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I’d be lying if I said I was ok

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been having a hard time talking to people about the head space I’ve been in. It’s a mix of grief, missing Katie and just back in my depression… Yet When I’ve been really struggling, instead of talking, I keep it to myself. I’m not sure why I can’t bring myself to talk, it just feels impossible.
The thoughts of self harm are back and they are a constant… I honestly don’t know how I haven’t given in yet. I’m getting to a point where I’m becoming addicted to energy drinks just to get me through the day, but I don’t want to fall into that trap because that would be a relapse… Talking of relapse, I’ve got a handful of pills stashed away, they’ve been here for about 2 weeks now. The therapy I was having was truly helping, but now my therapist has left and I can’t afford her private rates, I have nothing.
I’m not sure what to do… Even if I put myself on the list for in person therapy, the wait is about 8-12 months minimum. The thoughts of harming and relapsing on pills gets more and more attractive. I miss my friend so much, and sometimes I get jealous that she’s finally at peace… With all these things on top, it’s hard to get by.

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Dearest Kayla
I am so sorry you are struggling and not doing okay. Please know that if you ever just need a safe space to talk you can dm me. If I dont reply right away I am either away from my desk or asleep. But I am always here for you.

Kayla I care so much about you and I had started to wonder why you had been so much more quiet as I normally see you often and for me it hurts me to see you hurting. I also feel you on the Katie stuff. I was doing something the other day and it dawned on me that this is the first year she wont wish me happy birthday. I wish she was here as I wanted so badly to meet her.

That is a very hard thing about relapse and such. Perhaps have someone that you truly trust be there as you get rid of them. It is so important to understand that relapse and the idea of addiction are very hard to overcome. It is never a single thing that fixes it. You have to continue to go up and down with it. You have to struggle with this and I am so sorry. It never goes away. I have felt horrible myself at times because all I want is that item I used to fix the issue.

I am so sorry your therapist left and now you are stuck with making a choice. I know that is never a good task. When I graduated from college it took me just over 3 years to finally find a therapist I can work well with because I just couldnt do it. I struggle with it myself because like I need that support and love to help me through each and every day.
You are not better off not being here because we need you. I smile every time I see your name in chat or in discord. I am so glad you are around.

Hold fast my friend
Ash

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Kayla <3

Nothing bad can come from getting your name on the list for in-person therapy, right? Put your name back in the hat and that alone might help you a bit. Sometimes just the thought of knowing a good conversation with a therapist is in the pipeline can help your mental health. It can be like a vague comfort kind of thing.

I’m sorry about your friend, but she would want to see you happy and thriving, right? What are some smaller steps you could take to get back there? Getting back on the therapy list, getting rid of the pills, slowly come down from the energy drinks (I say that as someone with a high coffee addiction), adding in a hobby that makes you smile, reaching out here more when you need it instead of keeping it in. Pick one thing, just one, and use that step. Think about the second step later down the road.

You got this <3 you always do!

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From: kathleen99

I’m so sorry Kayla. when times are so overwhelming the only way I can get through is by finding little joys. when everything is too loud, I need time to have my life be small. enjoying some warm tea, listening to a song. watching the sunset. doing my hair to experience the sensation of being alive. those big things take time. letting them consume you feels justified some times. life isn’t just all big things. its the balance everyday. we love you

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I posted this in the stream and I want you to take it to heart.

I would ask and say this, knowing Kayla, she cares a lot about people. She speaks of grace and hope for others. Well, It’s time to say it to yourself, Kayla. You have hope and grace. Why do you feel you don’t deserve it? Kayla has the same worth and value as every person she speaks her life to. It hurts when I see her like this because I know how much she can change people’s lives and yet she doesn’t allow herself. Kayla, You deserve the grace and hope also.

