times, and the way he talks to her is just rude and disrespectful. He’s always acting so arrogant and like he’s the ‘dominant alpha’ and I just want to sink my teeth into flesh. I hate it. I hate being controlled, being told what to do. And this causes arguments between me and my dad, and I can’t even say anything back because my mom doesn’t want to make things worse. She still wants to be with him, after all this shit! She thinks he’s worth saving, that she can get him back, that he cares about us still, BUT IF HE DID HE WOULDN’T STILL BE IN THIS FUCKING AFFAIR!
I feel insane. I’m losing my mind. And things are so hard for Sammy, my oldest sister. My mom wants to confront the ex best friend (let’s call her Vera) face to face so Sammy still has to text her ex best friend like Sammy doesn’t know it’s her who’s with my dad these days. And it’s just destroying my sister, lying and faking goes against her morals, her very self. It’s killing her, and I can’t handle it. If we confront Vera and make her back off, she’ll go running straight to my dad, and then we confront him and give him the ultimatium.
Mom wants to wait, to give him another chance. She thinks he has a mental illness, but it’s not that, he’s just in love. He says oh it’ll be a few more months, WELL YOU SAID THE SAME THING IN DECEMBER! Their relationship seems so one sided to me and like where’s her dignity? Is he worth her living in pain and losing her mind?
Sammy and me are just about on the brink of killing someone.
On top of that, I have a friend at school who’s depressed and I feel like I’m not helping her at all.
And my birthday is in four days, on the 16th. It’s gonna completely suck, because I wanted an electric guitar, but apparently we have to start saving money so we can go on family trips. Like I don’t see those bullshit lies.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. There are so many things in life I want to do that I can’t because of the way my family is, like start a band (in the garage probably) and dye my hair but I cant. I hate feeling suppressed like this.

Just because your Father is having an affair doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or your sister. What makes him not love you guys properly is the fact that he disrespects your mother before you. This you should be very angry at him for (and you are).

The affair itself doesn’t concern you. That’s his choice. Am I saying don’t be mad. No, you have a right to feel however you feel. I am saying the fact your Father cheated on your Mother doesn’t mean that He doesn’t love you.

(My mom & Father separated when I was about 2-3 years old. My mother never onced came to see me. I never understood why. I thought she hated me. I thought she abandonned me and didn’t care. I hated her for a good many years. I never thought I would ever forgive her. IN 2015 I changed my ways, perspective and life. I was a bitter, unforgiving, hateful person. Full of anger, impulsive & desperate. I had enough of it. I hurt, still do.

I decided I had enough. I knew as soon as biterness set in that I would become toxic. I seen what toxic people do…to themselves, people that they cared about…to others. I didn’t want this. Two years later my Mother & End I reunited. She claims that for all those years she wanted to look for me, but didn’t know how. When she left my Father she claimed he kicked her out after they fought. (MY Father admitted their relationship wasn’t good though who abused who I don’t know) SHe left met the man she’s still with now. They saved up their money and Eventually hired a private investigator that went looking for my other siblings. He found me. I saw my Mother in real life for the first time since I was 3 in 2017. We’ve been talking since then.

There is a lot that I don’t know that is true about what she told me and some things my Father told me. The one thing I can’t deny the truth of is that Both my Mother & Father loves me. My Father took care of me when MyMother left. When I met my Mother and looked in her eyes as she said “My baby.” I saw the love. The woman I thought hated me had love in her eyes for her son, A man in his 30s.)

I know that their relationship has affected you because I went through a similar instance where it had affected me. I believed my own Mother hated me for reasons that were rational. I found out that I was wrong when we met. When She explained what happened and what she went through.

Your Mother is hurting, you and your sisters are hurting, and believe it or not your Father is hurting. I know it is hard to believe. Your Father loves you & your syblings. I am sure if you all sat down and talk about your hurt and your feelings that your Father would tell you that he loves you. That he will always be your Father.

It doesn’t change the fact that he hurt you and your family. Just know what he did. This affair isn’t happening because he doesn’t love you or your siblings.