Thank you SO much for sharing this part of your story here, friend. I hear through your words how lonely it’s been to carry this truth with you, which makes me feel so thankful for you and for the fact that you chose to talk about it here. This is a type of pain that no one should ever have to carry just on their own shoulders. You are absolutely allowed to talk about it and to express how you feel, to tell your story and let the tears out as much as you need.
You have been so very strong and brave yourself for the way you’ve survived through this, and I hope with all my heart that moving forward you’ll have the possibility to welcome supportive people into your life, into your world, to help you find your way through this pain. I was sexually assaulted as well when I was a child, and even though reaching out and being supported later on in life has been tremendously scary, it has also become such a huge crutch over time. There are wounds that we shouldn’t have to deal with just on our own.
In terms of therapy, it can feel super challenging at times to find the right therapist… and my encouragement for you would be to not let yourself discouraged by it if you ever find yourself trying and/or being impatient with yourself in this process. Even the fact that words are hard to find is okay and something that can worked on, little by little. It’s objectively painful to talk about traumatic experiences, and not finding the words or even being silent are powerful protective mechanisms. It feels like your body is working against you, while really it’s trying to protect you in the present, even if the threat it feels is not as it was when you were abused. Part of healing is indeed about facing these silences and inner barriers that prevent us from being supported. Progressively though, we can learn to feel safe again in our body, without the constant triggers and feeling that we need to hide away. I’ve myself struggled with selective mutism growing up and have known some relapses during therapy sessions… despite this though, finding the right therapist for me and for these difficulties has been life changing.
As you’ve mentioned music, this is SUCH a powerful outlet to communicate how you feel and what you’ve been through, including to a therapist. Some people would write, draw… as long as an outlet feels right for you and is safe, it’s okay to use it as a tool that serves you and serves your healing. It speaks to your heart.
In any case, you absolutely deserve to be heard and to feel supported as you navigate through all of this.
If anything, I’m so very proud of you for advocating for yourself, for sharing your story - however you can. For trying and not giving up on yourself. You deserve peace and healing, my friend. 