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Thanks for opening up and sharing with the community, Kayla! That is a great first step to open up to others and seek help from others. It’s hard to share and rely on others because I feel similar in a sense. I try to burden my own problems, I have a hard time opening up and sharing with others. I keep it all to myself and suppress it which isn’t healthy. As hard and scary as it is to get help from other people, know that it is there. People care about you and don’t want anything bad to happen to you, as much as you are hurting, it hurts others to see you suffering. I know you can’t go to therapy right now and that is wonderful that it was helping! Take what you learned from that and apply it to now, that’s what therapy is, giving you the tools so you can succeed on your own. There are also plenty of tools at your finger tips while you are waiting for a new in person therapy and I know you know this since you are a HS moderator. It is time for you to reach out and use the tools available to you to get through this. Whether you reach out to a hotline, find a in person support group to share with other people IRL who are also going through a similar time or seeking help and support from this community that you give so much help and support to. You can also reach out to your doctor, they can help point you in the right direction of getting diagnosed or if you need medication for your depression. If that is your path. Things might be really hard right now, but it won’t stay that way. Things will get better for you, so please don’t give in to these thoughts of self harm or pills. You have to fight and do what you can even though it seems really grim right now, but know there are people here in your corner who love and care about you and want you to rise up and overcome this hurdle that you are facing right now.

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Kayla, I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Life can be so hard sometimes. I can relate with not always wanting to reach out when you are struggling, but I hope you know that you are NEVER a burden to those who care about you. It can be so difficult to open up when you are in pain, especially when those around you seem happy, but your friends and family and this community are here for you. We want to lift you up so you can succeed in living the life you deserve.

Urges to self harm can feel so overwhelming, and I am proud of you for recognizing that you need to tell someone about it. You just told all of us, which probably took a lot of strength and courage on your part. That is a major step towards feeling better! But you and I both know that self harm is not a solution to the things you are feeling, and you deserve so much more than that. These thoughts can feel so all-encompassing, but you are stronger than they are, even if you feel so weak against the things that are happening to you.

Like others have said, I think it is absolutely worth it to put your name on the list for in-person therapy. Things may change and the wait may not be as long as it looks currently, and even if the estimates hold true, putting your name on that list is throwing your hat in the ring and saying “I am going to do what I can to fight this.” It is taking just one more step forwards for yourself, and telling yourself that you are deserving of love, care, and help.

We are all here for you, Kayla.

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From: kaijivarakrafts

Hopped into the stream at the end of the response, but you are loved and we are all here for you

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Kayla, you are going through a very rough patch but i urge you to take the love and advice of all of those around. At a time I had addictions of my own to pills. It was not a good road. I would have a stash at all times that i used to have hidden away for just such an occasion. I hit rock bottom, i took those pills and woke up 3 days later at the bottom of the attic steps unable to use my left arm for months and a stroke. We love you. We are here for you. Thanks for opening up.

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I love you friend, I care about you. I’m here for you.
You’re an amazing person, an amazing friend, and you are super supportive. I understand the struggle right now, I really do. You have my phone number if you ever need to talk; you can call me and we can just talk, or you can talk, and I’ll be there to listen. Sometimes that’s all we need, just someone to listen.
You deserve grace, and hope. Just like the grace you gave me, and always give me. You deserve it too <3
Please don’t give in to the thoughts of harming or pills.
Put your name on the list for therapy. Please. You deserve the help.
Love you friend <3

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@Kayla The guys responded to your topic on the stream today.

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Hey Kayla. Love you. Here’s my response to your post.

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First and foremost, I am so sorry you’re struggling.

Grief can definitely change us as humans. I lost my mother in 2018. And I had this idea that grief, once gone through the stages, meant it was over. I was wrong. Grief is something we work through. I said today on stream that grief is just love we can’t give, and it’s so true. I don’t know your friend, but I imagine they wouldn’t want you sad. They wouldn’t want you beating yourself up over love you can’t give.

I was emotionally addicted to pills and they ruin your life. I had to plan my day around whether I had pills. And I would panic at the thought of being without. Once I stopped myself and got off of them- I was finally able to live.

