They’ve called me “the little crazy”.
And when you’re called crazy,
you realize that the fears in your head ring true.
You don’t feel normal. You don’t feel sane.
I wish I could be consistent for you.
I wish I could could be calm like you.
I wish I didn’t have these waves of up and down
where I feel I’m about to drown.
And then soar high! Because that’s what mania brings. Right?
Everyone loves the manic clown that goofs around
and gets things done.
But the truth is…
how do I know it’s real?
How do I know the happiness is real and not just an episode?
How do I know if the intimacy I crave is real,
and not just a symptom of the hypersexuality?
Will I regret it tomorrow?
I wish you can see I’m sick.
I wish you would believe me when I say I am.
I see you try to understand but at the end of the day…
the best you know how to do is back off.
When I’m told I’m difficult time and time again,
I start to believe it.
So in the end I stay away.
in fear that you will leave.
Because you couldn’t “handle me”.
I wish I was like you. I really do.
Then maybe I could keep a job
and get to where I want to faster.
I have the meds, the therapy, the support group,
but it still doesn’t fully cure me.
Where are those in the world like me?
Because I want to believe I can be loved
and be successful.
I want to believe that even the most difficult
can have a secure life.
Right here.
I really connected with and felt that. Thank you for showing us your heart.
“The little crazy?” You are in the best and most delightful company. Genius’s are often thought of that way. Those who are different are thought of as crazy by those who fear to be themselves.
What is it that you fear?
Not feeling sane is evidence that you are definitely sane. Few of us feel normal.
I wish you felt unconditionally loved. I suspect you are consistent in your goal to be unconditionally loving. I wish I could be there to help you manage the ups and downs.
That you see that others are trying, indicates an open, and caring heart. I believe that’s another part of you that’s consistent.
You can be loved, and are very much deserving of it.
Some cures must be in the form of ongoing symptom management, at least until science comes up with a better approach.
Don’t pressure yourself, or compare yourself with others. Your challenges are unique, and comparisons don’t apply.
Your writing is wonderful. So expressive! It speaks for many of us. The world needs your talent and sensitivity.
Thank you. I just feel difficult. Having a mood disorder just feels hopeless sometimes. I feel like I constantly have to explain myself because of how intensely I change. I don’t know who I’m going to be when I wake up in the morning. I know those who love me sometimes walk on eggshell and I just hate that. I hate being like this. I know you mention self-love but lately that feels hard to find.
I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for you, and feeling hopeless at the same time. I hope you find a way to manage the symptoms. It sounds like you are loved so much that there are those who walk on eggshells at times around you, because they feel that having you in their lives is very much worth it.
Regarding self-love, take inventory of your positive intentions, compassion, empathy, courage, personal insight and love for others. Self-love brings out the best thing you. It’s not the same as ego, as it is reality-based. It enhances your ability to understand and connect with others.
When you wake up in the morning, you are always the same wonderful person who, for now, is struggling to manage some very difficult symptoms. As hard as self-love may be to find at times, maintain the choice to do so. You deserve it 100% of the time.
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