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I don’t deserve good things, i’m awful

i’m an awful person. i’ve grown bitter and i judge other people (never rude to them though, i don’t voice that stuff) and judge myself in even harsher ways. i’m easily irritated and can’t handle much of anything. i’m undeserving of anything good, even small things.

i plan to move out of my abusive household, but what’s the point if all i’m going to be doing is working? covid made everything close and it’s all unsafe, i don’t want to get sick. and i’m going to be far away from the only people i have in my life. what’s the point? i don’t have options but now i’m just thinking that there’s nothing for me there except for jobs. i’m not staying there for long, i don’t want to be there for more than 2 years because i’m gonna move in with my boyfriend, so why should i even leave to go somewhere when all i’ll be doing is working? i don’t do good in job environments.

i feel like there’s no point in living and i just want to hurt myself.

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Hey @limeytea,

I hear you. And I hope you didn’t hurt yourself after posting this. You don’t deserve any pain.

i plan to move out of my abusive household, but what’s the point if all i’m going to be doing is working?

That’s a first step, friend. It’s understandable that a change like this raises many questions about your life, your future… pretty much everything. But take it easy. Try to focus on doing one step after another. The first one is to leave and work. You’ll see how it goes from this. Work holds an important place in the life of everyone, but it’s not everything. Right now it’s just hard for you to imagine/see it. And that makes sense: all of this is new to you! You’ll learn to create this balance for yourself, with time, and given the circumstances you’ll be in.

covid made everything close and it’s all unsafe, i don’t want to get sick.

It makes sense to be scared in these circumstances. We’re going through such a weird time with covid. It feels very unsafe sometimes. But we have safety recommendations. As long as you respect those, there’s no reason to get sick. You’ll do what it needs to stay safe, without preventing you to just live and do what you want in your life.

and i’m going to be far away from the only people i have in my life. what’s the point?

What about meeting new people during this journey? :slight_smile: Yes, right now, in the present moment, you know X and Y people. But you also don’t know how the future is going to be. I know it’s super stressful and it raises many questions to go through this kind of life transition. I hear your fears, your temptation to think “maybe it’s not worth it after all”. But you’ll be okay. You’re making a good decision for YOU. Your life, your well-being. You’ll learn and you’ll grow through this experience. Through both frustrating and fulfilling moments. It probably won’t be perfect! Nothing is. But right now, in your life, this change seems to be needed. It is right. And that is something you can hold on to.

You will be okay. Don’t turn those fears against yourself. This is your life. And you have the right to live, to experiment, to try and even to fail. You don’t have to have all the answers at once.

You are strong. Probably more than you can see. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi there @limeytea,

Thank you so so much for sharing your heart with us; this is an incredibly painful and difficult situation, and I’m sorry that you have to go through this and that you feel alone; that’s heartbreaking.

If I may say, I certainly hear a lot of myself in what you are saying, and I think I can empathize with some of your intrusive thoughts about life. Please, please know that we need you here, alive and well, and living life! You are already so, so strong and brave, going through what you are, and I promise that things will look up. This stupid pandemic is going to end, and until then, what are some ways you can connect with those you love even through distance? It’s a bit of a creative challenge, but I’m sure you can find ways to overcome that. I’m really glad you have work during this time especially, as I believe it can help you move out and away from an abusive situation, and to be in a stable financial position during Covid.

Please don’t hurt yourself my friend. We love you, we are here to listen, and we are here to support you- though the bad and the good. :purple_heart:

Sending love and hope,
Alex

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Hi limeytea,

I think that a part of being in an environment that is hurting you has caused you to become more bitter and irritable. Changing environments won’t necessarily fix this problem, but whether or not you do decide to move and work a job there are some things you can practice to help yourself feel less bad.
First of all, I believe you can voicing your anger without it being harmful to others. If someone is taking advantage of you, boxing you in in a conversation or doing something you don’t agree with don’t e afraid to speak up. But you must be able to separate your emotions when you do this to avoid feeling guilty later or being outright mean.
Second, is there anyway you could get a job that you don’t hate? Or what about collecting unemployment and working part time? Do you do anything artistic that you could work towards? If you had a job, what would you like it to be? Maybe start there.
Lifting ourselves out of terrible destructive environments is a process. It doesn’t happen right away. It’s hard to not be bitter or irritable towards people I have the exact same issue, but maybe There’s a way you can talk about your issues with people with the help of a moderator or therapist if you can afford it. Don’t be afraid to voice your concerns, just make sure that it’s not coming from a place of anger and from a genuine place of wanting to form a better relationship. Don’t let others dictate the relationship you have with them. Hope this was somewhat helpful.

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thank you for responding again and for all the other times you’ve helped me and gave advice. it really does mean a lot. i guess i just have a hard time seeing positives, seeing negatives has been a coping mechanism for me, but i need to work on not being like that 100% of the time.

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thank you for responding💙

i don’t actually have a job yet, i’m just expected to work full time once i get there. but yeah, i’m going to do my usual ways of communicating just through online stuff like i do with most people. it just sucks to be moving across the country from the people i love. but i guess i just sorta have to get through that since i have no other options at the moment. i’m taking what i can get, but i’m naturally negative and i need to work on that.

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thank you for responding! it means a lot💙

and no i don’t ever try to be rude to people, i rarely ever am and choose my words carefully, i don’t have trouble with that. it’s just my inside voice that bothers me, but anyway, i don’t think i could collect any unemployment because i only ever worked a job for a couple months. i don’t think i could just choose a job i’m interested in either because i don’t have very many choices, just expectations to work full time. i do already sell art and that takes so much time and barely any customers so i wouldn’t be able to support myself that way unfortunately :<

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Makes totally sense. And fears are not negative in themselves. It’s a protective mechanism. The things you’re wondering are absolutely understandable. I’d ask so many questions too if I was in this situation. Change is scary, it’s like jumping in the unknown. But you can be proud of the decisions you’re making for your life. It’s huge. :hrtlegolove:

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Moving across the country is no easy task, and it sounds like you’re taking it in stride as best you can; you are so much stronger and more courageous than you think you are! I know that’s easy for me to say, being behind the screen on the internet, but I truly believe you are very brave. Even just the thought of moving away from my people makes my heart ache, so I cannot imagine what you must be feeling my friend.

Also, the thought of working full time is daunting absolutely, and sometimes we all need people to remind us about the positives, rather than the negatives (I am also quite the pessimist myself). :purple_heart:

Please keep us posted on your journey. We’re here to love on you and support you!

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Hey! Honestly I’d look into the unemployment thing anyway, you never know if you could qualify even if you’ve only worked a couple months. Might as well give it a shot to earn a little bit in the meantime. Sometimes you just have to talk about how much your situation sucks and honestly it does. I hope your circumstances can change eventually and that your taking care of yourself in the meantime. If you ever want to talk, not just about mental health but interests and what not I’m here.

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