I don’t know what to do anymore

i’ve been putting this posting to here thing off for a while now. i don’t know if i should start from the beginning of everything or beginning of recently so i’ll try the latter so it’s less. i don’t know how long ago i broke up with my ex. it was maybe a year ago. he would keep “breaking up” with me then he’d pretend it never happened. he would always do things he knew would hurt me and when i got hurt he’d make me feel guilty. he started flirting with me more after i made it clear i didn’t love him the way i used to. i got tired of how much being with him hurt me. then six months after and six months-ish i met this really sweet guy. he’s patient with me, he asks how i’m doing and actually wants an answer, no actually means no to him not change my mind, he knows when joking is okay and doesn’t get mad when i’m not in a joking mood. i told him it felt too soon to want to be with him so he waited for when i was ready. he doesn’t want to rush me or make me uncomfortable and just wants me safe and comfortable. he’s amazing but i can never talk about how i’m feeling with him, if something hurts my feelings i never talk about it because im scared of him getting mad at me, i’m scared of letting him love me because i’m scared he’s joking or he’ll leave me. i have too much wrong with me and i’m not doing anything with my life i don’t even know how to start. my mom tells me at my age i should know everything about this by now but i don’t. i’d have it done by now. then my friend just stopped talking to me and started talking to everyone else. she messaged me again and i know she’s only messaging me because she’s bored and/or her real friends are either busy and sleeping. she was the only irl i had and barely bc she ignores me and always i always end up with no one after i forgive her and she does it again. my bf lives in california and i want help to get there bc i feel like it’d be selfish of me so i’d never ask. i don’t wanna be rude. and then i went to warped tour and i loved it but i had a few panic attacks. i went to the heartsupport tent and i talked. it was incoherent much like this but gosh it helped. it made the rest of the day okay. i thought i was okay but i was wrong. a while after warped tour i was doing my impulsive acts again. i was slipping into ed habits and i would get lonely so i was talking to people who wanted to use me and i didn’t care. i figured i would be dead anyways. then i had a mental breakdown and ended up in the hospital again. when i got out i thought i was gonna be okay. the first day i was happy and it crashed since then. i’ve been distancing myself, slowly going back into unhealthy coping mechanisms, letting myself be sleep deprived, i’ve forgetting to take my meds a few days, i’ve been forgetting to hydrate. i was gonna wait till i was somewhat okay to do this but i’m not okay i’m far from it. i hate myself and i don’t know what to do. i’m also really really tired so i don’t know if i make sense i’m sorry. i’ll try making other posts then i’m able bc there’s more but i don’t know how to put it all in this one

its ok to not be ok right know. You might not believe this right know but you are so loved. Thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable on here on the internet. I’m glad that you were able to brake up with your ex it sounds like he has a lot of hurt that he is going though him self to be treating you like that (it doesn’t excuse it, I’m sorry that you had to go through that).
I understand its hard to get into a relationship even with a kind person after being in an emotionaly abusive one for a long time. Know that you dont have to rush anything. Take it slow and go at a pace that you feel comftorbal with.
If he is a nice guy he should understand and be patient with you. Maybe even scene you are afraid to open up to him you might not be ready for a relationship and that’s ok (I don’t know your whole situations so I cant really say for sure) its always best to be able to have open communication with the person that you are in a relationship with and if you feel like you cant you might want to address that.
Im sorry with how your friend is treating you she dosent realy sound like she is treating you like a friend. Sometime you need to focase on you your own mental health and somthimes that is removing toxic people from your life.
I would really encourage you to talk to a professional because they really help keep you accountable and help you find good coping skills. Its always hard coming out of the hospital because you are no longer getting that 24/7 support it is ok to be struggling. You don’t have to be struggling through this alone. you are so strong and I am happy that you are alive because your life is so pressures. Thank you so much for opening up you have a community here that loves you.
if you need anything feel free to message me I would love to help support you in any way I can.
you are so Loved

-:heart: flyleaf

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Thank you for opening up and trusting us. I’m glad you felt safe enough to do so. I’m glad you felt like you could break up with your ex - it’s hard to take steps and put yourself first sometimes. Being in a new relationship after that is freaking hard, but if you trust him, Try and talk to him about how you’re feeling. He can try to help in a way you’re happy with. Keep taking it 1 day at a time. You’re worth it.

Hold fast

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