I don’t deserve you

You guys will have noticed I’ve been a little less active on the wall recently and I’m so sorry for that… Im very much struggling right now and I don’t see a way out. I’m sick and tired of waking up every night from a nightmare. Just one night I would like to be able to sleep and wake up not feeling terrified. Every single day is spent fighting suicidal thoughts that tell me I don’t belong here, that I’d be better off dead. The biggest one being that suicide is the only way I’m ever going to be free of my addictions, depression and the constant abuse that comes from my family. I’ve had people in the past tell me that because my parents don’t hit me or physically hurt me that it’s not abuse… However, one of my earliest memories is of my dad with his hands around my mothers neck. Maybe I’m just being overly sensitive but they remind me daily of how much better my sisters are, that I’m going to be the reason my dad dies of a heart attack some day soon and they won’t ever let me forget the fact that I nearly killed both me and my mother when I was born… I had an assessment with the mental health team this week and I’m waiting to start therapy. My cravings and urges to use/self harm are getting so much worse the further into my recovery I get and I’m starting to believe the voices in my head telling me that I won’t ever be free from this prison. I’m still attending online meetings for my addiction recovery and in contact daily with others from there, as well as reaching out to my amazing friends from this beautiful community. Even with these resources in place I feel like such a burden - that I don’t deserve the time or energy that everyone spends on me and sometimes I even convince myself that they only care because they have to… I mean, if my parents don’t even care for me, why should anyone else? My best friend begged me to kill myself with her not too long ago so that she wouldn’t have to do it alone. Saying no whilst fighting all this stuff was so freaking difficult but the idea of it is starting to become a little more attractive as time goes on. I don’t really know if any of this makes sense, I’m just running out of energy and ways to cope, I don’t even feel like I’m deserving of the spot on this wall right now. I’m really afraid and I need help.

Hi @Kayla.
Well I do care for you, because you cared for me when I was feeling down. This is how this community works.We might all have our struggles and battles, but the company we share are making us the way out of them together. We are here for you and you should not waste time thinking in what you deserve or don’t, because this is what you have done by yourself, this community and these friends here are the results of your own will to heal both yourself and those you are chatting with. Thank you so much for sharing this, you are brave, and this is just a little stumble in your path, we are here to lift you up. So take a deep breath, and focus on your mental health appointment. It is very good that you have chosen to get into therapy.

Hold fast.

Thank you so much for sharing this with us , dont be afraid because you have friends all around you ! if you need to talk ill be in the HS chat :slight_smile: Asian .