Today we’re supposed to have my birthday party. “Party.” It’s too late to cancel and I don’t feel like going to my own event, but that’s a waste of money. List of all the people who are coming:
neighbors (2)
cousins (3)
None are my age or even close to it. I have no friends anymore, they all pushed me to the back. One broke ties with me a few days before my birthday. “Happy birthday! Surprise, I don’t like you anymore!”
The other two have cancelled two times in a row that it’s beginning to become suspicious. I checked the school schedule regarding their event, and there is nothing today. I’ll check in a few days or a week to see if it updated.
What’s even the point anymore? It pisses me off. If you don’t like me anymore, then why don’t you say it? Stop making excuses and admit the truth. I’m just mad in general. They never gave me anything throughout the time of our friendship. What’s the point in being fake? That’s too tiresome and pathetic as hell. I just want to bite through my cheeks. My hands will probably be bruised later. I’m overreacting, eh?
Thanks for the birthday present, won’t forget it. They probably don’t even know when my birthday is. Hah.
i really haven’t despised my birthday, sorry. but i really got heartbroken after i read your story and i wanted to wish you a great birthday. my friends have also cut ties with me since they all wanted to be “popular” and because they thought i was weird. and no, i don’t think your overreacting at all. i have all of these nail marks on my palms since when i see my old friends walking in the hallways with their new friends, i really really want to cry.
My birthday is coming up, and I really am not excited. Most likely, the only people that I’ll be doing anything with are my mom and boyfriend (even they really dgaf.)
It’s been a while since I’ve genuinely had friends, especially ones that cared enough to show! So, I see where you’re coming from, especially with how other people are acting. That stuff can really get to you, and it has gotten to me a few times as well, even when I’ve tried to ignore it. The best thing you can do is remember that it’s your birthday. It’s the day you were born, so even if nobody else sees it, it’s about you. A celebration of how far you’ve pushed, and how long you’ve dealt with other people’s BS.
So, TL;DR, you matter. I wish you a happy birthday, really, and screw the a-holes who don’t show.
I don’t know how to study everything and I’m just hoping I have a high enough grade to bomb all my finals.
For A&P lab, I have an exam but he didn’t give a study guide. He’s a lazy professor, honestly. He sent an email saying that “he forgot to make a final exam,” so there’s something else he wants us to do. That’s due next week along with some labs I never finished…
For A&P lecture, I have my module one this week and then the final next week. Less than 7 days to study and I’m panicking. At least if I can get an A on the exam this week, I’ll hopefully be able to have enough cushion.
As for math. Hah. That’s a dumpster fire constantly being fueled with gasoline. My grade is so low (in my standards) that I’ll probably finish with a C. I just want a C at this point, but my poor GPA. I don’t know how many tears I’ve spent over math because I’ve had so much anxiety and freakouts that it’s pathetic at this point. Math is next week.
All I want is to do well, but I can’t live up according to my standards. I’m failing myself and that’s the breaking point for me. Because I start hitting myself and telling myself how stupid I am- talking to myself like how my abuser talked to me. I just want to succeed but I feel like I can’t. I don’t want A’s, I need them, but it only furthers my obsession. I’m not good at much.
School is a way I can get praise, acceptance, and acknowledge. It tastes good. I want to surpass everyone but I can’t surpass myself. I feel as though I’m falling behind even though I’m almost done. I also feel like if I don’t do well, I won’t be loved. So much of my twisted understand of love is that it’s a tradeoff.
I work hard = you love, praise, accept, and acknowledge me.
I’m burning myself out before I even began. I drew this, feels accurate because I’m mindless right now-