Therapy is important. If you have a doctor, please reach out. They can help get you into therapy quicker and have ways of making appointments for you. I know it’s hard to see sunlight at the bottom of a pit, but there is light.

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@Kayla,

I’m so grateful for you for you and for sharing all of this, especially if it’s been hard for you to take that first step.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been having a hard time talking to people about the head space I’ve been in.

It’s hard to reach out, to trust others with ourselves, even if you’ve known people for a long time. Hiding is a way to protect yourself and no one will ever blame you for that. But despite this difficulty to reach out, you are here today. You’re sharing your heart as it is, and that’s very, very strong of you. That’s such a powerful way to say no to those thoughts that are trying to convince you that silence would be better. Because it’s not.

You’ve just made that connection today. Thank you so much. Now you’re allowing us to remind you that you’re not alone, that we care about you so much, and you’ll get through this, friend.

Talking of relapse, I’ve got a handful of pills stashed away, they’ve been here for about 2 weeks now.

Deep inside, you know you don’t need those pills. It certainly feels safer to have them close to you, especially when the pain feels unbearable, but I know you’ve been in this situation in the past, and I know you got rid of them in a safe way. I believe in you and your capacity to make the right decision again, by throwing them away. Right now it’s probably scary to ask for someone to be there during those times, and just to make this decision, but you have friends right here willing to be by your side and hold your hand, so you won’t feel like jumping into the unknown. You have a safety net right here. A chosen family. So many people love you and want the best for you. Whenever you want to get rid of those pills, and if you need someone to be there, I’m just a DM away, always.

I honestly don’t know how I haven’t given in yet.

Because that’s how beautiful and strong you are. You also have your own experience, and it’s such a huge strength that you have there. I see it, even you may not feel it right now. Yet there will be a time when you’ll look back at today and see all the progress you’ve made, and how much you’re still progressing each day.

The therapy I was having was truly helping, but now my therapist has left and I can’t afford her private rates, I have nothing.
I’m not sure what to do… Even if I put myself on the list for in person therapy, the wait is about 8-12 months minimum.

I’m sorry you can’t see your therapist anymore. That really sucks. That’s indeed the kind of transition that can impact the stability we try to create in our life. I’m currently in a similar situation, trying to find a new therapist, and that’s pretty stressful. But that’s what it is: a transition. There is the possibility for something different. Maybe not what you wanted or expected at first, and probably some adjustments to make until you see a new therapist, but you will get there Kayla.

Right now, it sounds that putting yourself on the list as soon as possible could only be beneficial. If you have a different opportunity in the meantime, then that would be awesome. But at least you won’t lose anything by being on that list. Maybe there will be also some different kind of support to look after, at least during those months? Mentoring, support groups, or even some kind of day care center that would provide some services during the lockdown. I’m not sure how it works in UK, but it could be worth it to check on that too.

It’s really defeating when a door closes suddenly. Though it doesn’t erase the possibility to try to open different ones, at your own pace. And again, we’ll just keep being by your side during this time.

I miss my friend so much, and sometimes I get jealous that she’s finally at peace…

This pain goes beyond words and I’m so sorry you lost your friend in such a brutal way. Sometimes I get jealous of the people I’m grieving too, because it feels like they don’t have to feel any pain anymore and they don’t have to see this messy world. But life is more than pain, and we both know that. There’s so much beauty out there, beautiful memories to create, and so many beautiful people to love and hug. Peace is also found in the love we share with others, and the one we receive. Let’s keep on living for this, dear Kayla.

When you feel lost, when you want to scream out this devastating pain that is grief, when you want to smash the walls around you out of anger and sadness, ask yourself what Katie would say to you, and what she would want for you. I didn’t have the privilege to know her personally, but I see how precious your relationship was and the special place she has in your heart, which makes me believe that she would only want the best for you, in any circumstance.

Sometimes it’s really hard to apply to ourselves what we can easily suggest to others. But you have worth and value like anyone else here. Your heart is precious. You are precious. And you are so, so loved. You’ll get through this. I believe in you.

:heart:

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