I don’t know who I am at all. I feel like I am putting on so many different masks in order to feel normal. I am one way with a certain person of friends, yet I act another when it is a different group. I guess I do this because I don’t want to feel alienated from others as I don’t know who I am or what I want in life.
When people ask how I’m doing I usually say I just don’t know what direction I’m going in life, but this is just a cover up since they won’t understand. I was adopted and don’t have a sense of myself or where I came from, and it definitely affects me. Being raised one way and knowing my family, but as I am older seeing that I’m not really one of them. They may have raised me, but it doesn’t explain what makes me myself, or help to understand anything in my life.
Anytime I think I’ve found a direction it’s like my mindset shifts only to that for a few weeks, and then goes to something else and then again. One week I think I’d like to go into the ministry and feel my faith increase greatly. The next it’s I don’t believe in this or have questions, so I need to find something else. Then it’s psychology, teaching history, having a successful career and a good house, or a simple and modest life. There just seems to be no end to this struggle.
I understand people’s minds change, but I don’t think that is what is going on. It’s almost like there are hundreds of possible life scenarios that fit with me, but my mind can’t make heads or tails of what is truly me.
On top of that I feel like I don’t have the freedom to truly explore myself and life desires, or to live the way I want to. I am 22 but still have my parents hanging over my head dictating what I can and cannot do. You want to get a tattoo, ask us first. You want to use your own money on this, we must approve first. I don’t know if this is just their overprotective nature or that they don’t understand what I’m going through in terms of my identity. I also live in a different state as I just graduated college. I think it gets to me as I want to do something I want but there is someone policing my actions who doesn’t understand this confusing journey I’m on.
Has anyone else dealt with something similar, or have any advice? How do I find my life’s purpose or unlocking who I really am and living as myself for one? Or anything in terms of dealing with adoption trauma which I think it also part of the problem.
Thank you all again for reading and being awesome as usual!
Man, I can relate to this in so many levels…I have those conversations with myself on just about a weekly basis too…and I’m 6 years into a purposeful career, 10 years into my relationship with my wife, and 3 years into being a dad…I’ve “got the stuff”, ya know? And I still feel those questions hit me more often than is helpful. In fact, I just had that conversation with my wife last night…she said something that was SUPER helpful…there’s this saying:
A wise man tells his student, “If you follow what I say, it will take 5 years to get there.”
The student replies, “What if I work twice as hard?”
The wise man replies, “It will take you 10 years to get there.”
The student asks, “Why is that?”
The wise man says, “Because you have one eye on the goal and only one eye on what you will be doing.”
I personally spend so much time caring about the goal that I miss the moment I’m in. It was super convicting…it’s less about figuring out where I’m going and more about being where I am. If I am where I am, then I will get to where I’m meant to go faster than if I tried to navigate it myself.
Especially if you have faith, there’s tons of promises God makes to us about letting him lead…
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.”
“In all your ways, lean not on your own understanding, and he will make your paths smooth and straight.”
“For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purposes.”
“God works together all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purposes.”
“He will be faithful to complete the good work he began in you.”
I mean it’s everywhere…we can trust God with where we’re headed…and the only place we can be with God is in the moment.
I am definitely preaching to myself here – I am actively learning these lessons in my own life…so at very least, take comfort in the fact that you are NOT alone.
And if you could, practice taking your eye off the goal and living where your feet are planted
I see a therapist for dissociative identity disorder. Children who suffer from childhood trauma of some sort create multiple identities to hsndle their environments and traumatic experiences. Im a strong believer in therapy with competent people. I have no identity and im 42. I just know im a human with basic needs that is unable to get them met on my own. Thats where prayer and miracles happen and Jesus gives me another chance to redeem myself. I have failed in everything but on the outside looking in you wouldn’t know that.